Author: catherinewemette

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Inside My Head Karen

What I’ve Learned From My Favorite Leaders

Karen LeadershipI found a journal entry I wrote in May, 2010 on the topic of leadership.

“One thing I really believe to be foundational…I believe the best leaders do not have an agenda for power; they have an agenda to believe in something greater than themselves. To me, for someone to lead in that way says they are a person of hope, of assurance, of purpose. They are living. Alive! They are inclusive. Because to believe in something greater than one’s self requires people. And people matter. And people’s contributions matter. And people’s voices and input and partnership and gifts..matter. Everyone matters. Everyone truly, truly matters.”

That was five years ago.

Here’s what I’ve learned from some of my favorite leaders. What I’ve admired about them, and therefore long to emulate:

  • The best leaders choose kindness first.
  • The best leaders remain a learner always.
  • The best leaders are devoted to seeing what can’t be seen.
  • The best leaders are incapable of quitting even if they really want to.
  • The best leaders will curiously listen and engage with all ages, all cultures, and all walks of life.
  • The best leaders practice the principle of the “good faith handshake” regardless if others do or not. They will do what they say.
  • The best leaders are honest and pursue character and good repute as a lifestyle.
  • The best leaders offer the gift of mutual respect and human dignity.
  • The best leaders would rather risk failing than to not try and be left always wondering.
  • The best leaders will take responsibility rather than project blame.
  • The best leaders carry an inner confidence and a quiet humility.
  • The best leaders are not afraid to express their vulnerability.
  • The best leaders display on-going gratitude because they know that some of their success is simply “luck” – being in the right place at the right time.

I closed my journal entry with this comment:

And… I’ve also observed that the best leaders can be some of the loneliest people on this planet. They’ve accepted this as part of their journey. Albert Einstein shares his vulnerability when he writes, “It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely.”

– Karen Thrall

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Awesomeness in the World Karen

I Need Your Help

We have the right to be nourished. It’s a phrase that is used in one of our seminars. It’s one of five developmental stages that shapes who we become as adults.

I was on a business trip in Boston, visiting the Fluevog team. It was during an autumn month. I flew in and went straight to the store, with my carry-on and computer bag.

Pete, one of the Fluevogologists, was outside sweeping the steps.

P: “Hey Karen! Welcome back!”

K: “Thanks Pete! It’s great to be back.”

P: “Can I help you with your suitcase?”

K: “No that’s ok. I can do it.”

Wait. Pause. Hold on a minute!

Why won’t I let him help me with my suitcase?

I’m in heels, the steps are steep, the suitcase is heavy – why the bleep would I not ask for help? Because I can manage this suitcase myself. I don’t need help. I’m self-made. I’m independent. I’ve come this far on my own, why would I need help now?

Oh my.

Reload, KT. Reload.

K: “Pete, yes I would love your help. Thanks.”

Pete grabs my suitcase and we walk down the steps together.

P: “Look who just showed up!”

And with that announcement, Fluevog’s finest welcome greeted me upon entering. Ahhhh, good to be back in Boston.

In our western culture, where independence and self-made principles are imbedded into our DNA, no wonder we have lost the art of asking for help.

When’s the last time you said, “I need your help”

It’s a constant reminder in my life. It’s easy to resist help. It’s easy to talk myself out of needing help. But I don’t want to be that kind of person. I want to be human. Humans need humans.

I took my bike to Performance Bicycle on Sorrento Valley Road (which was in pieces due to my road trip from Vancouver to San Diego). I own a Brodie Cuda 29er. Sweet front suspension mountain bike.

Karen bikeI walked in and said, “Hi. I need your help.”

Jason replies, “What can we do for you? We’re here to help.”

K: “My bike is in pieces. Can you reassemble it and air the tires so I can get it back in the trails?”

J: “We absolutely can do that for you.”

I could have reassembled it myself but it would have taken me far too long, in comparison to these pros that have all the gadgets and equipment and skill! And besides, they’d do a way better job than I would!

