GOOD FOR THE SOULAs 2015 comes to a close and we spend time reflecting with friends and family, we here at Good for the Soul wish you a 2016 filled with all good things – strength, productivity, health, happiness and the courage to take on whatever comes your way. We’ll be here, sharing our experiences and we look forward to seeing what the new year has in store for us. Thank you for sharing this world with us.
Last week I had dinner with some women I’ve been friends with since junior high…I won’t tell you how many years that’s been, but suffice it to say, we’ve been adults for a long, long time. Somehow, it doesn’t feel like it, both in good ways and in bad. Here are some things that I observed during the course of two pitchers of Sangria:
I felt there was a sense of relief from all of us in a way: we have always enjoyed each other, but finally, we’re able to let our true and full selves show and still accept each other, maybe more now than ever before. It is a shame that it has taken so many years, but a feeling of comfort and confidence with longtime friends is an incredible gift to have. I hope that I was able contribute to the healing of old wounds, and offer support to them all in ways they need it. I look forward to years of continued fun and warmth with these friends…happy holidays to us, and to you and all the people you’re in touch with!
– Libby Bingham
At the beginning of this year, I introduced you to Gabriel Oigbokie and he was kind enough to share some of his inner thoughts with us (my personal favorite was the connection he and I shared with Chipotle’s paper bag wisdom). It’s been a while since we’ve heard from Gabriel and I didn’t want to leave anyone hanging. It’s been a busy past few months for our friend. As he eluded to back in March, Gabriel was thinking about packing up and moving across the country to California. Well, that thinking turned to planning and planning turned to moving and Gabriel set off for California last month.
This is the sort of situation for which ‘bittersweet’ was created. I am sad to not have Gabriel right across town and know I can find him hanging out at John Fluevog Shoes in Georgetown. However, I am trilled for this new chapter in his life and so proud of him for taking a huge leap into the unknown. I’m also hopeful we won’t have heard the last from Gabriel here. I know he’s headed for big things and hopefully he’ll still be willing to share his voice with us here from time to time again. In the meantime, I hope you’ll join me in wishing Gabriel all the best in his new adventures. We love you and can’t wait to see what you do next, friend. xo
Earlier this month, I was asked to participate in a panel discussion on women in leadership. I was honored to be included and was looking forward to the discussion. In preparation for our time together, the moderators of the panel sent us a few of the questions they wanted us to consider in advance. They were great questions about our own personal experiences, and I was looking forward to hearing from the other panelists. I was having a hard time with one of the questions, though.
“Tell us about a time you failed.”
Gulp. I had no idea how I was going to answer that question. Now, to be very clear before I go on – it’s not that I’ve always been successful or that things have always worked out for me. That’s absolutely not the case. There have been plenty of times things haven’t worked out as I’d hoped or planned, but nothing jumped out as an instance of failure. That’s become such a loaded word, and just isn’t how I think about things.
We’re so quick to judge and label experiences or situations as successes or failures so we can study or dismiss them, but that’s a terribly limiting point of view. It sets us up for either/or, with no room to grow or think differently. When I think back on things in my life that others might label as failure – leaving school in the middle of a semester, quitting a new job after two weeks and going back to my old job or leaving a dream job – I just don’t see those things as failures. I see them as important events and situations that helped me define who I am. Of course they didn’t work out as I’d planned, but they taught me so much about myself and what I value.
And honestly, I’m grateful things in my life haven’t turned out exactly as planned. If I hadn’t altered my idea of what I wanted out of life as I got older and learned more, I wouldn’t have enjoyed many of the adventures I’ve had. And if I was quick to label something a failure when it didn’t go as I’d planned, would I have been able to enjoy the ride as much?
I’m not afraid to try new things or not be the best at something (there are LOTS of things I’m not the best at!) and I suppose some would say that means I’m not afraid of failure. I guess I think that means I’m not afraid to try, give it my best and see what happens from there. And perhaps suspend judgement along the way.
A recent Washington Post article, Beware the rule-following co-worker, Harvard study warns, points out four signs of a toxic employee. Three of the four weren’t necessarily surprising, but it’s the fourth that really caught my attention.
Simply put, the study found that toxic employees tended to be more selfish and over-confident than their non-toxic colleagues, which is no big surprise. The third finding was that toxic employees tend to follow the rules more strictly, sometimes to the detriment of providing good service, or embracing the rules that keep them at the top of the pyramid. And while that’s interesting and perhaps counterintuitive, the finding that really got me is that toxic employees tend to more productive than the average worker. More!
What I find interesting about the productivity finding is this: that high performance oends up being an excuse for other poor behavior. I think we’ve all encountered such a scenario before. “Sure, Jim can be a pain, but his numbers are great!” It’s beyond frustrating when you’re on the receiving end of Jim’s pain – whether it’s passive-aggressively not responding to you or blatant disrespect, the message you receive is that it’s okay to treat people poorly as long as you’ve got success in another metric. And that’s how we end up with toxic employees who are more productive – not only do we allow it, but we often reward it, especially when that productivity means more profit.
