Tag: Career

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Inside My Head Karen

Wrestling and Restless?

Karen RestlessnessOver the last 18 months I could sense the tides turning – shifting. I knew I was about to take a new path. Yet, at the same time, I had no idea I was going to take a new path. What a paradox.

I was both wrestling and restless.

I was wrestling with who I was becoming and what was changing inside me; being stretched and uncomfortable. Significant growth opportunities were knocking at my door on a regular basis. In retrospect, I was learning how to think differently, how to strategize more effectively and communicate more clearly. I was learning how to go deeper, and choose more intently the principle of curiosity and wonder. I was awakened to see more brilliantly the everyday world surrounding me. I guess things felt heightened inside me. But that sounds so flighty. It wasn’t flighty. It was hard. It was causing me to wrestle with who I was becoming. It created a yearning and a longing in me for something. What was it? Why wouldn’t it leave me alone? What was unsettling me? There was no need to be unsettled.

This internal wrestling match created a restlessness.

I was becoming restless with my purpose in life, the location I was living, and my contribution within the business world.

I read a book in November: 30 Lessons For Living by Karl Pillemer, PHD. It provoked me. It stirred me and profoundly impacted me. It was the beginning of the tides turning. I called my friend, “I miss my coaching business. I wish I could focus only on people and leaders. That’s where my heart is. That is my purpose. That is what I long to do.” Her immediate response was, “Yes, yes, yes! Finally! Yes, Karen! Everything in me is shouting yes!”

The restlessness intensified. Unbeknownst to me, my heart knew what was going on but my mind had not caught up yet.

Until March 7, 2015.

I was having a phone conversation with another close friend. He said, “Follow your heart, Karen. It’s always done well for you.” I hung up the phone and knew immediately what that meant. Five days later I went for a long walk on the Vancouver seawall with John Fluevog (my boss, owner, designer, CEO, president, colleague, mentor, comrade… and through these last 7 years, is now also my friend.) and I shared with him what was happening within me. I told him I needed to embark on this journey. I needed to give my notice and move to San Diego. I wanted to pursue my coaching career again. I wanted to try and see if I can do it. I told him that I have a barometer I measure decisions on: When I’m 96 years old, if I don’t do this, will I regret it? Yes, I would look back with regret.

John gets it. He knows what it’s like to chase after a dream. It was actually John who was the first to say to me in 2008, “What do you want, Karen? You have to know what you want. You know what you don’t want. But you have to know what you want. What do you want…”

7 years later, here I am.

The wrestling match has silenced. The restlessness is over. I write this article, sipping my Earl Grey tea, enjoying the blue skies…of San Diego.

I took the leap. I walked off my map. I am here. I am beginning a new chapter.

Thank you, restlessness. Thank you, wrestling match. You are kind to me.

– Karen Thrall

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Inside My Head Karen

Are You Defensive?

Karen DefenseHave you ever been defensive? Oh boy, I have. It’s my least favorite Karen. The aftermath of my reactiveness depletes me and I get very disappointed with myself. My listening skills are non-existent and I forget to remain curious. When I listen well and I ask questions, it’s guaranteed I won’t be defensive in the least. I don’t like me when I react. I don’t like me when my emotions are stirred up because of a conversation that isn’t going the way I had hoped.

Why do we choose to react defensively rather than respond positively? (Especially when we sincerely want to respond positively!)

Being defensive is a form of anxiety. The New Oxford American Dictionary defines anxiety as a “feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about something with an uncertain outcome.”

Let’s look at a few proposed behaviors that are associated with defensiveness.

You know you’re defensive if:

  1. You forcefully argue and debate an opinion.
  2. You need to prove your perspective is right.
  3. You’re dismissing the other person’s views.
  4. You “shush” or raise your finger/hand to enforce the person to stop talking.
  5. You think you have greater knowledge on the matter.
  6. You feel the need to stick up for yourself.
  7. You use heightened energy levels to drive your point.
  8. You’re projecting strong negative emotions.
  9. You justify your stance with “yeah, but”.

If you can identify with any of these responses, you’re experiencing anxiety. Being defensive weakens our self-confidence.

What is the single most important ingredient that will keep you from being defensive? Confidence in who you are. When we engage in conversations with confidence, our guard comes down and we don’t need to prove ourselves. We appreciate stimulating conversations, because we know they will either make us stronger or change us.

