Frustration is an indicator that what is going on in your life or at work is simply not “good enough.” It’s the opportunity to re-think and re-invent how you do what you do, why you do what you do, how you think, how you perceive and how you will move forward.
A phrase I say often in coaching is, “What are you going to do about it?”
Frustration is an indicator that something indeed needs to be done. Whether it’s a conversation, a plan of action, a new goal or a different perspective, something needs to be done.
Frustration = Opportunity.
Frustration = Something more and something better.
Frustration = Change, adjustment
Frustration = A sign that it’s time to reinvent!
Note the word “reinvent.” Not all change is dramatic or drastic. Not all change is cut and dry. And not all change requires you to choose between options. Often, change is as simple as a reinvention of your life.
For example, a New Year’s Resolution is not about dramatic change; it’s usually associated with incremental change; an adjustment to how we live or view our lives.
In the business world, frustration is good news! It is a barometer on how a company moves forward. When frustration hits, stop! Evaluate. Assess. Analyze. Examine. Explore. Get feedback. Research. Find out more information. In other words, do something about it!
Create a think tank or have a group of friends over and begin to address the area of frustration you and/or your organization is experiencing.
We are to move through frustration, not settle for it.
Although there are many methods, I want to touch on three practical and effective ways to invite a peaceful environment into your life before your day begins.
With these three steps, you will start your day peacefully and keep that need to hurry to a minimal.
Be aware of how you wake up. Stay clear of the need to rush-out-of-bed. Why do you need to rush out of bed? Don’t do that. Get out of bed slowly, which confirms a relaxed state. Enjoy the feeling of waking up slowly.
Be aware of how fast you walk. From the moment you wake up to the moment you arrive at work, or getting your kids to school, slow down your pace. Walk slower and let all and any of your movements be at a slower pace.
Be aware of your breathing and the speed of your voice. In your mornings, keep track of when you’re holding your breath while thinking or doing something; and talk slowly and quietly. Imagine speaking in an art gallery or watching a sunset.
Guaranteed, these three simple tips will create a bigger space in your morning for peace.
My Aha Moment: Every human on the planet can write something on that line.
Isn’t that incredible?! Think about that for a moment. The entire human race, from every region of the planet, can identify with fear. It manifests itself differently in all of us. What might create fearfulness in one person may help another experience fearlessness.
Someone is afraid of heights while another is fearless of heights.
Someone is afraid of large social gatherings while another is fearless and the life of the party.
If I’m a child, I may be afraid of the dark or afraid of monsters in the closet. If I’m a teenager, I may be afraid of not having friends or being picked last in classroom games. If I’m an adult, I may be afraid of not having enough money or afraid of getting a serious illness.
Doesn’t matter what the age, what part of the world you live in, or whatever status you perceive to have – you do experience fear. We all do. Whether fleeting or immobilizing, momentarily or hauntingly – fear is real.
I was reading a bunch of quotes on the Internet about fear. Countless quotes on fear! That in and of itself is mind blowing. Could it be the topic of fear is one of the most researched, talked about, counseled and examined? Does fear land in the top 5 psychological analyses? (I don’t know. These are genuine questions.)
These countless quotes were actually pretty inspiring: encouraging us to let go of fear and reminding humans we can overcome fear.
As I reflected on my personal life, I notice my fears morph. What might have caused me fear at one point in my life, no longer causes me fear. Each fear I encounter is usually associated with The Unknown.
My Resolve #1: Fear is universal and woven into the human race. The reassurance: someone identifies with each of us.
My Resolve #2: Fear changes and Experience is its overcomer. The reassurance: we will learn deep truths and get through it.
My Resolve #3: Fear does not isolate us from community. The reassurance: we belong and we are loved.
My Resolve #4: Fear is waiting for us in our tomorrow world. The reassurance: we will conquer yet again.
My Resolve #5: Fear does not make us weak. The reassurance: we are strong and perceptive.
My Resolve #6: Fear commands us to trust that which we do not know. The reassurance: we’re being propelled into new understandings and empathies.
My Resolve #7: Fear is a gift to others. The reassurance: because of our fears, we are able to support someone else in his or hers.
It is a scary moment when you open a door and enter a room where all you see is darkness, and you know you have to maneuver through its corridors without a glimpse of light.
Which is scarier, not seeing or the unknown?
“You must do the things you think you cannot do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
We like the comfort of seeing. We do what we do amidst light.