This is the reason we as organization leaders need to integrate values and behaviors into job descriptions and performance expectations. There should be no paradox of good performance trumping poor behavior – good performance must include good behavior. They absolutely can’t be separated if you want your organization to be successful. They’re never easy conversations, but addressing the toxic behavior will not only help your other employees, it will save you money. Harvard says so!
In my last post I shared my personal reflections and experience surrounding the topic of enabling.
Let’s translate this hurdle of enabling into the workplace. What does it look like when someone begins to enable?
I want you to fill in the blanks before you continue reading. Humor me, pretend you’re an enabler. How would you answer these 9 statements?
Unlike popular thinking, it’s not “yes people” that move up the corporate ladder. They will move up, but only at the mercy of a pecking order.
“If I dot all my I’s and cross all my T’s, they’ll choose me.”
Nope.
“If I show support and agreement to my direct supervisor, they will endorse me in my career within the organization.”
Not necessarily.
Only you can move up the ladder. No one can take you there but yourself.
The primary trait that will move you up in your career is a genuine confidence in who you are and your capabilities. That’s what leaders look for.
Confident people are great listeners and engage with fellow stakeholders. They’re team players and forward thinkers who are considerate and inclusive.
Confident people aren’t afraid of stating their thoughts and expressing their opinions because their ultimate desire is to build a great future with a great team.
When we enable, we are acknowledging that we are not confident.
You now have a second chance to answer the above questions. This time, answer them with confidence, with intelligence, with experience and with expertise.
When we respond from a place of confidence, we interpret events, circumstances, environments, conversations and people from a healthier perspective. (Notice how different the above statements are interpreted in the list below.)
Enabling is responding with fear.
Confidence is responding from your true identity. And in your true identity, there is no need for fear.
It’s one thing to accommodate and remain flexible because you want to be. Being flexible is an attribute of team playing. Being accommodating can have a great impact when it’s offered from a place of fearless confidence.
However, it’s considered enabling if you accommodate and remain flexible because you’re afraid of what people will think or you’re afraid the outcome will have a negative impact on you.
What replaces the brokenness of enablement? The valor of confidence.
– Karen Thrall
* also published on www.karenthrall.com
Over Thanksgiving break, I had the opportunity to do a lot of reading, and one of the books I read was Mindy Kaling’s Why Not Me? I love smart and funny women and tear through books like Bossypants and Yes, Please, as well as Kaling’s last book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? These women tell wonderful stories and are funny as hell. But the thing that makes me adore them is that they work hard. They don’t expect things to be handed to them, and through their hard work, they develop incredible bonds with the people around them. That sounds pretty great to me – working hard with people you trust and enjoy. They also sneak in really smart observations in the middle of their witty story-telling. It’s like they’re tricking you into learning!
I was tricked into learning about confidence and entitlement in the last chapter of Kaling’s book. She revisits a question she got at a panel and didn’t feel like she addressed well at the time. A teen-aged woman asked Kaling about confidence and where she found hers. In retrospect, Kaling felt she gave a generic answer about her family and her parents believing in her. And while that was true, she expanded on her ideas about confidence and where it comes from.
Kaling is a hard worker and is proud of it. And because that hard work, she talks about feeling entitled. Not the kind of entitled we’ve come to associate with “kids these days who don’t know the value of hard work.” but the kind of entitlement that comes from being a good person and working your ass off. We are all entitled to basic decencies from the second we’re born, and sometimes that’s harder for women, and women of color, which Kaling also addresses. But past the basic decencies, you have to earn your entitlements. Being entitled is a concept we’ve come to view as wrong, and I think Kaling’s approach is refreshing. Sometimes, it’s okay to feel entitled. And in her words, confidence comes when you “work hard, know your shit, show your shit and then feel entitle.”
And to me, that’s a beautiful concept.
Every fall, my husband and I give in and pay the ridiculous monthly fee to get Showtime so we can watch Homeland, and the last two years, The Affair. You guys, I’m obsessed. Season 1 was phenomenal, and while Season 2 hasn’t held my husband’s interest because he claims it’s verging on the edge of a “chick flick” (I know, I know…that phrase is just as rage-inducing for me), the show can still count me as a loyal follower. But, at the onset, my husband and I were both equally sold on the writing, and more importantly, the style of storytelling.
The story is told through each character’s memory biases. What started as memory biases of just two main characters has grown to include two additional key characters in Season 2. I think when we started watching the show last fall, I was enamored by the idea of memory biases. I think of myself as a pretty great storyteller (humble too, uhem) and the idea that someone could have such a vastly different memory from a shared experience is sort of upsetting to me. Especially since, despite using superlative language a little too much, I’m not much of an exaggerator. Intense and dramatic, yes, but divergent from reality, not so much. My husband would tell you I’m a boring storyteller sometimes because of my interest in sticking to reality. But I mean, come on — life is scary enough without intensifying it to the nth degree.
For the first time ever, memory biases in my business relationships have become simply puzzling. In my new project management role, I’m extensively documenting interactions from meetings and phone calls in order to outline roles and responsibilities and next steps. I also use that documentation to provide appropriate recall when decisions and actions come into question. But, I’ve learned that despite agreement and acceptance of actions at a given point, people’s memory bias and further experience create conflicts and power struggles. It’s exhausting.
