Category: Inside My Head

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Inside My Head Karen

What Do You Want?

KarenWantThe question I have for you is: What do you want?

I’ve observed that it’s easier for us to list what we don’t want. But can we truly list what we want? Can we speak it forth? Can we proclaim without apology?

Do you think it’s selfish to “want?”

A dear friend of mine once said to me, “Stop being a martyr. It doesn’t look good on you.”

What does that mean?

At that time in my life, I chose to act in a state of apology for who I was, suppressed what I longed for, dismissed what I dreamed of, tempered what I desired, forbade what I wanted, etc. I let my insecurity keep me hidden. After all, to want is selfish, right?

Wrong. Selfish means a lack of consideration for others and being only concerned with your own profit. To want is a desire and a wish.

It’s up to you if you want to step into your wants selfishly or with desire. Both will get results; although the outcomes will be different.

Do you know what happens when you know what you want?

You activate motion. Whether small or great, motion is motion. A caterpillar or a cheetah. Both are moving forward. Don’t underestimate the power of movement.

I want to get from A to Z.

How will you do that?

I will start at A until I reach B; then I will go to C. Thought-filled timeliness. Or I will start at A and will leap to Z. Passionate timeliness.

Both are valuable. Both are moving you forward.

Pause and take inventory of what you want in:

  1. Love
  2. Family
  3. Friendship
  4. Purpose
  5. Career
  6. Finances
  7. Rest
  8. Joy
  9. Hobbies
  10. Quality of Life

Currently, do your desired wants have active motion?

If not, what are you going to do about it? What small or large steps can you take to activate your wants?

Stay in motion.

– Karen Thrall

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Inside My Head Karen

Do I Trust You?

Karen TrustHave you ever not trusted someone? Have you had your trust broken?

Forgiveness and trust are two different journeys.

Forgiveness is necessary for your health and wellbeing. If you don’t forgive, it can jade your heart or fester bitterness. The sooner you can forgive someone, the sooner the burden of life lightens. We need to live in a lightened place. The heavier the burdens we carry, the weightier our world becomes.

I think where people get confused is in the area of trust; not forgiveness. To say I forgive you is admitting we are all flawed and we all err on imperfection. It’s normal to disappoint or hurt someone. It’s normal to get upset with one another. It’s normal to say, “Forgive me” or “I forgive you.” It’s part of life. We are disillusioned if we presuppose we can ride the wave of life without ever hurting someone or being hurt.

What about trust? That’s a different topic.

I can forgive you, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I will trust you.

When John Fluevog offered me a Director position I accepted wholeheartedly – elatedly! I also told him not to trust me. He gave me that “what did you just say?” look. I added, “I want to earn your trust, John.” It took me 18 months to earn John’s trust. (It was one of my most favorite emails to receive, with these words: “I trust you.”)

Earning someone’s trust is important to me. And someone earning my trust is equally important.

I won’t easily say I trust you. I will say I like you. I will offer up all kinds of accolades. But I will not say “I trust you” unless I really mean it. I measure it in my heart.

  • Do I trust this person is for me?
  • Do I trust this person is honest with me?
  • Do I trust this person is capable of ________?
  • Do I trust this person will do what they say?

Once I know how much I trust the individual, I can engage in the relationship accordingly.

I’m not saying it’s full distrust, but it might be a lack of trust in a specific area. If I trust you 25%, that’s important information for me to know beforehand. If I trust you 100%, then I will pour every ounce of my heart and soul into this personal or business relationship.

It is up to the person to earn my trust, if they so choose. And it’s up to me to grant them my trust, at whatever level that may be. Trust is the opportunity to strength a relationship. Without trust, the foundation weakens.

Sometimes interactions, conversations, or incidences hurt us. Ask yourself, “Does my hurt stem from a lack of trust or from the inability to forgive?” I guarantee you, the majority of time it will be a lack of trust.

– Karen Thrall

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Ashley Inside My Head

(A dose of) Why I Married an Architect

In 2012, I married my best friend. Nick is a smart, intense, hard-working guy. He’s also an architect, licensed to practice in the District of Columbia. The only problem is that we’ve got that architecture thing in common.

Nick and I met in my home state while receiving our undergraduate degrees and by the time we were considering grad school, we were pretty committed to one another. That commitment was evidenced by our decision to both stay at Ball State University for our Master of Architecture degrees and to move in together. In that time, we worked on architecture studio projects as a team, both held graduate assistantships at the University library (where we briefly shared a very small office), and cohabited a three-bedroom apartment. (Oh Indiana…how I miss having that much space to live in!) Needless to say, it was pretty clear we could make it through marriage. If we could spend that much time together and not kill one another, it was meant to be.