I see, therefore, I know.
I see, therefore, I can.
I see, therefore, I will.
But what if you can’t see?
I don’t see, therefore, I don’t know.
I don’t see, therefore, I can’t.
I don’t see, therefore, I won’t.
What if you have to proceed even though you can’t see or can only see dimly?
I cannot see, then I will learn.
I cannot see, then I will trust.
I cannot see, yet I will endeavor.
Sometimes we have to make decisions on what we can’t see and on the unknown. When these moments enter our lives, (and believe me they will enter your life) we need to change our posture from illuminated decision making to unknown decision making. No human is void of the unknown. Each individual story will have at least one chapter where they cannot see ahead.
There are no absolutes in the unknown.
Think about entering a dark room and trying to get to the other side. With careful steps and hands extended, we cautiously and nervously proceed. Some will enter the room and will turn right back around; the unknown is too frightening and they will opt out. Those that choose to attempt this challenge can only do it one way: one step at a time and with a tremendous amount of trust. And as each step moves you forward, you learn. Learning comes from what you just did, not what you are about to do.
Learn from your previous steps, trust the forward steps and choose to endeavor.
One thing I have learned over the years is this: character is more important than reputation. I’m not the only one who holds this stance. I think those who know what it’s like to endure hardship relate to me.
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” – Helen Keller
Our reputation is based on what people think of us. Did you know we only have 3-5 seconds to make a first impression? Does it have to do with our character or reputation? It has to do solely with our reputation. How we treat an individual will determine their opinion of us. How we conduct ourselves publicly will influence the onlookers’ view of who we are.
When I went through my divorce in 2010, I immediately began to feel shame for having a failed marriage. Will people think I’m not good with relationships? Will people think I don’t place a high value on commitment? Will people think I quit? Will people think I did something wrong? Have I disqualified myself from continuing to coach people in their business or personal lives? These are big topics, and these questions are fueled by how my reputation may have been affected.
Reputation is viewing someone’s environment with partial knowledge. As humans, we are presented with an immediate story and therefore make a quick assessment. This is normal human behavior, and will remain this way today and in the future to come. This assessment is based on what we see and how we perceive the situation. The majority of humans want to think the best of others. We want to give individuals the benefit of the doubt. We ward off negative opinions and potential judgments, and we try very hard to not perceive wrongly. That takes conscious effort.
When time is on our side, we have the opportunity to establish stronger bonds with people and, in so doing, we learn more about the individual because we have the privilege of walking alongside their journey with them. This is when reputation morphs into character.
Going back to my divorce as an example, I had a small circle of friends where I found my refuge. It was a circle of eight people. I closed out the world and “disappeared” into my family, my eight friends, my therapist Dr. Kirk Austin, and my work. I was overwhelmed with pain and, well, I was a broken person. One of my closest friends, Tanya Cassidy, said: “you’re like a fragile bird.” My mom and dad were huge supporters and I found great comfort in their encouragement and love. My sister would listen to me process through countless hours of sorrow. Dr. Kirk Austin was an incredible gift to me as he helped me unpack, first, my behaviors and dysfunctions; and then he helped rebuild my true identity. These pillars were my oasis, my haven and my voice of hope. My career was my place of escape. I immersed myself in work I love that had nothing to do with my hardship. I wanted to keep giving; it was a place where I knew I could grow and regain my strength and confidence. My colleagues saw my shortcomings, my anxieties and my tears. My management team was the ones I’d celebrate with, build business with, experience success, and where I could listen and support their work.
My children walked through the deepest valleys with me, and I went through profound grief knowing they were victims of the tearing apart of a traditional family unit. This, by far, was the biggest pain I had to overcome. There is nothing that will ever separate my children from my love. And although we had to work through a painful process, we are stronger for it; we are closer for it; and our love is deeper for it. Healing is a beautiful gift. And it enriched our relationship.
When you experience the pangs of a negative reputation, you will get over it. Don’t fear. It is fleeting. People are kind enough to forget. People are kind enough to give you a second chance. Don’t despair. We all have a story in our lives that we’re reluctant to share, in fear that it will affect our reputation. No need to be reluctant. It is the very story that you wish to bury that will be a tremendous gift to others. When we overcome an event in our lives, we instantly become a carrier of hope.
