Tag: Personal Development

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Awesomeness in the World

The Power of the Powerball

As the Powerball lottery jackpot climbs to an estimated $1.3 billion dollars and lottery frenzy takes over small talk (would you take the lump sum or amortized payout? What would you buy first? Who would you tell?), I can’t help but think about the collective power we have when we come together.

The basic premise of the lottery is simple – many people pay a small amount, the money pools together, and someone (or someones, as can be the case), gets lucky and wins a pile of cash. And millions of people do this, despite the fact that you have a better chance of getting hit by lightning or getting bit by a shark than willing the big prize, USA Today reports. But it’s that chance – however small it might be – that keeps people coming back and dreaming big.

That’s a whole lot of dreaming and and a whole lot of hope in the face of overwhelming odds, not to mention a whole whackton of cash (I’m pretty sure whackton in the technical definition when we’re talking about a jackpot this large). And that’s what got me thinking – is it possible to harness this power of collective hope towards something else other than our own personal gain? Maybe it’s cynical, but I don’t know that we can. I want to believe it’s possible, but I just don’t know. We complain about the taxes we pay, and if we don’t complain about the amount or the concept, we complain about the things “our” money is spent on. And given the choice, I don’t know how many of us would willingly turn our money over, even for the things we know we use everyday like roads and sidewalks, or the things we hope we don’t have to use, but are glad exist, like police and fire departments.

So if that’s the case, what’s the lesson in all this? We’re all greedy, sad souls who only care about ourselves? Well, I’m not that cynical. I think charities and service-based nonprofits are wonderful examples of people coming together to have an impact (and can restore my faith in humanity). My $50 alone can’t make a dent in helping those living with HIV and AIDS, but when I donate my money to organizations committed to providing food, services and education to those affected by HIV and AIDS, the impact of all our $50 donations can be awesome. And that has a positive impact on my community and I believe a community of healthy and happy people certainly benefits me.

And there are practical lessons for us as we look at our organizations. Sure, research tells us that involving people in the process creates better buy-in and success, and that’s true at every step of the way, from conceptualization to execution to post-evaluation. But the study of human nature that is the Powerball tells us that if people have even the slightest hope that their lives can be made better, they’re willing to part with some of their cash, and I think the same argument can be made for their time. I’m seeing that right now in a group I’m working with. They’re volunteering their time at work, above and beyond their normal day jobs, to improve the quality of life at work. And they’re accomplishing great things that no one person could do, even if it was their full-time job. It’s the power of the collective.

So with that, the idealist in me encourages you to spend that $20 on Powerball tickets and dream the hell out of the possibilities. But then, find another way to pool an additional $20 to help your community and be guaranteed a return on your investment (way better than being bitten by a shark!). And if you’re feeling especially motivated, take a look around you and find a place where harnessing the power of those around you can have an impact. You may not raise $1.3 billion, but the good news is that there’s a whole that can be accomplished on the way there.

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Career

Collaboration: Where to Start

A friend of mine passed along a couple articles from the January-February 2016 Harvard Business Review, and as usual, she was right on with her guess of what I’d find interesting. One of the articles was Collaboration Overload, by Rob Cross, Reb Rebele and Adam Grant. I’m afraid poor ol’ collaboration is one of those really important concepts that’s fallen into the buzzword bucket. In many cases, we’ve been told to collaborate, but we haven’t really been taught how to do it effectively. We end up providing a final product and asking for feedback (which of course we don’t really want) so we can check the box to say we worked with another person or team. Ta-da! Collaboration!

Boo.

What I liked so much about this particular article was the author’s definition and exploration of collaborative resources, which can help us understand the type of collaboration and help we need. They outlined three personal resources we can each contribute to add value when we collaborate:

  • Informational resources are knowledge and skills—expertise that can be recorded and passed on.
  • Social resources involve one’s awareness, access, and position in a network, which can be used to help colleagues better collaborate with one another.
  • Personal resources include one’s own time and energy.

They go on to discuss how informational and social resources aren’t finite – they can be shared without the giver losing those resources. If I share knowledge I have or introduce you to a person I know, I still have that knowledge and I still know that person. But when I give you my time, no one else can have that time (despite how good at multi-tasking I may think I am).

The problem is that we typically default to asking for another’s time when we attempt to collaborate, depleting the most scarce resource by default when we may not have to. The idea of asking myself what type of resources I need from someone seems a great place to start when I think about how I want to collaborate. I may need actual face time for an exploratory conversation. Perhaps I need a piece of historical context. Or I might just need my project presented as a priority to someone else who can help me. But not all of these require me to set a 30 minute meeting in someone’s day.