The thing is, architects are weird. There’s no other way to slice it. We’re taught to see the world differently – to see design in everything we do – and we make it through our training by having our work consistently critiqued. If you’ve met any architects, chances are they’re visionary, creative individuals who pay great attention to detail, constantly look for alternative solutions to problems, and it’s likely they sought an alternative career, possibly in engineering or art. That makes us sound too great – what I really mean is we’re picky, opinionated, believe we’re smarter than we (likely) are, and think we can do anything.

All that coupled with our intensity probably makes Nick and I an unbearable couple to be around – you should see us play sports or flip cup together! Sometimes I’m surprised we have friends that even like to hang out with the two of us together. But we make it work. I’m so grateful for his ability to push me to try new things, go after things I want, and challenge the status quo. I’m grateful for the way he inspires me to be better every day, even if he does it like an architect. You don’t need to be married to an architect (but bless you if you are) to have someone who inspires you in just the right way, but I’d love to know how that someone in your life inspires you in just the right way that you need to be inspired.

– Ashley Respecki

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Inside My Head Karen

Compartmentalizing

Karen CompartmentsDon’t allow your fears and anxieties to paralyze you from making good decisions.

I can be content about many things and anxious about one thing. And that’s okay. Chances are, there will always be that one thing that I’m unsettled about. My life isn’t paradise. But I will make the best of it.

Compartmentalizing works well for me. I take inventory on a daily basis. I zoom out. I look at the entire picture. I don’t pigeonhole myself into a rut. I won’t let myself wallow in that one area of my life that is the bane of my world!

Usually when we’re unsettled, it’s not about everything; it’s about one or two things. I refuse to allow that one compartment to rob me of the happiness that is living in all other compartments. No matter how upset it makes me.

Some might say, “That’s great for you, Karen. But I am extremely anxious in every part of my life.” Really? I promise you, I can prove that to be an inaccurate statement.

Hone in on whatever that negative vice might be, and name it. What is it – exactly? Once you have the exact language and perspective, you then zoom out and measure it against other personal topics and situations.

Several years ago, I was at a party. I had just launched a small business. I was now officially an entrepreneur. A neighbor of mine, a successful entrepreneur, approached me and said, “So I hear you started a business?” I nodded yes and we chatted about what it means to be an entrepreneur. He then says, “Have you cried in the corner like a baby yet?” Pleasantly surprised and relieved by how accurate he was, I blurt out, “Yes! Yes, I have!”   I laughed and he smiled, “Yeah, me too. We’ve all done it.”

Wait. What? What did he mean, “We’ve all done it?!?”

He meant it’s normal. He included me amongst the entrepreneur posse and reassured me that those moments of “anxiety” were momentary and played a smaller role in the bigger order of life.

We can afford to be anxious for a moment; however, we cannot afford to wallow in anxiety. Fear must never dominate the path we have embarked upon.

One of the best gifts I give myself is the permission to change my mind. This is how I experience this situation today. Only today. Tomorrow is tomorrow. I then resolve to look at all the areas of my life where I am content. They are more important to me than this negative situation.

I have a friend who writes his gratitude list every day. I like that. That’s another way to do it. There’s many ways to remind yourself that fear in one area must not dominate your overall gratitude.

Anxiety is not meant to paralyze you. It becomes a gift that provokes you. But it can only provoke you if you acknowledge the compartments you’re indeed content with. Our hardships become an offensive weapon that propels forward motion.

What are these compartments? Here are a few suggestions I propose:

  • Your income
  • Your personal finances
  • Your financial responsibilities
  • Your (student) loans
  • Your position at work
  • Your educational status
  • Your colleagues
  • Your supervisors
  • Your workload
  • Your commute
  • Your demographics
  • Your neighbor
  • Your friend(s)
  • Your child(ren)
  • Your spouse/partner
  • Your love life
  • Your sexual activeness
  • Your health
  • Your fitness
  • Your eating habits
  • Your addictions
  • Your communication skills
  • Your social skills
  • Your social circle
  • Your hobby
  • Your home
  • Your home life
  • Your home responsibilities

(1) Rate each one anywhere between 0-10. Zero means you are absolutely undeniably miserably anxious!! Ten means you are over-joyed, elated, and exuberantly content!!

