Tag: Growth

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Inside My Head Karen

Are You Defensive?

Karen DefenseHave you ever been defensive? Oh boy, I have. It’s my least favorite Karen. The aftermath of my reactiveness depletes me and I get very disappointed with myself. My listening skills are non-existent and I forget to remain curious. When I listen well and I ask questions, it’s guaranteed I won’t be defensive in the least. I don’t like me when I react. I don’t like me when my emotions are stirred up because of a conversation that isn’t going the way I had hoped.

Why do we choose to react defensively rather than respond positively? (Especially when we sincerely want to respond positively!)

Being defensive is a form of anxiety. The New Oxford American Dictionary defines anxiety as a “feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about something with an uncertain outcome.”

Let’s look at a few proposed behaviors that are associated with defensiveness.

You know you’re defensive if:

  1. You forcefully argue and debate an opinion.
  2. You need to prove your perspective is right.
  3. You’re dismissing the other person’s views.
  4. You “shush” or raise your finger/hand to enforce the person to stop talking.
  5. You think you have greater knowledge on the matter.
  6. You feel the need to stick up for yourself.
  7. You use heightened energy levels to drive your point.
  8. You’re projecting strong negative emotions.
  9. You justify your stance with “yeah, but”.

If you can identify with any of these responses, you’re experiencing anxiety. Being defensive weakens our self-confidence.

What is the single most important ingredient that will keep you from being defensive? Confidence in who you are. When we engage in conversations with confidence, our guard comes down and we don’t need to prove ourselves. We appreciate stimulating conversations, because we know they will either make us stronger or change us.

Being defensive is another way of saying “I won’t let you hurt me.” How would we respond if we entered every conversation with the mindset of, “You cannot hurt me. You can only contribute to my growth and by disagreeing with me you are helping expand my intellect.”

– Karen Thrall

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Inside My Head

Judgy McJudgerson

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we judge other people – their actions, their words, their intentions. Lots of us like to say we don’t judge (me included!), but it’s simply not possible – and that’s okay. Our judgment helps us make sense of the world, sift through information and enable us to make decisions. It’s a powerful tool that can keep us out of trouble. But like most powerful tools, it can also get us into the very trouble we were hoping to avoid. When we rely solely on our own judgment and don’t allow for any addition context or points of view, we wander into dangerous territory. But it’s hard to see that danger coming, since we believe our judgment is the right judgment.

Judgment is the lens through which we view the world. Shaped by our experiences, our values, and our desires, it’s continually evolving. But what doesn’t seem to change is that we’re confident that our lens – our judgment – is just right. It’s a finely calibrated machine, superior to all others. We’re confident that we have the right balance of when to let things slide and when to hold people accountable. We know when to fight for something and when to let it go. We see the need for transparency but know what to keep closely guarded. We understand when to keep things moving despite discontent and when it’s worth the delay for some additional conversation. We know which boundaries to push and when the status quo is acceptable. Simply put, our judgment is the best judgment.

But no one else on earth has the exact same lens we have, which can make understanding another’s point of view tricky. No one else has our same experiences, values and desires, so no one else will judge things in the exact same way we do. We may come to the same conclusion, but what gets us there will be different every time. Even if we both sit in the same meeting and hear the same information, we’re processing it through what we’ve heard before and what it means to us, and making assumptions about what it means to those around us. All those things lead us to hear the same words differently and make different judgments about them. And that’s just the way it is.

What we can do is try and remind ourselves that there might be room on the spectrum for others, and sometimes, it may be worth a shift in one direction or the other to try and see things through someone else’s lens. Allowing our own lens to shift as we learn more about other world views is a skill we can all develop more fully. Acknowledging that different lenses exist and our own judgment may not always be the best judgment opens the door to a richer, more diverse and fuller view of the world. Of course, it’s easier in some circumstances that others, but like anything, practice will help. Practicing our openness to the judgment of others will only help strengthen and fine-tune our own. Where are your opportunities to see through a different lens?

