Tag: Growth

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Awesomeness in the World Libby

Rumer Has It

I recently was gifted a Glamour magazine (July 2015) – not my usual fare, but I found some real value in it: negotiation tactics, pastels are in this summer, and Rumer Willis is kind of awesome. I missed the season of Dancing With the Stars (DWTS) where Rumer won the coveted disco ball, but I wish I hadn’t – her article (Dancing Queen) hit on some things that I’m still trying to learn a whole quarter of a century after she’s gained the insight:

  1. “Comparison is the thief of joy.” This Teddy Roosevelt gem is something that Rumer’s mom, megastar, Demi Moore, told her when she was growing up. It’s a good one – there’s always someone smarter/richer/prettier/funnier/more successful than you are; if you spend all your time lamenting whatever you are not, you’re wasting a lot of time being unhappy. Find your awesome and embrace it!
  2. “Fear is a really debilitating emotion.” Being scared of failing, looking the fool or not being “enough” can keep you from enjoying your life and trying new things. Rumer overcame her fear enough to go on national TV to do something she’d never tried, she of no dance or athletic background (“…or even worked out much…”). Oh, and she won.
  3. Inspiration can be found lots of places. Scout and Tallulah, her little sisters, both inspire her to turn down the negative noise – their bravery has helped her ignore a constant barrage of nasty comments on the Internet. I don’t know Scout and Tallulah, but I have found a little inspiration in Glamour magazine!
  4. Beauty is in accomplishment. Rumer talked about how beautiful she felt after having completed her first competition dance – not because of the pretty costume or having her hair and make-up done, but because of how hard she’d worked and having overcome her fears. This has led to a stronger sense of believing in herself.
  5. Stop being mean. This is something that almost every child has heard, but as adults, we sometimes forget. In the age of Internet anonymity, cruelty has become easier, but it hurts just as much. Think of what we could all accomplish if we stopped being mean and started being supportive. If you can’t think of something nice to say, don’t say anything at all!

– Libby Bingham

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Awesomeness in the World Karen

How Bad Is It, Really, When We Fail?

Karen Fail
Photo by Daniela Cuevas

There is nothing idealistic or romantic about failing. It is part of life. It is humbling. It is discouraging. It depletes us (for a moment), yet reminds us (if we so choose) to remain relentless.

How bad is it, really, when we fail? Is it really that awful?

Hurts our pride, sure. Creates embarrassment, yes, okay. Reminds us we’re at least giving it our best shot, absolutely!

Failure is the omission in our performance; the state of inability; a giving way under stress; a lack of success; a falling short. (gee, thanks, Mirriam-Webster, rub it in a little more…)

We can view our shortcomings as opportunists or with defeatism. Listen carefully to what I’m about to write – I need your full attention!

DO NOT QUIT! DO NOT GIVE UP! You’ve come this far. You are so close. To what? To progress, to the outcome you desire, to fulfilling what you believe you are to do. Remain steadfast. Persevere. Hang in there. Surround yourself with cheerleaders.

If you focus on a plant and cultivate it, water it, weed it and nurture it – it will grow. To what extent? We’re never quite certain. But we are certain it will grow. Ask yourself, “Instead of quitting, is there opportunity for just a little more room for growth?” If there is room, even an inkling of forward progress, then do it!

Your character is not in question. This has nothing to do with character. Failure is not associated with our character. Failure is associated with our attempt to try. This is solely about performance (an action), and performance lends itself to immeasurable opportunities.

Look back on your timeline. How far have you come? Has there been progress? Then, I petition you, keep going!

You don’t know yet what that missing piece is. But you will find it. It may take some time, and that’s okay. It might come about through a big “aha” light bulb moment beaming from your brain! It may come through a passing comment you overheard. Maybe you’ll figure it out through reading, writing, learning, analytics or research. You may find that “clue” in the quietness of contemplation, through nature or outdoor activities. You get the gist! There is a missing piece. Pioneer that you are, you will figure it out.

Which club do I want to belong to? The club that has paved the way for us newbie ‘failurites’ to believe it’s possible. Check out what these greats have to say about failure!

*****

Winston Churchill said “Success is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm.”

Michael Jordan said, “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

James Cameron said, “There is room for failure; there is no room for fear.”

Thomas Edison said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

J.K. Rowling said, “Failure is so important. We speak about success all the time. It is the ability to resist failure or use failure that often leads to greater success. I’ve met people who don’t want to try for fear of failing.” 