Asking for someone’s help is part of being human. It’s part of being in community. It’s part of belonging. It’s part of excellent camaraderie. It’s part of healthy relationships. From a professional point of view, it’s also good business.

Why have we stopped asking? What presuppositions have we distorted about the phrase, “I need your help.”

I have a request: I’d like you to ask for help once a day for the next fourteen days. Keep track of the responses. Let me know what happens: me[at]karenthrall.com I’d love to hear about it. If you’re the only one giving, it’s up to you to change that. How? You can start with, “I need your help.”

– Karen Thrall

 * also published on www.karenthrall.com

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Ashley Career

Fear and Desire

As a twenty something, I feel very safe about my life decisions so far. I went to college in my home state, and I applied to grad school and ended up staying at Ball State University after undergrad because it was “free” (tuition reimbursement and a stipend ﹘ can’t beat it). My husband was the one who encouraged me to apply for jobs in February of our final year of grad school, in the heart of thesis projects. It paid off and I found a dream job in a city I longed to live in; it was a package I couldn’t refuse. But truth be told, despite working my butt off these past four years, it’s all been pretty comfortable.

When things get a little too comfortable and/or boring, it’s probably a sign that you’ve been playing it safe for some time. This week, I begin a new job within the organization I currently work for. This will truly be a career shift and is an opportunity to grow skill sets in areas of business I’ve been drawn to since I began my career. I’m incredibly excited about what this new opportunity means for me personally, but I’m most looking forward to the impact I can make within the organization.

But, truth is, although I’m ready to shake things up, I haven’t been so confident about the new role until recently. When I was first approached about the opportunity, I was feeling inadequate and questioned how I could possibly be the right fit for this type of role. (And then Catherine plopped a great article in front of me about how women don’t express their value and exude confidence about their skill set the way men do… go figure.) Once things moved forward, I became pretty terrified by what this change would mean. It wasn’t a new sensation; I’ve been afraid of change for as long as I can remember, though as I age, the degree of fear has lessened substantially. Then I was reading an article where a young female entrepreneur was sharing career advice about how you should be more excited about a new opportunity than you fear it. At that moment I thought, “bingo!” – that’s exactly how I feel.

I’m so excited about this change that any nerves and fears associated with what’s to come have subsided dramatically. I’ve replaced insecurity with desire and determination to succeed. If you’re ever fearful of a new endeavor, I hope you will also take inventory of your emotions and see if excitement is ready to overtake any fear or anxiety clouding your visions of success.

– Ashley Respecki

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Career Libby

Innovation

I attended a program on innovation last week. The speaker was Frans Johannson; he was really compelling. He talked about how innovation is all about intersections – the places where diverse thoughts/industries/paradigms come together. He was able to show how insects can influence architecture and Martin Luther King Jr. has an influence on techno music. It is the surprise factor that makes an idea exciting, and it is diversity that drives innovation.

Now, I have a lot of work-related ideas, many of which are interesting and a few of which are innovative. On one hand we are encouraged to be creative and try new things; on the other, we are hog-tied by something ironically called our “innovation process” – it is a cumbersome methodology designed to ensure that ideas are carefully thought out, the ROI is quantified, the budget is laid out, staff hours are accounted for, etc. All of this sounds perfectly reasonable and logical, and it also effectively kills innovation. It’s a very frustrating place in which to live…I’d really like to innovate the New Product Development process into obsolescence. One of the other things Johannson shared with us is that if we want to innovate, we need to do something, do anything. We may fail, but at least we tried and now we know more than we did before. If the “process” for innovation is to stop failure before it’s tried, there’s no way to try. If you really want to innovate, you need to think in surprising ways, allowing room for trying and subsequently learning from mistakes – with truly unexpected ideas, you can’t possibly know in advance how it’s all going to turnout! Creativity is not a linear process, it is messy and dirty and accidental and fun. To me, rules and frameworks are akin to professional fear…maybe the whole thing will be found lacking and then what? You better innovate your resume…