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Inside My Head Libby

Younger

I just discovered a new show on TV Land called Younger, about a 40 year old divorcee with a kid passing herself off as a 26 year old. Seems like a ridiculous premise, but Sutton Foster can make anything awesome. The show is entertaining, but it is also thought-provoking…if we could go back in time with the knowledge gained by our older selves and have a kind of do-over, how would that be? Terrific or terrible? I’m torn…I honestly don’t know what I would do in that situation, but I do know that I am lucky enough to have friends and relationships with people of all ages. I have learned so much from both those who are older and those who are younger – it is their experiences and perspectives that make them interesting, valuable and relevant friends, not their age. My little cousin recently reminded me that one now says “hashtag” not “pound” and my mother just shared with me a heart-breaking time she had one day when she was twelve years old – both of those things make me a more understanding person, a more efficient worker, and a better friend. It’s not that I want to be younger – I want to be relevant and happy. I just need to find ways to do that no matter how old I am.

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Inside My Head Karen

What Do You Want?

KarenWantThe question I have for you is: What do you want?

I’ve observed that it’s easier for us to list what we don’t want. But can we truly list what we want? Can we speak it forth? Can we proclaim without apology?

Do you think it’s selfish to “want?”

A dear friend of mine once said to me, “Stop being a martyr. It doesn’t look good on you.”

What does that mean?

At that time in my life, I chose to act in a state of apology for who I was, suppressed what I longed for, dismissed what I dreamed of, tempered what I desired, forbade what I wanted, etc. I let my insecurity keep me hidden. After all, to want is selfish, right?

Wrong. Selfish means a lack of consideration for others and being only concerned with your own profit. To want is a desire and a wish.

It’s up to you if you want to step into your wants selfishly or with desire. Both will get results; although the outcomes will be different.

Do you know what happens when you know what you want?

You activate motion. Whether small or great, motion is motion. A caterpillar or a cheetah. Both are moving forward. Don’t underestimate the power of movement.

I want to get from A to Z.

How will you do that?

I will start at A until I reach B; then I will go to C. Thought-filled timeliness. Or I will start at A and will leap to Z. Passionate timeliness.

Both are valuable. Both are moving you forward.

Pause and take inventory of what you want in:

  1. Love
  2. Family
  3. Friendship
  4. Purpose
  5. Career
  6. Finances
  7. Rest
  8. Joy
  9. Hobbies
  10. Quality of Life

Currently, do your desired wants have active motion?

If not, what are you going to do about it? What small or large steps can you take to activate your wants?

Stay in motion.

– Karen Thrall

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Awesomeness in the World Gabriel

Even the Little Things Count

The sound of buzzing caressed my ears as the curly dark fell from my head. Rambunctious tunes blasted from the college radio station next door, carrying voices of personalities unknown to me and those around. General chatter filling the room, my barber and I were willing participants.

Our conversation started with…well, I actually couldn’t tell you how it started. I always get to the part where I close my eyes and then nothing. You know, when you don’t want hair in your face or eyes. I know our conversation had to do with institutionalized racism and some sort of half-formed plan to inform minority communities about property investment, but I don’t think there’s time to get into that (and I can’t really remember how we got there anyway!). What’s important is I can tell you the most meaningful thing I came away with from said conversation: any one person can truly make a difference.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Oh, of course, Gabriel. Everyone says that to be inspirational. You may be right, yet the mistake I think people make is thinking too big. Not to say the big picture isn’t the best one, but I believe most people psyche themselves out by justifying negligence or ignorance. Neither are proper excuses because you can make a difference, even if it’s just for the person right next to you. The conversation I had with my barber got me thinking about what can be done to affect change in any situation. It doesn’t have to be some diabolical master plan. It can be as simple as making a chart, writing a funny suggestion, or even taking someone out to lunch just to shoot the shit. These little things could open someone’s mind to new possibilities, perspectives, and methods of operation. And that opening could produce something so magnificent, you wouldn’t see it coming – almost like a miracle. So start your day knowing that what you do today could make the slightest – or the biggest – difference to someone else on this big ball of dirt we find ourselves on at the moment. Cheers.

– Gabriel Oigbokie

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Career Libby

Dream Teams

I don’t know if it’s Spring Fever or just general malaise, but I haven’t been exactly inspired professionally over the past several weeks. I think I’m more affected than I thought by the gearing up of the search for our boss’ replacement – among issues including job security, I am also really troubled about how bringing in someone new to our department could really change our inter-departmental dynamic, and not for the better. We have a terrific group of people right now and if someone messes with it, our Dream Team is in danger of becoming a nightmare. On top of that, I have recently been tasked with overseeing the transition of a preparatory program held twice a year to an online format, and the scope of that endeavor has also been the backdrop for my partial professional paralysis.