*****

Don’t be afraid to fail. Chances are, there will be moments it happens. And that’s okay. Note: I said “moments” not a “lifetime.” Failure is temporary.

A perfect path has already been trodden upon. A new path requires the forerunner to carve the clearing. C’mon forerunner, carve away!

– Karen Thrall

* also published on www.karenthrall.com

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Awesomeness in the World Karen

Instant or Gradual Change?

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
Photo Credit: Jeff Sheldon

Here’s a question: Think of an area of personal conduct that, when expressed, you later regret and/or know is not how you really want to be.

For me, it’s assuming I know what’s going on or what people are thinking when there is silence.

This has been a life-long nuisance. I want to not jump to conclusions when I experience “silence” from an individual. But, it’s something I still struggle with. As I look back I can see progress; but it’s slowwwww progress. Yes, I’m better today than I was 10 years ago, but dang, sure wish I would grow in this area in leaps and bounds. Nope. It’s a slow journey. Yes, I’m moving forward, which is the most important part, but nonetheless, slow.

Growth is gradual. Often, we desire and want immediate change. It’s fun to experience instant change in how we view life, how we relate to life, and how we conduct ourselves in life.

Think of a metaphor that exemplifies gradual growth or change. For example, a river creates gradual change. When a river shifts its bed, it begins to manipulate and erode the land to fit the new course.

Other examples of gradual change can be a seed to an oak tree, a baby to an adult, a university student to a CEO – each morphing in its due time. Bodybuilders and athletes understand the discipline of gradual change. Even rocks change with time!

What truly remains the same? What never alters or changes in pattern? Try to come up with one thing that won’t change at some point in time. Chances are, you will not find an example that depicts absolute dormancy. Without being too morbid, even a decaying body will eventually turn back to dust.

What about instant or unpredictable change? Things like a tornado, a car accident, being laid off work, winning the lottery, falling in love.

Gradual change and instant change both carry a different form of impact. We say we want immediate change, but do we really want it?

What are the contrasts of instant and gradual change? One is slow & probable; the other is sudden and startling.

What are some negative experiences we associate with gradual and instant change? With gradual change, it is common to experience impatience because it’s going too slow, insecurity because we are unclear of where ‘this’ is going. It can create doubt.

With instant change, it’s common to be unprepared for its immediate impact. It can have a dramatic affect on how we relate to our environment, and it can also create different levels of distress.

What are some positive experiences we associate with gradual and instant change?

With gradual change, we might experience introspection and contemplation. We might be more evaluative and measure our progress, and we will have a calmer and simplified process with the change.

With instant change, we might have a life-changing experience. It can push us to make a decision and not procrastinate, and it helps create new thinking.

What would be your answers?

So, where am I going with this?

Don’t be so hard on yourself if you don’t see immediate results when you desire change. Take inventory of your life. If you look back ten years, do you see any change? Never underestimate the small victories and accomplishments, even if they seem minute. Celebrate it!

If, in reflecting, you don’t see the change you hoped for, embrace the journey of gradual change. Just like a river, it is a beautiful thing to watch a current transform landscape. You are just like that river. And your landscape welcomes the change. It’s just that sometimes, it takes time. And that’s okay, because time is your friend.

– Karen Thrall

* also published on www.karenthrall.com

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On the Job

The Power of One Word

Earlier this week, Libby and I taught a course on facilitation for the American Society of Association Executives (ASAE). It was a great group of engaged and thoughtful participants. If you’ve read any of my posts, you know my favorite part of all the sessions I do are the gems from the attendees – the power that comes from a group of people willing to share their thoughts and experience is truly amazing. And this session was no exception. While we were sharing tips and tricks, one of the attendees shared her one word exercise. It’s simple and can be used at any point during a meeting: each attendee shares one word to sum up their thoughts. It can be a feeling about where the project is, an item to suggest for the next agenda, a thought on the how the meeting went…you get the idea.

I love this tool. I used to volunteer for a suicide hotline and in the training of new listeners (that’s what the hotline volunteers were called), we focused heavily on empathy and feelings, and this was one of the tools we used. At the end of each training session (and some of them were pretty intense, as you can imagine), each listener had to share one feeling word to sum up where they were in the process. We heard a lot of nervous, anxious, apprehensive, excited, overwhelmed and so on. It helped us as trainers get a sense of where the trainees were in their journey, and it also helped us all practice using feeling words. Having to select only one word really made us all focus. We all had a lot of reactions, thoughts and feelings during a session, but being forced to narrow it down to one word really made you think. Very often, I was energized by the team in the room and the commitment they’d made to be there. I was hopeful for our community, given the number of people who chose to spend their time this way. And I was grateful to be a part of it all.

