Happy Friday, friends! We’re going to keep it simple today. Enjoy your weekend!
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Category: Awesomeness in the World
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Facts vs. Stories
Last week, I talked about the Crucial Conversations training I recently attended and promised (threatened?) I’d be sharing more about it. There was just so much good stuff! In addition to stealing the term human engineering, one of the biggest lessons for me was the idea of fact vs. story. The premise is that facts themselves don’t get our emotions going – it’s the stories we tell ourselves about those facts that really affect us. For instance, if I get a card in the mail from a friend, that’s the fact. Getting the card itself doesn’t make me happy or sad. However, the story I tell myself about why she sent me the card is what makes me happy – my friend took time out of her day to get a card, write a kind message and then mail it to me because I’m a priority in her life. That’s the story. But wait, you say! Couldn’t it be a fact that I’m a priority in her life? Nope. It can be a true story, but it’s not a fact. A fact is something that actually happened. Facts can’t be argued. A story is something I tell myself based on my experience and observations – the context of our relationship, the nice message she wrote inside, that she knew I was having a rough week.
Here’s why this is so powerful to me – it’s so easy to go right to the negative stories. He didn’t return my email because he doesn’t care about my project. I didn’t get invited to the party because I’m not fun. She blew off the meeting because she’s scatter-brained and can’t keep her calendar straight. These are all the negative stories that we tell ourselves and they’re upsetting. To be fair to us poor humans, we’re wired this way – it’s not our fault. Telling stories is how we’ve evolved and how we make sense of the world. Fact: There is a growling sound and a rustling in the bush. Story: Last time I heard this sound and saw a rustling, my caveman friend got eaten by a large cat – I’m getting out of here. Stories keep us safe.
Stories, however, can also be our own downfall. We can easily cast ourselves in stories as the helpless victim and make someone else the villain. This happens in the blink of an eye. But mostly (and I do mean mostly – there are obviously exceptions), people are good and aren’t out to get you. He didn’t return my email because he’s traveling and his phone isn’t syncing with the email server. I didn’t get invited to the large party because the host knows I prefer more intimate dinner parties and she didn’t want me to feel obligated to come. She blew off the meeting because her boss came in with an emergency and she knew we could catch up later.
There are any number of stories we can tell ourselves about one small fact. That’s a helpful reminder to me when I feel attacked, forgotten or frustrated. I can get out of my negativity and ask the other person what’s going on. And that’s really the key – recognize the story you’re telling yourself and then check it out. You’ll stop yourself from getting into a downward spiral of negativity and you’ll get more parts to the story to form to a better understanding of what’s going on. And if there’s a problem and the story isn’t what you want it to be, that’s good news, too. You have the power to rewrite any story you’re involved in.
“The difference between a community and a network is that you belong to a community, but a network belongs to you. You feel in control. You can add friends if you wish, you can delete them if you wish. You are in control of the important people to whom you relate. People feel a little better as a result, because loneliness, abandonment, is the great fear in our individualist age…But most people use social media not to unite, not to open their horizons wider, but on the contrary, to cut themselves a comfort zone where the only sounds they hear are the echoes of their own voice, where the only things they see are the reflections of their own face.”
I came across Zygmunt Bauman, a Polish sociologist, and his opinion on social media triggered the question of whether I am authentic on the internet, if my social media presence is a true projection of who I am.
Here, on the Creative Community Blog, I strive to be honest, to exercise getting my thoughts into (hopefully) relatable words, and to take a better look at how I’m currently feeling. But outside of writing here, I’ve realized that I might not be authentic on the internet and I’m not too proud of that. I curate the crap out of my Instagram, and my Twitter feed only exists because I heard in a podcast that if you don’t use Twitter in the tech world you’re nobody (ugh, my brain was all “gotta get on Twitter, you’re turning 25 in a few months and what if you have a quarter-life crisis and decide to be in the tech world. You better have a Twitter handle ready in case that happens!”). I don’t use Facebook because it seems stressful to keep up appearances on four platforms as well as in person.
Being a designer makes this even harder. When someone finds me on Instagram, I want all my pictures to share an aesthetic and show that I care about colors, light, and subject matter. All too often, I take a picture of something I find funny and after applying five different filters and playing with the light levels realize that it doesn’t have a home on my feed. This constant curating makes my online presence feel like a brand. It’s taken on it’s own life, and the real parts of my life that I want to share don’t have a home there. And when I take a step back, I feel a bit vapid about the pale pink backgrounds and black and white pictures of people… that’s not showing who I am, it’s showing who I think I have to be.