I recently met with the people I have been working on this project with for more than three years – it is challenging content-wise, time-wise and emotionally, and they have put in a lot of time and creative energy to make it a success. Today I asked my three volunteers – my friends – to make a commitment to me for two more iterations of our current program so that I can concentrate on the migration. If I can keep my own Dream Team intact, the worry and burden of training people who may or may not do a good job will all go away. They all said yes. I owe them all manner of goods and services for a long and indeterminate period of time, but they said yes! When I got home, I actually cried a little bit – the sense of relief was overwhelming. My gratitude to these people is immeasurable…having them as my team is a dream come true. Dream Team…a phenomenon which is so rare and incredibly important. So I ask you, before I get back to work with renewed vigor, who’s on your Dream Team?

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Inside My Head Karen

Do I Trust You?

Karen TrustHave you ever not trusted someone? Have you had your trust broken?

Forgiveness and trust are two different journeys.

Forgiveness is necessary for your health and wellbeing. If you don’t forgive, it can jade your heart or fester bitterness. The sooner you can forgive someone, the sooner the burden of life lightens. We need to live in a lightened place. The heavier the burdens we carry, the weightier our world becomes.

I think where people get confused is in the area of trust; not forgiveness. To say I forgive you is admitting we are all flawed and we all err on imperfection. It’s normal to disappoint or hurt someone. It’s normal to get upset with one another. It’s normal to say, “Forgive me” or “I forgive you.” It’s part of life. We are disillusioned if we presuppose we can ride the wave of life without ever hurting someone or being hurt.

What about trust? That’s a different topic.

I can forgive you, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I will trust you.

When John Fluevog offered me a Director position I accepted wholeheartedly – elatedly! I also told him not to trust me. He gave me that “what did you just say?” look. I added, “I want to earn your trust, John.” It took me 18 months to earn John’s trust. (It was one of my most favorite emails to receive, with these words: “I trust you.”)

Earning someone’s trust is important to me. And someone earning my trust is equally important.

I won’t easily say I trust you. I will say I like you. I will offer up all kinds of accolades. But I will not say “I trust you” unless I really mean it. I measure it in my heart.

  • Do I trust this person is for me?
  • Do I trust this person is honest with me?
  • Do I trust this person is capable of ________?
  • Do I trust this person will do what they say?

Once I know how much I trust the individual, I can engage in the relationship accordingly.

I’m not saying it’s full distrust, but it might be a lack of trust in a specific area. If I trust you 25%, that’s important information for me to know beforehand. If I trust you 100%, then I will pour every ounce of my heart and soul into this personal or business relationship.

It is up to the person to earn my trust, if they so choose. And it’s up to me to grant them my trust, at whatever level that may be. Trust is the opportunity to strength a relationship. Without trust, the foundation weakens.

Sometimes interactions, conversations, or incidences hurt us. Ask yourself, “Does my hurt stem from a lack of trust or from the inability to forgive?” I guarantee you, the majority of time it will be a lack of trust.

– Karen Thrall

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Career Karen

It Took Six Months to Resolve a Conflict

Karen fightSeveral years ago, I experienced a business conflict. This conflict lasted 6 months. I had made a business decision that created this disruption with a colleague.

We were both willing to engage in dialogue and resolve our differences. We had met over coffee a few times over those six months – per my request. However, the conversations never brought resolve. We had opposing views and differing opinions; and we could not find that common ground.   We still worked well together, but there was strain in our relationship. There was an unspoken undercurrent.

On-going conflict for six months is not any fun. It’s disruptive and has a negative impact on camaraderie and rapport.   I don’t like it (does anyone?).

I was determined to resolve!

We went for coffee…again. I asked him to recount his perspective…again .

He shared his views – which was not how I recollected it. But that didn’t matter anymore. All that mattered to me was his interpretation. I no longer tried to explain myself. I sat and listened; and repeated what I was hearing him say. As I listened, I continued to look for the positive intention in what he was trying to convey to me. It wasn’t about being right or wrong anymore. It wasn’t about defending my stance.   It was about respecting his views and valuing his opinions. And in turn, he listened to mine and reciprocated respect.

We resolved.

Interesting what took place next: He thanked me for my tenacity and my patience with the time it took to resolve our differences.

Something clicked in us that day. That very conflict strengthed us. Our loyalty to one another was sealed. And we stepped into a higher level of trust.