Bring reminded of that exercise earlier this week has reinvigorated me and put me into a different head space. What’s the one word I want to describe my day today? This meeting? This interaction? How do I want to feel about where I’m at? How I’ve spent my time? And what can I do to influence the one word people would say about their interaction with me? These are powerful questions and I encourage you to take the one word challenge. What do you want your one word to be?

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Awesomeness in the World Karen

I Need Your Help

We have the right to be nourished. It’s a phrase that is used in one of our seminars. It’s one of five developmental stages that shapes who we become as adults.

I was on a business trip in Boston, visiting the Fluevog team. It was during an autumn month. I flew in and went straight to the store, with my carry-on and computer bag.

Pete, one of the Fluevogologists, was outside sweeping the steps.

P: “Hey Karen! Welcome back!”

K: “Thanks Pete! It’s great to be back.”

P: “Can I help you with your suitcase?”

K: “No that’s ok. I can do it.”

Wait. Pause. Hold on a minute!

Why won’t I let him help me with my suitcase?

I’m in heels, the steps are steep, the suitcase is heavy – why the bleep would I not ask for help? Because I can manage this suitcase myself. I don’t need help. I’m self-made. I’m independent. I’ve come this far on my own, why would I need help now?

Oh my.

Reload, KT. Reload.

K: “Pete, yes I would love your help. Thanks.”

Pete grabs my suitcase and we walk down the steps together.

P: “Look who just showed up!”

And with that announcement, Fluevog’s finest welcome greeted me upon entering. Ahhhh, good to be back in Boston.

In our western culture, where independence and self-made principles are imbedded into our DNA, no wonder we have lost the art of asking for help.

When’s the last time you said, “I need your help”

It’s a constant reminder in my life. It’s easy to resist help. It’s easy to talk myself out of needing help. But I don’t want to be that kind of person. I want to be human. Humans need humans.

I took my bike to Performance Bicycle on Sorrento Valley Road (which was in pieces due to my road trip from Vancouver to San Diego). I own a Brodie Cuda 29er. Sweet front suspension mountain bike.

Karen bikeI walked in and said, “Hi. I need your help.”

Jason replies, “What can we do for you? We’re here to help.”

K: “My bike is in pieces. Can you reassemble it and air the tires so I can get it back in the trails?”

J: “We absolutely can do that for you.”

I could have reassembled it myself but it would have taken me far too long, in comparison to these pros that have all the gadgets and equipment and skill! And besides, they’d do a way better job than I would!

Asking for someone’s help is part of being human. It’s part of being in community. It’s part of belonging. It’s part of excellent camaraderie. It’s part of healthy relationships. From a professional point of view, it’s also good business.

Why have we stopped asking? What presuppositions have we distorted about the phrase, “I need your help.”

I have a request: I’d like you to ask for help once a day for the next fourteen days. Keep track of the responses. Let me know what happens: me[at]karenthrall.com I’d love to hear about it. If you’re the only one giving, it’s up to you to change that. How? You can start with, “I need your help.”

– Karen Thrall

 * also published on www.karenthrall.com

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Awesomeness in the World Libby

Gardening

The weather in the Washington, DC area has been really nice this spring and it has done its job in motivating me to get outside and dig. I find gardening to be relaxing, good exercise (I have a lot of weeds to pull) and a terrific way to connect with others. Although I am alone most of the time I am doing the work, I find that people will stop and want to chat while I’m out there (covered in dirt, sweaty…good thing I’m already married…). My marathon days of reconnecting with my garden are also days of reconnecting with my neighbors and my family. My son and I both love rocks and collecting them. My husband does not really share this interest, so he encouraged us to build a rock garden together – it’s terrific! Every morning on the way to school, we both stop to admire the garden…sure, nothing has grown, but it’s fun to recognize a new rock that we hadn’t seen before and relive the memory of when it was found. My mother and her entire family are avid gardeners, and my mother has two green thumbs and three green fingers. Her gardens are amazing. Every time I go to her house, she sends me home with cuttings or seedlings or plants she just digs up. Every time they bloom after I’ve planted them at my house (when they survive the transition), I am reminded of her and I call and give her a progress report. This is the same kind of connection I feel with my aunt who died from a brain tumor, or my uncle who died in a car accident – they may be gone, but they live on through the beauty of a blooming iris. By planting and cultivating living things, my relationships are rooting and multiplying, and I love admiring that growth as well. What’s growing in your garden?