So how do I navigate out of these waters? I’m one for quotes (not a surprise at this point) since they sum things up so much more succinctly and poetically than I can, so here’s one that helps me put my social media into perspective:
“Authenticity is not needing external approval to feel good about your actions.”
– Kate Arends
I should post the things that make me happy, not the things that will get me the most likes or more followers. My portfolio can be the place for aesthetics and soft lighting, my Instagram (and Twitter and Snapchat) should showcase the tiny moments that are authentic and not always beautiful.
– Melissa Grant
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Fourth Place
I was meeting a friend for lunch last week and my walk there took me through a park. It was a warm enough day in January that there were a lot of people out and about (or maybe it wasn’t that warm and people were just thrilled to be out of their homes after our big snow storm. Either way…). There was a group of 7 people who caught my attention – presumably two mothers and their five kids. (Okay, after considering this last sentence, maybe it wasn’t that warm out. If I had multiple children at home during a snow storm, I’d be out whenever I could, regardless of the temperature!) One child was being carried and the other four girls were running around while their caretakers kept close watch.
In their playing, the four girls were racing to an imaginary finish. The first one crossed and yelled out, “I’m first!” She was followed by the second and third girls who also eagerly claimed their places with shouts of glee. Finally, the fourth – and seemingly youngest – caught up and triumphantly shouted “I’m fourth!” with as much pride as the first three. In that instant, she made my heart happy with the way she viewed the world. She wasn’t sad about being the smallest or coming in last. Instead, she was delighted with her finish – she placed FOURTH, after all! And what struck me as equally impressive was that her fellow racers didn’t tell her she lost or correct her fourth place finish to a last place finish – they all continued on to whatever adventure was next, happy to have completed the race.
This whole exchange happened in the span of less than a minute, but stuck with me for the rest of the day (and into this week, clearly). I was delighted by the joyous statement of fact, free from any judgement along with it. It made me wonder when we lose that – when do we stop seeing fourth place and start seeing last place? Others may be quick to point out our shortcomings, but I so much prefer this girl’s way of seeing the world and her place in it. I think we could all stand to be a little kinder to ourselves. Focus a bit more on the facts and a bit less on the judgement. See a few more fourth place finishes and a few less last place finishes. This was a wonderful reminder to me and I hope sticks with me until I get the next reminder.
Here’s to all our fourth place finishes!
We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope
– Martin Luther King, Jr.
We are not immune to hope.
Regardless of your circumstances, you will find a whisper of hope. We must find this hope in every aspect of our lives.
Never dismiss hope.
If there’s any topic I want to petition, it would be in contending for the richness of living a hope-filled life. Hope is what takes us out of muck and chaos. Hope is what drives us to rise above our challenges.
Disappointment can dry up our optimism. What does disappointment sound like? Here are a few examples:
- “It’s not fair.”
- “Why am I the only one who…”
- “I knew it was too good to be true.”
- “I can’t believe…”
- “I doubt it’ll happen.”
- “I’m worried…”
- “I expect.”
- “I regret.”
- “I don’t trust…”
- “I am discouraged.”
How many of these phrases have you thought or said over the course of your life? Take inventory.
If your hope has waned, reclaim it today. Why? Because hope is a cup of cold water quenching your thirst. Ensure hope is in the rhythm of your daily life. It is a gift for you.
Here are few examples of what hope offers.
- Gratitude: Find what you’re grateful for.
- Encouragement: Ask someone for encouraging words.
- Community: Lean on others and they will prop you up.
- Love: Love conquers all doubt. Receive love from loving people.
- Acceptance: Let go of needing to know the outcome. Ride the wave.
- Expectancy: Open yourself up to what might be possible.
- Clarity: Find what you truly value and what you deeply desire.
- Vision: Illuminate your eyes to see something bigger than yourself.
- Trust: Know that something good is waiting for you.
- Wonder: Believe like a child. Learn like a child. Trust like a child.
This all belongs to you. Every day.
And one more thing, when you surround yourself with hope-filled people, they are contagious.
– Karen Thrall
*also published on www.karenthrall.com
Every year, I present myself a theme. I reflect in December, in preparation for the year to come, and ponder the resource and gift I want the new year to bring me.
I’ve been doing this for approximately 10 years, and I have yet to be disappointed.
When a theme is in the forefront of my mind, I remain incredibly aware of the world around me. It creates a childlike wonder and an anticipation. It gives me permission to ask the dreamy question, “what if?”
My yearly themes break down my guardedness and stretches me out of my comfort zone. My themes create adventures I would never experience if it wasn’t for my intention to stay true to my objective.
It’s not too late to ask yourself, “what is my theme for 2016?”