What did I learn? If we are willing to engage in dialogue, conflict will only strengthen us. If we are patient – it will resolve. There is nothing to fear. It is not a personal attack when someone disagrees with you. It is a strengthening of forces. Stay in it.

– Karen Thrall

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Career

Anatomy of an Apology

It’s never easy to admit we’re wrong or that we’ve done something to adversely affect someone else, especially if that someone is important in our life (though you’d think that would make it easier!). This is such a hard task, that we’ve come to accept – and offer – the most insincere of apologies.

I’m sorry if I…

No. You’re not sorry if your apology contains the word “if.” You’ve now put the blame back on the person who is supposed to be receiving the apology. You may as well just give up and go with something much more straightforward like “If you’re so sensitive that I hurt your feelings, then it’s not my fault.” Ouch. That’s harsh. And clearly doesn’t convey anything close to remorse for what happened.

Apologizing is all about taking genuine responsibility for your actions. It needs to be “I’m sorry I…” I’m sorry I lied. I’m sorry I missed the deadline. I’m sorry I failed to meet our shared expectations. I’m sorry I wasn’t clear. We’re taught early on never to apologize at the scene of a car accident – doing so implicates you and assigns fault early on, or so we’re led to believe. But in our daily lives, both personally and professionally, an apology can go a long way. Acknowledging your own role in something not going right can quickly defuse a tense situation, and often leads to an apology being returned, which can help decrease your own blood pressure.

And after acknowledging what you’ve done, it’s about being clear that you didn’t mean to cause harm, what you’re going to do to fix it and that you will take action to ensure it doesn’t happen again.

I’m sorry I didn’t meet the deadline we agreed to. I didn’t mean to hold up the project and I’m going to work on it tonight so you’ve got it first thing tomorrow. I’ll put reminders on my calendar so this is the last time we need to have a conversation like this.

I’m not always great about practicing this, but when I’m able to, I find I get to a resolution much faster and everyone feels better, including me. And when I think about the best customer service I’ve received, it’s usually about correcting something that didn’t go as planned in the first place, and a genuine apology for their actions makes all the difference. Things go wrong. We all make mistakes. And way more often than not, it’s not intentionally malicious, so it’s all about how we handle what happens next. So what’s next for you when something doesn’t quite go as you’d hoped?

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Ashley Awesomeness in the World

Life Promises

I have my weekly habits like most people. Monday nights I skip working out, at least once a week I get coffee and oatmeal at Peets (maybe Starbucks), I call my mom or grandmother during my walk home from the metro, and on Sunday night, I watch my standard tv. One of those standard shows is Girls on HBO. It’s a guilty pleasure for sure. I love Lena Dunham’s stark take on life as a twenty-something, even if it is far flung. If you watch, you know the fourth season just ended, and if you’re an avid fan like me, you’re incredibly depressed about how long you have to wait for season 5.

Sometimes revelations come from the most unexpected sources. Likely you’ve had one in the shower or while brushing your teeth. Mine have come from niche corners of my life recently and I sort of enjoy that. The most recent came from – you guessed it – the season four finale of Girls. (Minor spoiler alert!) There’s a birth that brings together some recently estranged characters and when the little one finally arrives, Hannah (Dunham’s character) has some great wisdom about the wonders of life to pass on to the tiny human. In a sweet, baby-coo voice, she says this: “Life…I can’t guarantee perfection, but I can guarantee intrigue.”

How beautiful is that?

If you have any ounce of Type A in you, you’re likely to have a competitive side, a passion for organizing, and an expectation for perfection in everything you do. But even if you’re not a Type A personality, what I think Hannah realized, much like this twenty-something has, is that we often set our bar too high. We expect from ourselves and those around us entirely too much. We ignore the beauty in imperfections and are afraid to say no. After all, we’re busy crafting a perfect life with memories exactly as we want them! If you hang around a Gen Y-er at all, you know they’ve coined the acronym FOMO – fear of missing out. I think that desire for perfection comes so much from our technology-overloaded, over-sharing culture; we want to go on that gorgeous vacation our high school rival just took or get an invite to brunch with that great new group of friends we’ve been courting. But life’s not perfect, is it? We can’t quite customize it the way we hope. But think about how much more exciting that is! Just try and count how many lessons you’ve learned from failure, and how great those stories are when you share them now.

I hope this week, you take the time to recognize the not-so-perfect moments and allow your curiosity to take over – relish in the fascination and intrigue.

– Ashley Respecki