I’m going to try this lens for a while and see if it helps me clarify what I need from people. My network is my most valuable resource and I never want anyone to feel like I wasted their time, in a meeting or otherwise. How can you make the best use of your resources?

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Awesomeness in the World

Harsh Truths

In the middle of all the New Year Resolution posts going around, someone posted a link to 6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person by David Wong. A few warnings…

  1. If you don’t appreciate harsh language with your harsh truths, this article is definitely not for you.
  2. The article was originally posted at the end of 2012, so while new to me, it may be old news to you.
  3. The website that originally posted the article is aimed at 20-something males, so…
  4. People seem to love or hate this approach to the world. There don’t seem to be many folks in the middle.

Given that I’m devoting a blog post to this, you can probably guess that I’m in the love camp. It’s not because I particularly love harshness for the sake of harshness, but I think his overall message is right on. Wong organizes his argument into these 6 truths, but his second to last truth is the one that really summed up his whole article for me: What you are inside only matters because of what it makes you do. He explains it this way:

Being in the business I’m in, I know dozens of aspiring writers. They think of themselves as writers, they introduce themselves as writers at parties, they know that deep inside, they have the heart of a writer. The only thing they’re missing is that minor final step, where they actually f***ing write things.

But really, does that matter? Is “writing things” all that important when deciding who is and who is not truly a “writer”?

For the love of God, yes.

How many of you are walking around right now saying, “She/he would love me if she/he only knew what an interesting person I am!” Really? How do all of your interesting thoughts and ideas manifest themselves in the world? What do they cause you to do? If your dream girl or guy had a hidden camera that followed you around for a month, would they be impressed with what they saw? Remember, they can’t read your mind — they can only observe. Would they want to be a part of that life?

Wong talks earlier in his article about the world only caring what it can get from you and hippies being wrong [insert audible gasp here from many people]. But I get what he’s saying. It’s not just enough to be a nice person and think kind thoughts – it’s about how your nice comes out and what your kind thoughts drive you to do that’s noticeable to other people. The world wants your unique skills and kindness, and while perhaps unpopular with some, this call to action is just the sort of thing that resonates with me.

I’m personally wired with a bias towards action as opposed to patiently waiting, which is probably why this resonates with me so much (that said,  my bias is sometimes good and sometimes gets me in trouble, and I definitely need the people who are wired to be patient in my life. It’s taken me a long time to learn from these types of people that not responding can be a thoughtful choice, and sometimes the most powerful option, but that’s another issue for another day.). Wong ends his article with a call to action for the new year – learn a new skill and be good enough to impress people with it. But I’d take it a step further.

Don’t set out to do what you think will be impressive to others – set out to do what you want to impress others with. While it’s easy to look for the tangible creations – painting, learning to code, cooking – don’t forget the intangibles that show you’ve a nice person. Send just because cards in the mail, make time for coffee with someone you know is having a hard time, buy a copy of a book you read for a friend who would enjoy it – impress people in your own unique way and let your kindness shine. Let’s do this, 2016!

Categories
Inside My Head

Failure: the other f word

Earlier this month, I was asked to participate in a panel discussion on women in leadership. I was honored to be included and was looking forward to the discussion. In preparation for our time together, the moderators of the panel sent us a few of the questions they wanted us to consider in advance. They were great questions about our own personal experiences, and I was looking forward to hearing from the other panelists. I was having a hard time with one of the questions, though.

“Tell us about a time you failed.”

Gulp. I had no idea how I was going to answer that question. Now, to be very clear before I go on – it’s not that I’ve always been successful or that things have always worked out for me. That’s absolutely not the case. There have been plenty of times things haven’t worked out as I’d hoped or planned, but nothing jumped out as an instance of failure. That’s become such a loaded word, and just isn’t how I think about things.

We’re so quick to judge and label experiences or situations as successes or failures so we can study or dismiss them, but that’s a terribly limiting point of view. It sets us up for either/or, with no room to grow or think differently. When I think back on things in my life that others might label as failure – leaving school in the middle of a semester, quitting a new job after two weeks and going back to my old job or leaving a dream job – I just don’t see those things as failures. I see them as important events and situations that helped me define who I am. Of course they didn’t work out as I’d planned, but they taught me so much about myself and what I value.