Being defensive is another way of saying “I won’t let you hurt me.” How would we respond if we entered every conversation with the mindset of, “You cannot hurt me. You can only contribute to my growth and by disagreeing with me you are helping expand my intellect.”

– Karen Thrall

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Career Libby

Whitespace

I just returned from an all-expenses-paid, not work-related three days in Palm Springs, CA at a resort that involved lots of swimming, drinking and eating. (Go ahead, hate me…it was awesome! And, yes, my friend Ellen is the best, and no, you can’t have her.) Though to be fair, I suppose it wasn’t all play, I did have to attend two hours-worth of general session wisdom. One of which was Juliet Funt (daughter of Alan Funt, founder of TV’s Candid Camera) – she was awesome: smart, funny and poignant.

The theme of her talk was “whitespace” – figuring out ways to turn off the hub and the bub of daily, connected life and find time to reconnect with your own brain. She has data about how this increases productivity and makes us feel saner – it’s kind of a “duh” thing, but it’s also really difficult to do. I found her message really inspiring and am already thinking of ways to reinstall whitespace wherever I can: not checking work emails on the weekend or after ten pm on weekdays (I do have a wacky schedule), turning my phone off while spending QT with my son and husband, spending time just thinking about a work problem instead of jumping in to solving it. These are little ways to regain focus and make the time I am working more effective and efficient. I haven’t really implemented them yet, but am hopeful it may also give me a boost of renewed energy…who doesn’t need that? What do you do to reclaim whitespace in your world? Have you noticed any changes?

– Libby Bingham

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Inside My Head

Judgy McJudgerson

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we judge other people – their actions, their words, their intentions. Lots of us like to say we don’t judge (me included!), but it’s simply not possible – and that’s okay. Our judgment helps us make sense of the world, sift through information and enable us to make decisions. It’s a powerful tool that can keep us out of trouble. But like most powerful tools, it can also get us into the very trouble we were hoping to avoid. When we rely solely on our own judgment and don’t allow for any addition context or points of view, we wander into dangerous territory. But it’s hard to see that danger coming, since we believe our judgment is the right judgment.

Judgment is the lens through which we view the world. Shaped by our experiences, our values, and our desires, it’s continually evolving. But what doesn’t seem to change is that we’re confident that our lens – our judgment – is just right. It’s a finely calibrated machine, superior to all others. We’re confident that we have the right balance of when to let things slide and when to hold people accountable. We know when to fight for something and when to let it go. We see the need for transparency but know what to keep closely guarded. We understand when to keep things moving despite discontent and when it’s worth the delay for some additional conversation. We know which boundaries to push and when the status quo is acceptable. Simply put, our judgment is the best judgment.

But no one else on earth has the exact same lens we have, which can make understanding another’s point of view tricky. No one else has our same experiences, values and desires, so no one else will judge things in the exact same way we do. We may come to the same conclusion, but what gets us there will be different every time. Even if we both sit in the same meeting and hear the same information, we’re processing it through what we’ve heard before and what it means to us, and making assumptions about what it means to those around us. All those things lead us to hear the same words differently and make different judgments about them. And that’s just the way it is.

What we can do is try and remind ourselves that there might be room on the spectrum for others, and sometimes, it may be worth a shift in one direction or the other to try and see things through someone else’s lens. Allowing our own lens to shift as we learn more about other world views is a skill we can all develop more fully. Acknowledging that different lenses exist and our own judgment may not always be the best judgment opens the door to a richer, more diverse and fuller view of the world. Of course, it’s easier in some circumstances that others, but like anything, practice will help. Practicing our openness to the judgment of others will only help strengthen and fine-tune our own. Where are your opportunities to see through a different lens?

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Inside My Head Libby

Younger

I just discovered a new show on TV Land called Younger, about a 40 year old divorcee with a kid passing herself off as a 26 year old. Seems like a ridiculous premise, but Sutton Foster can make anything awesome. The show is entertaining, but it is also thought-provoking…if we could go back in time with the knowledge gained by our older selves and have a kind of do-over, how would that be? Terrific or terrible? I’m torn…I honestly don’t know what I would do in that situation, but I do know that I am lucky enough to have friends and relationships with people of all ages. I have learned so much from both those who are older and those who are younger – it is their experiences and perspectives that make them interesting, valuable and relevant friends, not their age. My little cousin recently reminded me that one now says “hashtag” not “pound” and my mother just shared with me a heart-breaking time she had one day when she was twelve years old – both of those things make me a more understanding person, a more efficient worker, and a better friend. It’s not that I want to be younger – I want to be relevant and happy. I just need to find ways to do that no matter how old I am.