– Libby Bingham

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Inside My Head

What’s Lurking Around the Corner

I recently had a conversation with a friend who was laid off not too long ago. She’d reached out to me to ask if we could talk, and was very clear about what had just happened to her and how it was a good thing – a very good thing. She was looking forward to spending the summer with her children and taking the time to figure out what she really wanted to do. She’d already had one job offer since she’d been laid off, but had turned it down. She’s determined to take advantage of this time and I’m so impressed by her. It takes a lot of confidence and courage to be that comfortable with ambiguity, especially when it comes to your livelihood.

That conversation has been rattling around in my head for the past few days. When we think about losing our job, it’s usually in some kind of worst case scenario. But I’m so proud of my friend’s outlook and her ability to see the flip side of this coin. Rather than seeing tragedy and fear, she’s embracing the opportunity to focus on what’s most important to her. She’s prioritizing her family in the immediate future and using the time to think through what her long-term future could be. We so often get bogged down by the unknown, and seeing her excitement and optimism is refreshing. Yes, her husband is in a stable job and they’ve planned well. And they’ll save money by not putting the kids in daycare for the summer. They’ve planned and are ready with a list of adjustments to their lives that they can make at various points along this journey. Of course, this all affords her a certain amount of freedom, and I realize not everyone has that. If she was solely responsible for the family income, insurance and the like, it’s a different scenario. Even then, however, knowing my friend, she would have made plans in case something like this happened. She’s a planner and makes sure she’s prepared for whatever needs handling – whatever may be lurking around the corner.

What strikes me in addition to her embracing this situation is the reminder of the resilience we all have in us – the ability to get our shit handled, no matter what comes at us. Yes, we may have to change course and shift direction. Sure, things may not look exactly like we’d imagined, or turn out as we’d planned (does life ever turn out how we’d planned???). We may have to adjust the way we live and approach the world, but at the end of the day, we all have the confidence and courage to find our own path. We may just need to dig a little deeper, but it’s there. And I’m grateful for the people and events that remind me of my own ability to persevere – it’s a valuable life lesson for me that I learn over and over again.

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Inside My Head Karen

The Water Bottle

Karen WaterI went to Cebu, Philippines in my early thirties. I was invited to visit a midwifery program where my friend, Carolina, worked. It was stationed in the most impoverished part of the city. Families (mother, father, children) lived in homes the size of a large dining room table or a guestroom bathroom; made of cardboard and built on pallets.

The water was filthy and the streets had streams trickling through gutters for disposing various polutions. Children were barely clothed and rarely bathed.

The medical shelter had a breakfast and lunch program for children who were severely malnourished.

One day, I placed my water bottle on a shelf while helping with the meal program. Louis, a tiny 5 year old who was deaf and mute, would push and slap as a way of communicating. He began to push and slap me, making loud groans and squeals.

“Louis. Louis. What is it?”

He pointed to my water bottle. He wanted me to give it to him. The children were given beverages, food, snacks and water.

“Oh Louis. No, no. That’s my water bottle. There is your drink.”

He reacted strongly, continuing to make loud shrieks, pointing, jumping and flailing his arms. I tried to calm him down. He was determined to have my water bottle.

I paused. I looked at him. I looked around me.

All these malnourished children. Impoverished. They had nothing. They lived in cardboard homes. They didn’t bathe. They had physical ailments, low immune systems and are fighting for their lives.

AND I WON’T GIVE LOUIS MY WATER BOTTLE?!!

“Louis….”

I grabbed my water bottle. I bent down so our eyes could talk to each other. He can’t hear me. He can’t speak.

“Louis – you can have my water bottle. Yes, please, you can have my water bottle. I’m so sorry, Louis. Forgive me, I was thoughtless. Here you go. It’s yours. I’m very happy to give it to you.”

Louis took my water bottle and ran around the room, showing all the kids. He was so proud that he was the only child with a water bottle.