– Libby Bingham

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Awesomeness in the World Libby

Gardening

The weather in the Washington, DC area has been really nice this spring and it has done its job in motivating me to get outside and dig. I find gardening to be relaxing, good exercise (I have a lot of weeds to pull) and a terrific way to connect with others. Although I am alone most of the time I am doing the work, I find that people will stop and want to chat while I’m out there (covered in dirt, sweaty…good thing I’m already married…). My marathon days of reconnecting with my garden are also days of reconnecting with my neighbors and my family. My son and I both love rocks and collecting them. My husband does not really share this interest, so he encouraged us to build a rock garden together – it’s terrific! Every morning on the way to school, we both stop to admire the garden…sure, nothing has grown, but it’s fun to recognize a new rock that we hadn’t seen before and relive the memory of when it was found. My mother and her entire family are avid gardeners, and my mother has two green thumbs and three green fingers. Her gardens are amazing. Every time I go to her house, she sends me home with cuttings or seedlings or plants she just digs up. Every time they bloom after I’ve planted them at my house (when they survive the transition), I am reminded of her and I call and give her a progress report. This is the same kind of connection I feel with my aunt who died from a brain tumor, or my uncle who died in a car accident – they may be gone, but they live on through the beauty of a blooming iris. By planting and cultivating living things, my relationships are rooting and multiplying, and I love admiring that growth as well. What’s growing in your garden?

– Libby Bingham

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Inside My Head

What’s Lurking Around the Corner

I recently had a conversation with a friend who was laid off not too long ago. She’d reached out to me to ask if we could talk, and was very clear about what had just happened to her and how it was a good thing – a very good thing. She was looking forward to spending the summer with her children and taking the time to figure out what she really wanted to do. She’d already had one job offer since she’d been laid off, but had turned it down. She’s determined to take advantage of this time and I’m so impressed by her. It takes a lot of confidence and courage to be that comfortable with ambiguity, especially when it comes to your livelihood.

That conversation has been rattling around in my head for the past few days. When we think about losing our job, it’s usually in some kind of worst case scenario. But I’m so proud of my friend’s outlook and her ability to see the flip side of this coin. Rather than seeing tragedy and fear, she’s embracing the opportunity to focus on what’s most important to her. She’s prioritizing her family in the immediate future and using the time to think through what her long-term future could be. We so often get bogged down by the unknown, and seeing her excitement and optimism is refreshing. Yes, her husband is in a stable job and they’ve planned well. And they’ll save money by not putting the kids in daycare for the summer. They’ve planned and are ready with a list of adjustments to their lives that they can make at various points along this journey. Of course, this all affords her a certain amount of freedom, and I realize not everyone has that. If she was solely responsible for the family income, insurance and the like, it’s a different scenario. Even then, however, knowing my friend, she would have made plans in case something like this happened. She’s a planner and makes sure she’s prepared for whatever needs handling – whatever may be lurking around the corner.

What strikes me in addition to her embracing this situation is the reminder of the resilience we all have in us – the ability to get our shit handled, no matter what comes at us. Yes, we may have to change course and shift direction. Sure, things may not look exactly like we’d imagined, or turn out as we’d planned (does life ever turn out how we’d planned???). We may have to adjust the way we live and approach the world, but at the end of the day, we all have the confidence and courage to find our own path. We may just need to dig a little deeper, but it’s there. And I’m grateful for the people and events that remind me of my own ability to persevere – it’s a valuable life lesson for me that I learn over and over again.

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Career Karen

Confrontation: Deal with it now or deal with it later

One of my favorite seminars to facilitate deals with the topic of confrontation. We begin with a few general characteristics that typically surface and the participants choose which they prefer: deal with it now or deal with it later. Now the dialogue begins!

In small groups they tackle seven questions, one at a time. The first question is “What do you value most about how you deal with confrontation and conflict?” When they’ve answered the first question, they share the bullet points in the larger forum. They continue on to the second question, “What don’t you like about how the other group deals with confrontation and conflict?” We continue with this format, each question propelling us forward, until we’ve completed the exercise.