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Career Libby

Dream Teams

I don’t know if it’s Spring Fever or just general malaise, but I haven’t been exactly inspired professionally over the past several weeks. I think I’m more affected than I thought by the gearing up of the search for our boss’ replacement – among issues including job security, I am also really troubled about how bringing in someone new to our department could really change our inter-departmental dynamic, and not for the better. We have a terrific group of people right now and if someone messes with it, our Dream Team is in danger of becoming a nightmare. On top of that, I have recently been tasked with overseeing the transition of a preparatory program held twice a year to an online format, and the scope of that endeavor has also been the backdrop for my partial professional paralysis.

I recently met with the people I have been working on this project with for more than three years – it is challenging content-wise, time-wise and emotionally, and they have put in a lot of time and creative energy to make it a success. Today I asked my three volunteers – my friends – to make a commitment to me for two more iterations of our current program so that I can concentrate on the migration. If I can keep my own Dream Team intact, the worry and burden of training people who may or may not do a good job will all go away. They all said yes. I owe them all manner of goods and services for a long and indeterminate period of time, but they said yes! When I got home, I actually cried a little bit – the sense of relief was overwhelming. My gratitude to these people is immeasurable…having them as my team is a dream come true. Dream Team…a phenomenon which is so rare and incredibly important. So I ask you, before I get back to work with renewed vigor, who’s on your Dream Team?

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Book Reports

Thanks for the Feedback

I’ve been a little behind on my reading, though not on my collecting of books to read (yes, I still read actual paper books – not sure if I’ll ever be able to give them up). The pile seems to be growing bigger and bigger, thanks to recommendations, interesting articles and finding new favorite authors. Based on a great recommendation, I’m currently reading Thanks for the Feedback, by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen. I’m about a third of the way through, so I’m sure there will be more gems to come, but the very premise of the book is one of the more fascinating ideas. Often with feedback, the focus is on the person giving the feedback, but Stone and Heen suggest that we’ve been approaching this wrong – the focus needs to be on the receiver of the feedback. In fact, the subtitle of their book suggests it from the start: “The science and art of receiving feedback well, even when it is off base, unfair, poorly delivered, and, frankly, you’re not in the mood.”

I love this for a couple reasons. Sure, we could all be better at giving feedback. We can improve on our word choice, have better timing and think more about where the other person may be coming from. And we should do those things. Focusing on the receiver of feedback doesn’t let us off the hook for giving feedback in positive and constructive ways. However, what resonates most with me about this approach is the fact that how I receive the feedback is something I have a say in. I can’t control much about how feedback is given to me – it comes when it comes and how it comes. But how I react to it, interpret it and absorb it is entirely up to me. And I do see how I can be better at that. What a powerful perspective. No longer am I totally at the mercy of the person offering me the feedback – I now have a say in how the conversation goes and what I choose to do with the feedback. And I’m getting tools to do it more effectively.

The book goes on to talk about what triggers us into shutting out feedback or not really hearing what’s being said, and I can’t wait to read the rest and learn more about the strategies and suggestions offered. In the meantime, I’ll be on the lookout for feedback and ready to welcome it, hopefully feeling more prepared to sift through it and embrace what resonates with me.

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Career

Anatomy of an Apology

It’s never easy to admit we’re wrong or that we’ve done something to adversely affect someone else, especially if that someone is important in our life (though you’d think that would make it easier!). This is such a hard task, that we’ve come to accept – and offer – the most insincere of apologies.

I’m sorry if I…

No. You’re not sorry if your apology contains the word “if.” You’ve now put the blame back on the person who is supposed to be receiving the apology. You may as well just give up and go with something much more straightforward like “If you’re so sensitive that I hurt your feelings, then it’s not my fault.” Ouch. That’s harsh. And clearly doesn’t convey anything close to remorse for what happened.

Apologizing is all about taking genuine responsibility for your actions. It needs to be “I’m sorry I…” I’m sorry I lied. I’m sorry I missed the deadline. I’m sorry I failed to meet our shared expectations. I’m sorry I wasn’t clear. We’re taught early on never to apologize at the scene of a car accident – doing so implicates you and assigns fault early on, or so we’re led to believe. But in our daily lives, both personally and professionally, an apology can go a long way. Acknowledging your own role in something not going right can quickly defuse a tense situation, and often leads to an apology being returned, which can help decrease your own blood pressure.