And honestly, I’m grateful things in my life haven’t turned out exactly as planned. If I hadn’t altered my idea of what I wanted out of life as I got older and learned more, I wouldn’t have enjoyed many of the adventures I’ve had. And if I was quick to label something a failure when it didn’t go as I’d planned, would I have been able to enjoy the ride as much?

I’m not afraid to try new things or not be the best at something (there are LOTS of things I’m not the best at!) and I suppose some would say that means I’m not afraid of failure. I guess I think that means I’m not afraid to try, give it my best and see what happens from there. And perhaps suspend judgement along the way.

Categories
Career Karen

Enabling in the Workplace

In my last post I shared my personal reflections and experience surrounding the topic of enabling.

Let’s translate this hurdle of enabling into the workplace. What does it look like when someone begins to enable?

I want you to fill in the blanks before you continue reading. Humor me, pretend you’re an enabler. How would you answer these 9 statements?

  1.  If I don’t show support, the person will think I’m _______________.
  2. If I don’t show understanding, the person will think I’m ________________.
  3. If I complain, the person will think I’m ________________.
  4. If I get upset, the person will think I’m ___________________.
  5. If I express my honest thoughts, the person will think I’m ______________.
  6. If I feel hurt, the person will think I’m _________________.
  7. If I say no, the person will think I’m ___________________.
  8. If I don’t agree, the person might _________________.
  9. If I don’t agree, the person could _________________.

Unlike popular thinking, it’s not “yes people” that move up the corporate ladder. They will move up, but only at the mercy of a pecking order.

“If I dot all my I’s and cross all my T’s, they’ll choose me.”

Nope.

“If I show support and agreement to my direct supervisor, they will endorse me in my career within the organization.”

Not necessarily.

Only you can move up the ladder. No one can take you there but yourself.

The primary trait that will move you up in your career is a genuine confidence in who you are and your capabilities. That’s what leaders look for.

Confident people are great listeners and engage with fellow stakeholders. They’re team players and forward thinkers who are considerate and inclusive.

Confident people aren’t afraid of stating their thoughts and expressing their opinions because their ultimate desire is to build a great future with a great team.

When we enable, we are acknowledging that we are not confident.

You now have a second chance to answer the above questions. This time, answer them with confidence, with intelligence, with experience and with expertise.

When we respond from a place of confidence, we interpret events, circumstances, environments, conversations and people from a healthier perspective. (Notice how different the above statements are interpreted in the list below.)

  1. If I say what I think and express my honest thoughts, I’m showing my team commitment because _______________.
  2. If I ask for clarity because I lack understanding, I’m showing my team commitment because _______________.
  3. If I’m dissatisfied with the outcome and express my complaint, I’m showing my team commitment because _______________.
  4. If I’m displeased with the outcome and I’m troubled, I’m showing the team my commitment because ___________________.
  5. If I’m disappointed in the team’s unity and express my discouragement, I’m showing the team my commitment because _________________.
  6. If I say no, I’m showing the team my commitment because ___________________.
  7. If I don’t agree, the person will know that _________________.
  8. If I don’t agree, the person could respond with _________________.

Enabling is responding with fear.

Confidence is responding from your true identity. And in your true identity, there is no need for fear.

It’s one thing to accommodate and remain flexible because you want to be. Being flexible is an attribute of team playing. Being accommodating can have a great impact when it’s offered from a place of fearless confidence.

However, it’s considered enabling if you accommodate and remain flexible because you’re afraid of what people will think or you’re afraid the outcome will have a negative impact on you.

What replaces the brokenness of enablement? The valor of confidence.

– Karen Thrall

* also published on www.karenthrall.com

 

 

Categories
Book Reports

Why Not Me?

Over Thanksgiving break, I had the opportunity to do a lot of reading, and one of the books I read was Mindy Kaling’s Why Not Me? I love smart and funny women and tear through books like Bossypants and Yes, Please, as well as Kaling’s last book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? These women tell wonderful stories and are funny as hell. But the thing that makes me adore them is that they work hard. They don’t expect things to be handed to them, and through their hard work, they develop incredible bonds with the people around them. That sounds pretty great to me – working hard with people you trust and enjoy. They also sneak in really smart observations in the middle of their witty story-telling. It’s like they’re tricking you into learning!