What people see on the surface is fleeting. It is not raw reality; it is the perception of reality. Observing someone momentarily can only produce one result: a reputation.
It’s in the journey we walk with people where we engage with the richness of one’s character. (Allow me to be poetic for a moment, please). In the depth of your soul, in the warmth of your heart, in the contemplations of your mind is where character abides. With each story, we can choose how it will influence who we’re becoming. This life is a continual journey of becoming. Who we are becoming can only grow in powerful ways when we engage our character.
Abraham Lincoln once said, “Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.”
What does Abraham Lincoln mean by ‘character’?
Using three different English dictionaries, character is defined as (1) “the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual.” (Oxford) (2) “the complex of mental and ethical traits marking a person.” (Merriam Webster) (3) “the quality of being determined and able to deal with difficult situations.” (Cambridge)
I have a new phrase I try to say often: this is my story.
This is my story is my commitment to invest in my character no matter what curve ball is thrown my way. When I choose to allow each chapter of my life to be a new opportunity for growth, I am only left with one outcome: a richer character. This conviction creates immeasurable hope inside me. It tells me “all will be well.”
If I want to grow in the area of trust, then today is the perfect day to grow this character trait of trust. If I want to grow in the area of kindness, then today is the perfect day to grow this character trait of kindness. Character is choosing moral, ethical and mental outcomes regardless of the circumstances.
Today will either be an effortless day or a challenging day. Either way, my character has an opportunity to delve deeper. Every day matters.
In reading 30 Lessons For Living by Karl Pillemer, the people highlighted in this book, in my opinion, exude tremendous character and wisdom that comes from experience. They have journeyed life, and as they reflect back, they see how it helped develop their character.
For character to truly be enriched, it requires events where we have the privilege to grow and learn. Regardless of the circumstances, your character is ready and available to be enriched.
Reputation is fleeting. Character is long lasting. Always choose character first and foremost. Good repute will follow.
An acorn falls from the tree. The rains come and it begins to sink into the ground.
Below the surface in the quietness of earth, the roots push and break through its shell. The acorn grows; diving to deeper depths of soil. In this dark place where no sunlight exists, no one can see the purity of its transformation. In the dark, cold earth a seed is morphing, in small, gradual steps.
Seasons come and go; and one day, on a very special day, for the first time, the roots of this acorn surface. It enters sunlight as a fragile stem. Bruisable. Breakable. Vulnerable. In its appearance there is weakness; yet concealed is an unshakeable foundation. A fortified strength.
The investment that takes place in secrecy, births life to what will be a magnificent oak tree.
What once was merely one in a million is now one of a kind.
My good friend of 12 years, Nathan Rooke, is an innovator, businessman, family man, humanitarian, philanthropist, and dreamer. Once a year, we would meet for lunch and catch up on our lives and our news. It was effortless to spend time with him. He’s a soaker of information. He listens with curiosity. He’s kind and encouraging. He’s also a thinker and a strategist and whatever he sets his mind to, he will only pursue it one way: with excellence. We would share both business and personal stories. We would talk about our dreams and aspirations. We would speak openly of our challenges. And with each visit, I would walk away inspired and grateful for his friendship. It’s not quantity that grows friendships; it’s quality. One of my favorite things about Nathan is how wonderfully present and engaging he is.
What happens when we are present? We are confident. We speak with confidence. We walk with confidence. We engage with confidence. When you are present, you carry a presence about you. This presence is what draws people to you.
Everyone has a presence. Yes, everyone. How do you present yourself, right now, today? Choose your presence. And stay true to it. (“How do I do that, KT?”)
Well, you can start your day like this “Today I choose to be present with everyone I come into contact with. Everyone matters today. I will show humans that I am present. They will see it in the way I look into their eyes. They will feel it in the warmth of my kind smile. They will know it through my kind words. They will experience me simply being the best me. All I know is, when I am present, I exude a presence that positively impacts others.”
Please don’t ask me to contextualize this for you. You decide. You choose. What are your favorite yous? Live you – today.
How well do you engage in the moment, with the people standing in front of you? How easily distracted are you from what is presently happening in your current environment?
As a business leader, there are added benefits to being present with your presence. To list a few off the top of my head: camaraderie with your colleagues; happy staff who feel valued; heightened productivity; and teamwork in daily operations. When we are not vying for position, and we are content with our present place, our authority increases. Authority is the permission to ‘be’ who we are in the position we are entrusted with.