(2) If you rated yourself below a 2, is there anything you can potentially do to increase your number from 0 to, let’s say, a 2.25? I’m not asking you to jump immediately to a 10. I’m asking if there’s anything in your power, perhaps a minor adjustment, that can move your number to a higher place.

(3) For the compartments you rated 3 and higher, there is joy to be seen and found – right now.

Be tenacious with your unsettledness! After all, it is in your control to change your perspective. Be stubborn. Be really stubborn. Hope wins. Hands down. Hope rules. Let it rule.

Okay, so you did that. Thank you! But, now what?

The important part.

From this place, you will now be able to find the best decisions for yourself. From the realm of contentment, you will walk in wisdom. Wisdom (your wisdom) will help you know what to do. Wisdom is a friend to your happiness. They co-exist. One will strengthen the other.

Your contentment lets the world in on a special secret: you know what to do.

– Karen Thrall

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Inside My Head Libby

Electrifying!

My kid stuck a paperclip in an electrical socket at school today. Awesome. Besides receiving a wee shock, he wasn’t hurt, except for his pride in being called out. I’m not sure that’s a good thing – I feel like if he did it after years of us telling him not to with no repercussions, what’s to keep him from doing it again and in a more sneaky fashion? So he’s not a genius…or is he?

There are a lot of ways to look at the situation, most of which either anger or depress me (I’m dreading the adolescent years). I’ve decided to focus on: experimentation. We learn nothing without experimentation, without trying new things. As adults, we often stop trying new stuff – whether it is because we’re scared or just plain tired. But when we stop experimenting, we stop growing and life gets pretty boring.

I’m not advocating you go sticking metal things into outlets, but now that it’s spring, it’s a great time to try something new and take a chance. I just got a bike for my ten year work anniversary (what?? Sweet…) and an awesome new helmet, so I’m going to give bike riding a try. I am also going to experiment with Dutch oven cooking on our camping trip this weekend. I really have no way of telling, but I don’t anticipate getting shocked. I do hope to feel revived and energized. What might electrify you this season?

– Libby Bingham

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Inside My Head

Spring Cleaning

I’ve never been big on New Year’s resolutions (or maybe that’s just me being lazy and uncommitted), but there’s always been something about spring and fall that seem like much more natural times of reflection. They don’t feel forced or like I’m setting myself up for failure. These seem to be the times of year I’m truly ready for a change or to recommit to priorities that have fallen by the wayside. And it clearly isn’t just me. There’s a restlessness about, and it’s evident all around. In the past two weeks alone, I’ve had friends who have quit their jobs, announced plans for international or cross-country moves, ended or wholly committed to long-term relationships and contemplated major career moves. Thankfully, these major changes are not all the same person – I’m fairly certain that would be a recipe for insanity if I’ve ever heard one.

One could certainly make the argument that it’s not necessarily the time of year, but rather, the time of life all my friends seem to find themselves in. And that could be true, but these friends are scattered across North America, span 20 years of age difference and are at very different life stages. All this makes it hard to ignore the feeling that, as we’re all shaking off the gray of winter, we’re also finding a renewed commitment to living the lives we truly want to lead. That’s not to say that you need to make a major life change to live the life you’d like. Perhaps you’re doing exactly what you want to be doing with exactly the right people and figuring out how to keep that balance is your spring challenge. Personally, I’m recommitting to making time for the people who are most important in my life. Time with them helps keep me grounded, makes me happy and is, well, good for my soul. What does spring cleaning mean for you this year?

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Inside My Head

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?

I was having dinner with a colleague last night and found myself fascinated by the stories he was telling. Not fascinated in the way that you pretend to be when someone is in town visiting and you’re trying to get dinner to go by faster, but really genuinely interested in hearing more about his family and past career adventures. And as I was enjoying his tales, I got to thinking about my own stories and how he was definitely getting the raw end of this deal. I’ve got far less international intrigue, and while I’ve chosen not to have children, they definitely provide some great material. To be fair, he’s got a few years on me, so maybe I just haven’t caught up yet. And I also feel like it’s important to say that nothing he said or did made me feel like my stories weren’t just as interesting (there was no excessive yawning or picking up imaginary phone calls that suddenly came in). He was a great active listener to my tales, which was another part of what made the conversation so great.

I suppose the other part of this is that I’ve also told most of my stories before. Sure, we covered some new ground, and I shared some things with him about my work that were unique to the conversation we were having. But many of my stories are oldies but goodies to me. And all of his stories were new and shiny to me. In that shininess, I so enjoyed hearing his perspective on life and learning more about what makes him who he is. That connection to people is what drives me to do what I do, both in my personal and professional lives. And in the middle of our dinner, I decided anytime I’ve picked a dinner companion whose stories were more interesting than my own, I’ve done something right. So I told him such and will I very much look forward to the next time we’re able to share a drink and a story.