I was tricked into learning about confidence and entitlement in the last chapter of Kaling’s book. She revisits a question she got at a panel and didn’t feel like she addressed well at the time. A teen-aged woman asked Kaling about confidence and where she found hers. In retrospect, Kaling felt she gave a generic answer about her family and her parents believing in her. And while that was true, she expanded on her ideas about confidence and where it comes from.

Kaling is a hard worker and is proud of it. And because that hard work, she talks about feeling entitled. Not the kind of entitled we’ve come to associate with “kids these days who don’t know the value of hard work.” but the kind of entitlement that comes from being a good person and working your ass off. We are all entitled to basic decencies from the second we’re born, and sometimes that’s harder for women, and women of color, which Kaling also addresses. But past the basic decencies,  you have to earn your entitlements. Being entitled is a concept we’ve come to view as wrong, and I think Kaling’s approach is refreshing. Sometimes, it’s okay to feel entitled. And in her words, confidence comes when you “work hard, know your shit, show your shit and then feel entitle.”

And to me, that’s a beautiful concept.

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Ashley On the Job

Memory Bias

Every fall, my husband and I give in and pay the ridiculous monthly fee to get Showtime so we can watch Homeland, and the last two years, The Affair. You guys, I’m obsessed. Season 1 was phenomenal, and while Season 2 hasn’t held my husband’s interest because he claims it’s verging on the edge of a “chick flick” (I know, I know…that phrase is just as rage-inducing for me), the show can still count me as a loyal follower. But, at the onset, my husband and I were both equally sold on the writing, and more importantly, the style of storytelling.

The story is told through each character’s memory biases. What started as memory biases of just two main characters has grown to include two additional key characters in Season 2. I think when we started watching the show last fall, I was enamored by the idea of memory biases. I think of myself as a pretty great storyteller (humble too, uhem) and the idea that someone could have such a vastly different memory from a shared experience is sort of upsetting to me. Especially since, despite using superlative language a little too much, I’m not much of an exaggerator. Intense and dramatic, yes, but divergent from reality, not so much. My husband would tell you I’m a boring storyteller sometimes because of my interest in sticking to reality. But I mean, come on — life is scary enough without intensifying it to the nth degree.

For the first time ever, memory biases in my business relationships have become simply puzzling. In my new project management role, I’m extensively documenting interactions from meetings and phone calls in order to outline roles and responsibilities and next steps. I also use that documentation to provide appropriate recall when decisions and actions come into question. But, I’ve learned that despite agreement and acceptance of actions at a given point, people’s memory bias and further experience create conflicts and power struggles. It’s exhausting.

Solutions have evaded me, and hindered so much progress. I’ve been conceding more than defending and feel as though the loss of credibility in doing so is somehow worse than an argument. I wonder if others have had similar difficulty with variances in memory recall and what you’ve utilized or developed. Can you relate? Has memory bias ever damaged any of your relationships, personal, business, or otherwise?

(More importantly, do you love The Affair as much as I do?!)

– Ashley Respecki

Categories
Inside My Head Karen

Enabling

I’ve been reflecting SO MUCH on the topic of enabling.

What I write in this post is my perception and perspective. I’m not a medical expert and do not have university psychological training. I’m reflecting on the word “enabling” based on my experience and my conduct. I’ve grown in leaps and bounds, but on occasion, it still rears its ugly head.

The hardest part about admitting I’m an enabler is looking at the intentions of my conduct. My perception tells me I’m being loving, thoughtful, accommodating, understanding, forgiving, looking-the-other-way, empowering and supportive.

How can that be wrong? How can I possibly be labeled an enabler?

It’s not these characteristics that define enabling. It’s the conduct and motive behind the behavior. The root of ‘why I do what I do’ is the enabling part.

Sorry to break it to ya, but fear is the root of all enablers. And fear distorts our lens on reality and we end up responding in a way that is unhealthy.

  • If I don’t show support, the person will think I’m selfish.
  • If I don’t show understanding, the person will think I’m controlling.
  • If I complain, the person will think I’m high maintenance and needy.
  • If I get upset, the person will think I’m irrational.
  • If I express my honest thoughts, the person will think I’m picking a fight.
  • If I feel hurt, the person will think I’m projecting my issues.
  • If I say no, the person will think I’m unloving.
  • If I don’t agree, the person will get mad at me.

So I better not act in these ways, whatsoever! After all, I don’t want people to think of me in this light.