We end with a debrief and open conversations. The atmosphere is vibrant! The honesty and transparency is electric! Why? Because the safety to process how we function in unexpected turbulence is valuable.

Many times confrontation and conflict take us by surprise and our emotions are not prepared for this kind of disruption. We need these training opportunities to develop the skill of conflict resolve. I sure do!

Conflict surrounds us on a daily basis. We deal with unsettling moments every day: spilling coffee on your shirt; a traffic jam; a curt email; a rushed meeting; a crowded street; a crying child; the dog made a mess in your kitchen; tripping on a step – you get the idea! And these are the easy ones. The hard ones are when our emotions are heightened and we need to communicate. Sometimes we avoid communicating, hoping it will go away. By avoiding the confrontation, we are left battling disappointment, frustration and anger internally. That takes up a lot of energy.

Learn to communicate well in confrontation. Become an expert. The outcome? You’ll sleep better at night.

Okay, your turn! How do you deal with confrontation?

NOW:  “Let’s deal with this now.”

  • Let’s get it all out on the table and we’ll work through it.
  • If we say anything wrong, we’ll apologize.
  • Let’s not have anything between us.
  • We need to resolve this and not let time lapse.

LATER: “Let’s deal with this later.”

  • Let me think through how I’m feeling before I tell you.
  • I don’t want to say anything that I’ll regret later.
  • My mind is blank and I don’t know what to say.
  • I want to resolve, but I need to figure out what to resolve first.

Emotions play a big part in how well we can resolve conflict. Knowing what works for you to get the Best You to show up is vital to conflict resolution. If you need time to think and formulate your thoughts, take the time. If you need to get it out of your system so it doesn’t fester, get it out. The tricky part is “How?”

Are you in any type of conflict now? Is there a situation with a colleague or a loved one that has unsettled you? First, choose either the stance of Deal With It Now or Deal With It Later. Which one best describes you (normally)? Now, state your value.

“I need to talk about this right away so it doesn’t build up. I want to resolve this. Silence doesn’t work well for me. When are you free to chat?” The hard part for Now People is waiting for the right time to talk. They speak too soon, thus, their energy gets misinterpreted as aggression.

“I need time to think. My thoughts are blank. I want to resolve this, but I need to figure out what to say first. How much time can I have before we chat?” The hard part for Later People is they let too much time lapse and end up never speaking up. Their lack of energy gets misinterpreted as passive aggression.

If you are in leadership, you are trained to deal with matters quickly and efficiently.  But which group is the real you? Pick one, and then become extraordinarily dazzling at it. Become an expert conflict resolver as a Now or as a Later. Develop your skill. And watch conflict diffuse effortlessly.

– Karen Thrall

*also published on www.karenthrall.com

Categories
On the Job

Change: The Universal Language

Last week, Karen and I teamed up to present a session in Atlanta, Georgia. Our session was titled “Change the Game, Don’t Let the Game Change You,” in honor of the great Macklemore & Ryan Lewis. While I’ve been consulting and working with architects and their professional association for almost a year now, I don’t have a background in architecture, and neither does Karen. Sure, we can both appreciate good design, but you definitely don’t want us in charge of designing your building. And while we love to share our experience with change, the most powerful part of the session – and our favorite – is hearing from the attendees themselves.

Karen and I don’t design buildings, and our session attendees don’t teach on the subject of change, and you as the reader don’t have the same background, either. But we do have one thing in common, though: we’ve all experienced change. While the specifics of the changes we’ve had in our personal and professional lives can be vastly different, the emotions that come along with change are usually very familiar: anxiety, excitement, fear, apprehension, curiosity, happiness, relief. While I may not be able to relate to the exact situation of the change happening in your architecture firm, I can definitely relate to feeling nervous about what a change might mean, or being excited about the opportunities it might present for me. And in relating to those common feelings, we find the commonality in our experiences and can learn from each other. That was the coolest part of or session last week – helping the attendees find their common ground and connect with each other. Sure, it was easier since they were in the same industry and they were much more likely to have more similarities in the change they’re experiencing. But it’s powerful knowing you can connect with someone based on a shared experience in emotion. And the cliche about change is true – it’s the only thing that’s constant. We may just as well get comfortable with it and comfortable reaching out to those who can relate. It makes the journey a whole lot easier.