Solutions have evaded me, and hindered so much progress. I’ve been conceding more than defending and feel as though the loss of credibility in doing so is somehow worse than an argument. I wonder if others have had similar difficulty with variances in memory recall and what you’ve utilized or developed. Can you relate? Has memory bias ever damaged any of your relationships, personal, business, or otherwise?
(More importantly, do you love The Affair as much as I do?!)
– Ashley Respecki
I’ve been reflecting SO MUCH on the topic of enabling.
What I write in this post is my perception and perspective. I’m not a medical expert and do not have university psychological training. I’m reflecting on the word “enabling” based on my experience and my conduct. I’ve grown in leaps and bounds, but on occasion, it still rears its ugly head.
The hardest part about admitting I’m an enabler is looking at the intentions of my conduct. My perception tells me I’m being loving, thoughtful, accommodating, understanding, forgiving, looking-the-other-way, empowering and supportive.
How can that be wrong? How can I possibly be labeled an enabler?
It’s not these characteristics that define enabling. It’s the conduct and motive behind the behavior. The root of ‘why I do what I do’ is the enabling part.
Sorry to break it to ya, but fear is the root of all enablers. And fear distorts our lens on reality and we end up responding in a way that is unhealthy.
So I better not act in these ways, whatsoever! After all, I don’t want people to think of me in this light.
An enabler is worried of how they’ll be perceived:
It was 2009 when I went through counseling, and at that time was told I was an enabler. This diagnosis was a true gift. What enlightenment! Thank you, doctor! I had no idea! It transformed me and launched me on a new path; a path where I learned to find my voice.
How do you stop being an enabler?
Mutual empowerment on how we feel and think is healthy. One person catering to another’s wishes, thoughts, actions, wants, needs – but is not reciprocated – is not healthy. If the game is one-way, you may want to explore the dysfunction of enablement.
– Karen Thrall
*also published on www.karenthrall.com
A few years ago, I dated this guy who, after 7 months, said to me, “I don’t have feelings of love for you.” I was quite taken back. I had not heard that phrase before.
“You have no feelings of love?”
Like, I love pizza. I love this movie. I love golf. No feelings of love?
It was important to him that I know this ‘truth’.
My truth, in response to him was: “I need to be with someone who loves me. I want to be loved.”
The irony is we continued dating.
I conjured an enabling theory that could keep me in this dating relationship: “He doesn’t know how to love. He’s been so hurt. Be patient, Karen.”
A few months later we parted ways. His intentions were clear and it continued to play out: this relationship was not a loving relationship and would never be one.
Karen Thrall could not ‘fix’ this. I could not ‘change’ this. I could not act better, try harder, do more, serve more, give more.
I struggle with being an enabler. It’s something that rears its ugly head on occasion. I’ve come a long way in progress; but it still shows up every so often. It’s a pattern I created in my life from a very young age. Perhaps it will be a life-long journey. I hope not.
However, I look back and look at my present and celebrate, because I can see how far I’ve come. I can see how much I’ve grown, matured and advanced. I’m a work in progress. As long as I continue to grow and learn, this bane will be a gift to me.
A few days ago, the memory resurfaced. It’s a sentence that stuck and I’ve allowed it to fuel feelings of unworthiness: to believe I was not worthy of love.
Why would I allow my inner-person to embrace these feelings of unworthiness? Why would I allow my self to entertain the notion that I’m not worthy of love? How did this lie creep into my subconscious, into my life?
The story I share is just a story. It happened once. In my entire life, I’ve only heard that phrase once. How could I possibly allow one phrase to have that kind of power?
I was chatting with my sister about it last night. Musing upon this memory and the effect it had on me.
She said, “Starting now, it no longer has an effect. It’s that easy. The bottom line is, you’re worthy of love. Choose it. Make the switch immediately.”
It’s exactly what I needed to hear. Replace the lie with truth.
I am worthy of love.
I chose to share this with you, not for your sake, but for mine. Today I reclaim the truth that I’m worthy of love. And I say to Karen, “Please forgive me for letting feelings of unworthiness cloud your heart, your soul and your hope.”
I am worthy of love. Not for what I do, not because of who I am, or what I say. I am worthy of love because I am worthy of love. There are no stipulations or criteria. There is no merit system. There is no checklist. There are no conditions. There are no hoops for me to jump through. To be worthy of love is the beauty of being human. When you’re born, you are instantly worthy of love. This is what I truly believe. And I stand strongly on this truth. Not wavering, not clouded.
How people treat you with regards to your worth does not define your worthiness.
You are loved. You are worthy of love.
I’d like to share this gift of truth and self-acceptance with you. May it touch your heart as it has touched me this morning.
Today I shed a memory that does not help me shine. I shed a memory that darkens my self-worth. I shed a memory that caused me to question my worthiness. And today, I re-launch the solid, non-negotiable truth that sets me free to truly live: I am worthy of love.
– Karen Thrall
*also published on www.karenthrall.com
GOOD FOR THE SOUL