Reflect on what you want your theme to be. Then say yes to it.
Here’s an important tip: Don’t sit around and expect the experiences to fall from the sky. Once you know your theme, what will you do about it?
One year, my theme was “say yes.” Oh my, sometimes it got me into trouble, “hmmm…maybe I shouldn’t have said yes to that.” But my commitment was to “say yes” so, I said “yes.” For every great moment and opportunity that arose, there was only a smidgen of “shouldn’t have said yes” moments. The “say yes” experiences far outweighed the not-so-great ones. I would say only 2% of my “say yes” moments embarrassed me. But embarrassment doesn’t kill me, and actually make for great stories in the aftermath! Therefore, all my “yes” moments were a great experience and I don’t regret any of them.
Another year, my theme was “Let go.” Wowzers. This theme confronted my need to control (control is based from fear). So ultimately, it also confronted my fear. It was a liberating year of “letting go.” I was challenging myself continually and often re-visiting conversations, eating humble pie, and choosing to relinquish control. Each time I “let go” I was one step closer to being my care-free self. How rewarding!
What is your theme? Find it. Chase it. Embrace it.
– Karen Thrall
*also published on www.karenthrall.com
As the Powerball lottery jackpot climbs to an estimated $1.3 billion dollars and lottery frenzy takes over small talk (would you take the lump sum or amortized payout? What would you buy first? Who would you tell?), I can’t help but think about the collective power we have when we come together.
The basic premise of the lottery is simple – many people pay a small amount, the money pools together, and someone (or someones, as can be the case), gets lucky and wins a pile of cash. And millions of people do this, despite the fact that you have a better chance of getting hit by lightning or getting bit by a shark than willing the big prize, USA Today reports. But it’s that chance – however small it might be – that keeps people coming back and dreaming big.
That’s a whole lot of dreaming and and a whole lot of hope in the face of overwhelming odds, not to mention a whole whackton of cash (I’m pretty sure whackton in the technical definition when we’re talking about a jackpot this large). And that’s what got me thinking – is it possible to harness this power of collective hope towards something else other than our own personal gain? Maybe it’s cynical, but I don’t know that we can. I want to believe it’s possible, but I just don’t know. We complain about the taxes we pay, and if we don’t complain about the amount or the concept, we complain about the things “our” money is spent on. And given the choice, I don’t know how many of us would willingly turn our money over, even for the things we know we use everyday like roads and sidewalks, or the things we hope we don’t have to use, but are glad exist, like police and fire departments.
So if that’s the case, what’s the lesson in all this? We’re all greedy, sad souls who only care about ourselves? Well, I’m not that cynical. I think charities and service-based nonprofits are wonderful examples of people coming together to have an impact (and can restore my faith in humanity). My $50 alone can’t make a dent in helping those living with HIV and AIDS, but when I donate my money to organizations committed to providing food, services and education to those affected by HIV and AIDS, the impact of all our $50 donations can be awesome. And that has a positive impact on my community and I believe a community of healthy and happy people certainly benefits me.
And there are practical lessons for us as we look at our organizations. Sure, research tells us that involving people in the process creates better buy-in and success, and that’s true at every step of the way, from conceptualization to execution to post-evaluation. But the study of human nature that is the Powerball tells us that if people have even the slightest hope that their lives can be made better, they’re willing to part with some of their cash, and I think the same argument can be made for their time. I’m seeing that right now in a group I’m working with. They’re volunteering their time at work, above and beyond their normal day jobs, to improve the quality of life at work. And they’re accomplishing great things that no one person could do, even if it was their full-time job. It’s the power of the collective.
So with that, the idealist in me encourages you to spend that $20 on Powerball tickets and dream the hell out of the possibilities. But then, find another way to pool an additional $20 to help your community and be guaranteed a return on your investment (way better than being bitten by a shark!). And if you’re feeling especially motivated, take a look around you and find a place where harnessing the power of those around you can have an impact. You may not raise $1.3 billion, but the good news is that there’s a whole that can be accomplished on the way there.
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Harsh Truths
In the middle of all the New Year Resolution posts going around, someone posted a link to 6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person by David Wong. A few warnings…
- If you don’t appreciate harsh language with your harsh truths, this article is definitely not for you.
- The article was originally posted at the end of 2012, so while new to me, it may be old news to you.
- The website that originally posted the article is aimed at 20-something males, so…
- People seem to love or hate this approach to the world. There don’t seem to be many folks in the middle.