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Book Reports Libby

Dead Wake

I was at my cousin’s wedding and my uncle was discussing the new Erik Larson book about the sinking of the Lusitania in 1915. As a fan of Larson (Devil in the White City, In the Garden of Beasts), I was excited to read his latest book, Dead Wake. I read it in just a few days – as per his style, the true tale gripped me from the get-go. Larson tells his stories from the perspective of those who lived them. By researching passenger biographies, ship manifests and captains’ logs, Larson paints a picture of all the people involved in this tragedy, from the youngest of the ship’s passengers to President Woodrow Wilson. Admittedly, I did not really know the story of the Lusitania – only that it was sunk by a German U-boat and that its sinking is what brought the U.S. into the First World War.

But the story is so much more than that – a story of technology, of communication (or lack thereof), of luck and of hope. Mostly, though, it is a story about decision-making: the many opportunities for things to have gone another way, if only a different decision had been made. What if those passengers had taken another ship on another day? What if the British intelligence agency had shared information more readily? What if the U-Boat captain had gone in a different direction? What if the ship had been using all its power instead of conserving? It’s a tragic story, but also fascinating when you consider how many decisions each of us makes on a daily basis – which of those, even the most mundane, have saved us from unbridled success and which from personal tragedy? It is enough to paralyze one into inaction, or propel one into reckless behavior. How you weigh information and what you do with it is the most important part of writing your own story. What’s your next chapter?

– Libby Bingham

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Inside My Head Karen

The Water Bottle

Karen WaterI went to Cebu, Philippines in my early thirties. I was invited to visit a midwifery program where my friend, Carolina, worked. It was stationed in the most impoverished part of the city. Families (mother, father, children) lived in homes the size of a large dining room table or a guestroom bathroom; made of cardboard and built on pallets.

The water was filthy and the streets had streams trickling through gutters for disposing various polutions. Children were barely clothed and rarely bathed.

The medical shelter had a breakfast and lunch program for children who were severely malnourished.

One day, I placed my water bottle on a shelf while helping with the meal program. Louis, a tiny 5 year old who was deaf and mute, would push and slap as a way of communicating. He began to push and slap me, making loud groans and squeals.

“Louis. Louis. What is it?”

He pointed to my water bottle. He wanted me to give it to him. The children were given beverages, food, snacks and water.

“Oh Louis. No, no. That’s my water bottle. There is your drink.”

He reacted strongly, continuing to make loud shrieks, pointing, jumping and flailing his arms. I tried to calm him down. He was determined to have my water bottle.

I paused. I looked at him. I looked around me.

All these malnourished children. Impoverished. They had nothing. They lived in cardboard homes. They didn’t bathe. They had physical ailments, low immune systems and are fighting for their lives.

AND I WON’T GIVE LOUIS MY WATER BOTTLE?!!

“Louis….”

I grabbed my water bottle. I bent down so our eyes could talk to each other. He can’t hear me. He can’t speak.

“Louis – you can have my water bottle. Yes, please, you can have my water bottle. I’m so sorry, Louis. Forgive me, I was thoughtless. Here you go. It’s yours. I’m very happy to give it to you.”

Louis took my water bottle and ran around the room, showing all the kids. He was so proud that he was the only child with a water bottle.

This memory is a regret of mine. Although it ended on a positive note, I don’t like how small-minded I was. I don’t like me in this story. I don’t like that I said, “no, that’s my water bottle” – to a child who has nothing and I have all the lifestyle comforts at my disposal. I hate that I said “no.” Can’t take it back. Wish I could.

May I always choose generosity over my own personal comforts.

– Karen Thrall