When we are engaging, we activate our inner-confidence. With inner-confidence is the contentment that, who we are, right now, is perfectly perfect. With this peaceful assurance, we can humbly walk in authority. What do I mean by authority, since there are many definitions? The one I am referring to is the power to influence others, especially because of one’s commanding presence.
Who would have thought that the simplicity of being present can magnify our confidence; our confidence enlarges our presence; our presence expands our authority; our authority heightens our influence; and our influence increases our impact.
The times I am most inspired by people are in conversations that emerge because we are effortlessly present. In these moments, gold nuggets transpire and my day is doused with inspiration.
To those I have been in contact with either serendipitously, momentarily, seasonally, or lifelong journeyers: thank you for being present with me. You have no idea the type of impact you have when you share your presence with me. Thank you for choosing to be present with your presence. Don’t stop. It created a magic between us that can only be manifested through your inner-confidence. To the ones I have not yet met or not yet come into contact with: I look forward to encountering your presence.
World renown author, Wayne Dyer, writes, “Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.”
So, you’re in leadership. You have weighty responsibilities. People look to you for solutions and successful outcomes. Currently, you’re somewhat concerned. You’re looking at the outgoing and incoming dollars, and you’re not sure about the best plan to execute. What’s next? How do you make sure this next phase is more successful than the previous two years?
Before making any more decisions, receive the truth about your business.
Galileo once said, “All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.”
Stick to what you know is true. Don’t waiver. If your business is going through some challenges, it might be time for you to rediscover the truth about your business.
I remember a story that John Fluevog shared with me. It was in the late 90’s and he was in the throws of big business changes. One day the light went on: “Focus on what I know to be true. I know how to design great shoes.” By focusing on the facts and truth of his business, he then exploded into big success. At that point, he went from a small local business to an internationally known luxury footwear company. What is the truth about your business? Put your energy there.
John Fluevog also shared with me, “I picked the one thing I knew how to do and let all else go, especially the things I could not change. I focused on the one thing that made the business stand out. I did not follow a trend. I opened myself up and had the boldness to do the things that came to me or, another way to put it, I followed my heart. I lost the fear of following trends and trusted my heart. The product I did then, 15 years ago, saved my company. It was way out of step with the current trends but it gave the company a strong identity and it is still selling today. It has to be said that the style was also not accepted by mainstream fashion and remained a cult item. Which was and still is perfect for my company. By letting go of what the rest of the fashion industry did, I saved my company. I let go of fear and followed my inward voice.”
Discovering the truth of your organization will make it easier for you, your team and your customers to understand why they want to sign up! What do I mean by receive the truth? First, by receiving the truth for yourself, you’ll be able to effortlessly give the truth away. For example, I can only exhale breath if I first inhale it. I can only give an apple, if I have one in my hand. I can only sell a great product, if I unwaveringly know I have a great product. I can only share the truth of my extraordinary business, by first confidently believing it is truly extraordinary. Do you know why you’re extraordinary? What do you know to be true? Receive the truth first, and then share it.
By the way, Galileo is esteemed as one of the greatest scientists of all time. Might be a good idea if we pay attention to what he said.
There is nothing idealistic or romantic about failing. It is part of life. It is humbling. It is discouraging. It depletes us (for a moment), yet reminds us (if we so choose) to remain relentless.
How bad is it, really, when we fail? Is it really that awful?
Hurts our pride, sure. Creates embarrassment, yes, okay. Reminds us we’re at least giving it our best shot, absolutely!
Failure is the omission in our performance; the state of inability; a giving way under stress; a lack of success; a falling short. (gee, thanks, Mirriam-Webster, rub it in a little more…)
We can view our shortcomings as opportunists or with defeatism. Listen carefully to what I’m about to write – I need your full attention!
DO NOT QUIT! DO NOT GIVE UP! You’ve come this far. You are so close. To what? To progress, to the outcome you desire, to fulfilling what you believe you are to do. Remain steadfast. Persevere. Hang in there. Surround yourself with cheerleaders.
If you focus on a plant and cultivate it, water it, weed it and nurture it – it will grow. To what extent? We’re never quite certain. But we are certain it will grow. Ask yourself, “Instead of quitting, is there opportunity for just a little more room for growth?” If there is room, even an inkling of forward progress, then do it!