Given that I’m devoting a blog post to this, you can probably guess that I’m in the love camp. It’s not because I particularly love harshness for the sake of harshness, but I think his overall message is right on. Wong organizes his argument into these 6 truths, but his second to last truth is the one that really summed up his whole article for me: What you are inside only matters because of what it makes you do. He explains it this way:
Being in the business I’m in, I know dozens of aspiring writers. They think of themselves as writers, they introduce themselves as writers at parties, they know that deep inside, they have the heart of a writer. The only thing they’re missing is that minor final step, where they actually f***ing write things.
But really, does that matter? Is “writing things” all that important when deciding who is and who is not truly a “writer”?
For the love of God, yes.
How many of you are walking around right now saying, “She/he would love me if she/he only knew what an interesting person I am!” Really? How do all of your interesting thoughts and ideas manifest themselves in the world? What do they cause you to do? If your dream girl or guy had a hidden camera that followed you around for a month, would they be impressed with what they saw? Remember, they can’t read your mind — they can only observe. Would they want to be a part of that life?
Wong talks earlier in his article about the world only caring what it can get from you and hippies being wrong [insert audible gasp here from many people]. But I get what he’s saying. It’s not just enough to be a nice person and think kind thoughts – it’s about how your nice comes out and what your kind thoughts drive you to do that’s noticeable to other people. The world wants your unique skills and kindness, and while perhaps unpopular with some, this call to action is just the sort of thing that resonates with me.
I’m personally wired with a bias towards action as opposed to patiently waiting, which is probably why this resonates with me so much (that said, my bias is sometimes good and sometimes gets me in trouble, and I definitely need the people who are wired to be patient in my life. It’s taken me a long time to learn from these types of people that not responding can be a thoughtful choice, and sometimes the most powerful option, but that’s another issue for another day.). Wong ends his article with a call to action for the new year – learn a new skill and be good enough to impress people with it. But I’d take it a step further.
Don’t set out to do what you think will be impressive to others – set out to do what you want to impress others with. While it’s easy to look for the tangible creations – painting, learning to code, cooking – don’t forget the intangibles that show you’ve a nice person. Send just because cards in the mail, make time for coffee with someone you know is having a hard time, buy a copy of a book you read for a friend who would enjoy it – impress people in your own unique way and let your kindness shine. Let’s do this, 2016!
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A Merry and Bright 2016
As 2015 comes to a close and we spend time reflecting with friends and family, we here at Good for the Soul wish you a 2016 filled with all good things – strength, productivity, health, happiness and the courage to take on whatever comes your way. We’ll be here, sharing our experiences and we look forward to seeing what the new year has in store for us. Thank you for sharing this world with us.
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Coming of Age
Last week I had dinner with some women I’ve been friends with since junior high…I won’t tell you how many years that’s been, but suffice it to say, we’ve been adults for a long, long time. Somehow, it doesn’t feel like it, both in good ways and in bad. Here are some things that I observed during the course of two pitchers of Sangria:
- “I’m a needy person.” My friend told me that just recently she came to the realization that she’s a needy person; she was also slightly annoyed that I had never told her this. I reminded her that as youngsters, we constantly discussed her penchant for crying and her need to be the center of attention. I figured that would make her cry, but instead she said, “Oh, right…duh!”
- I’m like the glue? As I was growing up, I always felt a little on the fringes of our group, a part yet apart. My other friend said she found that very interesting as she had always thought of me as “the glue that held everyone together.” What a surprise! I wonder if she had shared that observation with me in 7th grade whether or not I would have truly felt more confident.
- Beware the mocking. With the cancellation of another, my third friend was relieved to have avoided some mocking for her lack of fashion sense. To me, it always seemed relatively harmless, but through some story sharing I got a better picture of her life as the 6th of 7 children with not a lot of money to waste. They were all encouraged to become runners for economical considerations, including even sharing shoes that were repaired with glue. I realized – once again – that things are truly never what they seem.
- Can I eat your fruit? Our fifth friend always had the reputation for being a goody-two shoes, but I think it really, truly came down to her being a good person. She is still the same, after marriage, kids, work drama – she has a very positive take on life. Not sure if that comes from her religious beliefs or her core make-up. Either way, she is an amazing person who has the ability to remind us of the good we can do. And she can knock back some Sangria fruit.
I felt there was a sense of relief from all of us in a way: we have always enjoyed each other, but finally, we’re able to let our true and full selves show and still accept each other, maybe more now than ever before. It is a shame that it has taken so many years, but a feeling of comfort and confidence with longtime friends is an incredible gift to have. I hope that I was able contribute to the healing of old wounds, and offer support to them all in ways they need it. I look forward to years of continued fun and warmth with these friends…happy holidays to us, and to you and all the people you’re in touch with!
– Libby Bingham
GOOD FOR THE SOUL 