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Gabriel Inside My Head

Hanging on the Fence

Palm trees, the soothing sounds of crashing waves and pink sunsets. Some consider California to be a little slice of heaven. A slice that could soon have its first teeth marks from yours truly. But it’s an interesting situation to “follow” your significant other to another state. Many my age would stay far away from something of this nature, I figure but fortune favors the brave.

Opportunities like this don’t happen often enough to good people. But who wouldn’t be anxious about something like this? Major steps towards this and that, commitments to his and hers fuel the fire of doubt. Yet, the last few months, I have been fairly set on embarking on such a journey. I was recently discussing the Chinese New Year with a friend of mine who read me the prediction or whatever for my year, the monkey.

She read out loud what had been buzzing in my head for a little while at that point. This would be a year of major decisions. Some of which could alter my life’s trajectory. It struck me as strange on one hand, but on the other, it didn’t. It just reaffirmed what I knew. So now the whole hanging on the fence thing comes together (I think). The monkey, hanging, big decisions…you get the picture. I guess what I’m trying to say is: take the leap. Make your mark. Know that anything can lead to something. They say 90% of success is just showing up. Well, this guy is already up and getting dressed.

– Gabriel Oigbokie

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Inside My Head Karen

Life Is Unpredictable

Karen UnpredictableLast week I hung out with a friend of mine. It was catch up time. We hadn’t connected in awhile. I asked if, instead of meeting for dinner or at a coffee shop, we could sip our hot beverage of choice while strolling the Vancouver seawall.

It was nightfall. The West End was beginning to settle in for the night. The air was refreshing. The sound of the water was peaceful. The boulevard was quiet, with a few evening runners and people walking their dogs.

Amidst the city lights, we shared life. The tales were filled with victories, defeats and self-reflection. My eyes sparkled as I listened to his joy and my shoulders slumped when he shared his hardship.

Also last week, I received a text message from a friend letting me know he lost a close friend in a car accident; another experienced unsettledness and is re-thinking their career; another went through a painful break-up; and one heard the news that her mother has cancer.

All in one week.

I find myself intently aware that circumstances knock on our door unannounced. Our lives are interwoven with elation and disappointment. Life is unpredictable.

And when we connect to each other’s lives, two powerful expressions of friendship are manifested: we listen & we are present. We extend compassion or a standing ovation; comfort or celebration; high fives or a shoulder to lean on; tears of joy or tears of grief. Whichever it may be, one thing is clear – we need each other.

– Karen Thrall

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Gabriel Inside My Head

Right Now

The perfectly seasoned sea bass melted in my mouth as my coworkers and I joked about life’s lemonade. I felt my phone vibrate, so looked down to check the message. It read “delete the group message, dude.”

It would have been rude to pursue the issue any further in the current circumstances, so I just did what the message told me, and our dinner continued. After some lovely and interestingly colored ice cream, I left with one of my coworkers. For the entire car ride, I was anxious to hear about the particular incident that caused such an abrupt disbandment of the seemingly dynamic chemistry this group had. Once I was dropped off and able to deal with the issue at hand, I was able to have a conversation with a trusted friend with whom the incident affected the most.

I found out that within the group there had been some misunderstandings between my old friend and another one of the guys. It escalated to the point of delusion and recklessness, and a decision was made to no longer include the divergent and intense thoughts of this individual amongst the group of friends.

Amidst all the commotion, my friend and I spoke in very positive terms about our future plans and how we can continue to progress towards our goals. I had shared the feeling of inadequacy that had been plaguing my mind recently. And he told me something I needed to hear: that I am doing just as well as anybody else. Given the resources at my disposal right now, I’m the best that I can be. Not confusing this with complacency, the recognition of success begins with the definition of success.

The next day my friend sent me a link to a YouTube video of an audio clip. It was a recording of a lecture called “The Strangest Secret” by Earl Nightingale. In the lecture, Nightingale shares why 5 out of 100 people will be successful: they do the work they do because they want to and love to. If you get up in the morning, get ready, and go to do whatever it is you do because you want to, then you are successful. The recording played as my eyes widen. It seemed as if Nightingale was listening in on our conversation the night before. Continued progression should always be the goal, but don’t forget to pat yourself on the back every now and then. Because right now, you’re doing just fine.

– Gabriel Oigbokie