This memory is a regret of mine. Although it ended on a positive note, I don’t like how small-minded I was. I don’t like me in this story. I don’t like that I said, “no, that’s my water bottle” – to a child who has nothing and I have all the lifestyle comforts at my disposal. I hate that I said “no.” Can’t take it back. Wish I could.

May I always choose generosity over my own personal comforts.

– Karen Thrall

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Inside My Head Libby

Procrastination

I am a terrible procrastinator. I always have been…in fact, my brother made up a character for me called The Procrastinator. My tagline was, “I’ll be back…later…” I procrastinate at losing weight and getting in shape, at doing the gardening and the dishes, calling my friend from college, and definitely at work projects. (I have – in an earlier post on this blog, I am aware – previously touted the idea of being prepared. I will state for the record that procrastination does not necessarily preclude being prepared, but it does make it harder.)

Why do I procrastinate? I’m sure it’s either genetic or some kind of childhood trauma…but that’s irrelevant. I do it. And it makes for a lot of stressful times…but somehow, it also motivates me and lights a fire under my lazy bum. It may even be (partially) responsible for some of my best work! So what I’ve decided to do is Embrace the Procrastination! Instead of fighting the inevitable, I’m learning how to work with it and to use it as a motivator. I haven’t perfected it yet, but I’m getting there. My advice: never stop with whatever self-improvement efforts you have going on, BUT part of those efforts should include cutting your losses. Instead of fighting The Thing that make you feel bad that you continually try to “fix,” figure out how you can mitigate the negative impact of The Thing and use it as your touchstone, your hyper-drive, your magic bean. You, too, can turn that frown upside down…tomorrow, of course.

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Inside My Head Karen

Wrestling and Restless?

Karen RestlessnessOver the last 18 months I could sense the tides turning – shifting. I knew I was about to take a new path. Yet, at the same time, I had no idea I was going to take a new path. What a paradox.

I was both wrestling and restless.

I was wrestling with who I was becoming and what was changing inside me; being stretched and uncomfortable. Significant growth opportunities were knocking at my door on a regular basis. In retrospect, I was learning how to think differently, how to strategize more effectively and communicate more clearly. I was learning how to go deeper, and choose more intently the principle of curiosity and wonder. I was awakened to see more brilliantly the everyday world surrounding me. I guess things felt heightened inside me. But that sounds so flighty. It wasn’t flighty. It was hard. It was causing me to wrestle with who I was becoming. It created a yearning and a longing in me for something. What was it? Why wouldn’t it leave me alone? What was unsettling me? There was no need to be unsettled.

This internal wrestling match created a restlessness.

I was becoming restless with my purpose in life, the location I was living, and my contribution within the business world.

I read a book in November: 30 Lessons For Living by Karl Pillemer, PHD. It provoked me. It stirred me and profoundly impacted me. It was the beginning of the tides turning. I called my friend, “I miss my coaching business. I wish I could focus only on people and leaders. That’s where my heart is. That is my purpose. That is what I long to do.” Her immediate response was, “Yes, yes, yes! Finally! Yes, Karen! Everything in me is shouting yes!”

The restlessness intensified. Unbeknownst to me, my heart knew what was going on but my mind had not caught up yet.

Until March 7, 2015.

I was having a phone conversation with another close friend. He said, “Follow your heart, Karen. It’s always done well for you.” I hung up the phone and knew immediately what that meant. Five days later I went for a long walk on the Vancouver seawall with John Fluevog (my boss, owner, designer, CEO, president, colleague, mentor, comrade… and through these last 7 years, is now also my friend.) and I shared with him what was happening within me. I told him I needed to embark on this journey. I needed to give my notice and move to San Diego. I wanted to pursue my coaching career again. I wanted to try and see if I can do it. I told him that I have a barometer I measure decisions on: When I’m 96 years old, if I don’t do this, will I regret it? Yes, I would look back with regret.

John gets it. He knows what it’s like to chase after a dream. It was actually John who was the first to say to me in 2008, “What do you want, Karen? You have to know what you want. You know what you don’t want. But you have to know what you want. What do you want…”

7 years later, here I am.

The wrestling match has silenced. The restlessness is over. I write this article, sipping my Earl Grey tea, enjoying the blue skies…of San Diego.

I took the leap. I walked off my map. I am here. I am beginning a new chapter.

Thank you, restlessness. Thank you, wrestling match. You are kind to me.

– Karen Thrall