And after acknowledging what you’ve done, it’s about being clear that you didn’t mean to cause harm, what you’re going to do to fix it and that you will take action to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

I’m sorry I didn’t meet the deadline we agreed to. I didn’t mean to hold up the project and I’m going to work on it tonight so you’ve got it first thing tomorrow. I’ll put reminders on my calendar so this is the last time we need to have a conversation like this.

I’m not always great about practicing this, but when I’m able to, I find I get to a resolution much faster and everyone feels better, including me. And when I think about the best customer service I’ve received, it’s usually about correcting something that didn’t go as planned in the first place, and a genuine apology for their actions makes all the difference. Things go wrong. We all make mistakes. And way more often than not, it’s not intentionally malicious, so it’s all about how we handle what happens next. So what’s next for you when something doesn’t quite go as you’d hoped?

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Ashley Awesomeness in the World

Life Promises

I have my weekly habits like most people. Monday nights I skip working out, at least once a week I get coffee and oatmeal at Peets (maybe Starbucks), I call my mom or grandmother during my walk home from the metro, and on Sunday night, I watch my standard tv. One of those standard shows is Girls on HBO. It’s a guilty pleasure for sure. I love Lena Dunham’s stark take on life as a twenty-something, even if it is far flung. If you watch, you know the fourth season just ended, and if you’re an avid fan like me, you’re incredibly depressed about how long you have to wait for season 5.

Sometimes revelations come from the most unexpected sources. Likely you’ve had one in the shower or while brushing your teeth. Mine have come from niche corners of my life recently and I sort of enjoy that. The most recent came from – you guessed it – the season four finale of Girls. (Minor spoiler alert!) There’s a birth that brings together some recently estranged characters and when the little one finally arrives, Hannah (Dunham’s character) has some great wisdom about the wonders of life to pass on to the tiny human. In a sweet, baby-coo voice, she says this: “Life…I can’t guarantee perfection, but I can guarantee intrigue.”

How beautiful is that?

If you have any ounce of Type A in you, you’re likely to have a competitive side, a passion for organizing, and an expectation for perfection in everything you do. But even if you’re not a Type A personality, what I think Hannah realized, much like this twenty-something has, is that we often set our bar too high. We expect from ourselves and those around us entirely too much. We ignore the beauty in imperfections and are afraid to say no. After all, we’re busy crafting a perfect life with memories exactly as we want them! If you hang around a Gen Y-er at all, you know they’ve coined the acronym FOMO – fear of missing out. I think that desire for perfection comes so much from our technology-overloaded, over-sharing culture; we want to go on that gorgeous vacation our high school rival just took or get an invite to brunch with that great new group of friends we’ve been courting. But life’s not perfect, is it? We can’t quite customize it the way we hope. But think about how much more exciting that is! Just try and count how many lessons you’ve learned from failure, and how great those stories are when you share them now.

I hope this week, you take the time to recognize the not-so-perfect moments and allow your curiosity to take over – relish in the fascination and intrigue.

– Ashley Respecki

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Career Karen

Training: We Have to Pursue It

Karen PuppyIt doesn’t matter what type of training you are experiencing. Training is a one-step-at a-time process.

Training is an invitation for growth. Growth in what? Well, what do you want to see grow? Let me ask that again: What. Do. You. Want. To. See. Grow?

We have to choose training. We have to pursue it and want it. It takes discipline and commitment.

Why do we train? What’s the purpose? We pursue training so that we may excel and become better at something. It hones in on a skill. We are strengthened through training. It opens up the opportunity to reach a goal – or even better – a dream.

Training is “the action of teaching a particular skill or type of behavior through practice and instruction over a period of time”. You begin at point A and, through training, you reach point B; and so on. Training is intentional and each step matters.

The truly committed will not look to fast track. They recognize that the step they are taking – right here, right now – is the only one that matters. It’s the most important one.

Training forces you to live in the moment. If you lose sight of the training at hand, you will not reach your goal.

Training requires endurance. And endurance cannot function without patience.

Training isn’t easy. It can be discouraging. It provokes self-doubt in our capabilities. It depletes our energy and pushes us beyond our comfort levels. It confronts our fears; our insecurities; and any feelings of inadequacy we might have.

Training commands us to let go and to forfeit our need for control. Training summons us to surrender our need to understand. Because sometimes it’s not time to understand, it’s time to train for…what might be possible.

– Karen Thrall