Your character is not in question. This has nothing to do with character. Failure is not associated with our character. Failure is associated with our attempt to try. This is solely about performance (an action), and performance lends itself to immeasurable opportunities.
Look back on your timeline. How far have you come? Has there been progress? Then, I petition you, keep going!
You don’t know yet what that missing piece is. But you will find it. It may take some time, and that’s okay. It might come about through a big “aha” light bulb moment beaming from your brain! It may come through a passing comment you overheard. Maybe you’ll figure it out through reading, writing, learning, analytics or research. You may find that “clue” in the quietness of contemplation, through nature or outdoor activities. You get the gist! There is a missing piece. Pioneer that you are, you will figure it out.
Which club do I want to belong to? The club that has paved the way for us newbie ‘failurites’ to believe it’s possible. Check out what these greats have to say about failure!
*****
Winston Churchill said “Success is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm.”
Michael Jordan said, “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
James Cameron said, “There is room for failure; there is no room for fear.”
Thomas Edison said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
J.K. Rowling said, “Failure is so important. We speak about success all the time. It is the ability to resist failure or use failure that often leads to greater success. I’ve met people who don’t want to try for fear of failing.”
*****
Don’t be afraid to fail. Chances are, there will be moments it happens. And that’s okay. Note: I said “moments” not a “lifetime.” Failure is temporary.
A perfect path has already been trodden upon. A new path requires the forerunner to carve the clearing. C’mon forerunner, carve away!
Here’s a question: Think of an area of personal conduct that, when expressed, you later regret and/or know is not how you really want to be.
For me, it’s assuming I know what’s going on or what people are thinking when there is silence.
This has been a life-long nuisance. I want to not jump to conclusions when I experience “silence” from an individual. But, it’s something I still struggle with. As I look back I can see progress; but it’s slowwwww progress. Yes, I’m better today than I was 10 years ago, but dang, sure wish I would grow in this area in leaps and bounds. Nope. It’s a slow journey. Yes, I’m moving forward, which is the most important part, but nonetheless, slow.
Growth is gradual. Often, we desire and want immediate change. It’s fun to experience instant change in how we view life, how we relate to life, and how we conduct ourselves in life.
Think of a metaphor that exemplifies gradual growth or change. For example, a river creates gradual change. When a river shifts its bed, it begins to manipulate and erode the land to fit the new course.
Other examples of gradual change can be a seed to an oak tree, a baby to an adult, a university student to a CEO – each morphing in its due time. Bodybuilders and athletes understand the discipline of gradual change. Even rocks change with time!
What truly remains the same? What never alters or changes in pattern? Try to come up with one thing that won’t change at some point in time. Chances are, you will not find an example that depicts absolute dormancy. Without being too morbid, even a decaying body will eventually turn back to dust.
What about instant or unpredictable change? Things like a tornado, a car accident, being laid off work, winning the lottery, falling in love.
Gradual change and instant change both carry a different form of impact. We say we want immediate change, but do we really want it?
What are the contrasts of instant and gradual change? One is slow & probable; the other is sudden and startling.
What are some negative experiences we associate with gradual and instant change? With gradual change, it is common to experience impatience because it’s going too slow, insecurity because we are unclear of where ‘this’ is going. It can create doubt.
With instant change, it’s common to be unprepared for its immediate impact. It can have a dramatic affect on how we relate to our environment, and it can also create different levels of distress.
What are some positive experiences we associate with gradual and instant change?
With gradual change, we might experience introspection and contemplation. We might be more evaluative and measure our progress, and we will have a calmer and simplified process with the change.
With instant change, we might have a life-changing experience. It can push us to make a decision and not procrastinate, and it helps create new thinking.
What would be your answers?
So, where am I going with this?
Don’t be so hard on yourself if you don’t see immediate results when you desire change. Take inventory of your life. If you look back ten years, do you see any change? Never underestimate the small victories and accomplishments, even if they seem minute. Celebrate it!
If, in reflecting, you don’t see the change you hoped for, embrace the journey of gradual change. Just like a river, it is a beautiful thing to watch a current transform landscape. You are just like that river. And your landscape welcomes the change. It’s just that sometimes, it takes time. And that’s okay, because time is your friend.
Frustration is an indicator that what is going on in your life or at work is simply not “good enough.” It’s the opportunity to re-think and re-invent how you do what you do, why you do what you do, how you think, how you perceive and how you will move forward.
GOOD FOR THE SOUL 