An enabler is worried of how they’ll be perceived:

  • Will you think I’m selfish?
  • Will you think I’m controlling?
  • Will you think I’m needy?
  • Will you think I’m irrational?
  • Will you think I’m picking a fight?
  • Will you think I’m projecting my issues on to you?
  • Will you think I’m unloving?
  • Will you think I’m causing problems?
  • Will you think I’m unsupportive?
  • Will you think I’m thoughtless?
  • Will you think I’m unloving?
  • Will you think I’m inflexible?
  • Will you get mad at me?

It was 2009 when I went through counseling, and at that time was told I was an enabler. This diagnosis was a true gift. What enlightenment! Thank you, doctor! I had no idea! It transformed me and launched me on a new path; a path where I learned to find my voice.

How do you stop being an enabler?

  1. Seek professional counseling. The doctor will move you through this healing much faster than you can do it on your own.
  2. The phrase I started to say, and continue to help others say who struggle with this similar vice, is: “This is not okay with me.” By using this simple phrase, it allows opportunity for conversation. You are not projecting. You are not being unloving. You are not being unsupportive. You are merely stating how it makes you feel. In a healthy relationship, the person you are speaking to will want to hear more and the conversation will have a mutual dialogue, a mutual engagement. Start with this simple phrase and grow your confidence.

Mutual empowerment on how we feel and think is healthy. One person catering to another’s wishes, thoughts, actions, wants, needs – but is not reciprocated – is not healthy. If the game is one-way, you may want to explore the dysfunction of enablement.

 

– Karen Thrall

*also published on www.karenthrall.com

 

 

 

 

Categories
Awesomeness in the World Karen

Worthy of Love

A few years ago, I dated this guy who, after 7 months, said to me, “I don’t have feelings of love for you.” I was quite taken back. I had not heard that phrase before.

“You have no feelings of love?”

Like, I love pizza. I love this movie. I love golf. No feelings of love?

It was important to him that I know this ‘truth’.

My truth, in response to him was: “I need to be with someone who loves me. I want to be loved.”

The irony is we continued dating.

I conjured an enabling theory that could keep me in this dating relationship: “He doesn’t know how to love. He’s been so hurt. Be patient, Karen.”

A few months later we parted ways. His intentions were clear and it continued to play out: this relationship was not a loving relationship and would never be one.

Karen Thrall could not ‘fix’ this. I could not ‘change’ this. I could not act better, try harder, do more, serve more, give more.

I struggle with being an enabler. It’s something that rears its ugly head on occasion. I’ve come a long way in progress; but it still shows up every so often. It’s a pattern I created in my life from a very young age. Perhaps it will be a life-long journey. I hope not.

However, I look back and look at my present and celebrate, because I can see how far I’ve come. I can see how much I’ve grown, matured and advanced. I’m a work in progress. As long as I continue to grow and learn, this bane will be a gift to me.

A few days ago, the memory resurfaced. It’s a sentence that stuck and I’ve allowed it to fuel feelings of unworthiness: to believe I was not worthy of love.

Why would I allow my inner-person to embrace these feelings of unworthiness? Why would I allow my self to entertain the notion that I’m not worthy of love? How did this lie creep into my subconscious, into my life?

The story I share is just a story. It happened once. In my entire life, I’ve only heard that phrase once. How could I possibly allow one phrase to have that kind of power?

I was chatting with my sister about it last night. Musing upon this memory and the effect it had on me.

She said, “Starting now, it no longer has an effect. It’s that easy. The bottom line is, you’re worthy of love. Choose it. Make the switch immediately.”

It’s exactly what I needed to hear. Replace the lie with truth.

I am worthy of love.

I chose to share this with you, not for your sake, but for mine. Today I reclaim the truth that I’m worthy of love. And I say to Karen, “Please forgive me for letting feelings of unworthiness cloud your heart, your soul and your hope.”

I am worthy of love. Not for what I do, not because of who I am, or what I say. I am worthy of love because I am worthy of love. There are no stipulations or criteria. There is no merit system. There is no checklist. There are no conditions. There are no hoops for me to jump through. To be worthy of love is the beauty of being human. When you’re born, you are instantly worthy of love. This is what I truly believe. And I stand strongly on this truth. Not wavering, not clouded.

How people treat you with regards to your worth does not define your worthiness.

You are loved. You are worthy of love.

I’d like to share this gift of truth and self-acceptance with you. May it touch your heart as it has touched me this morning.

Today I shed a memory that does not help me shine. I shed a memory that darkens my self-worth. I shed a memory that caused me to question my worthiness. And today, I re-launch the solid, non-negotiable truth that sets me free to truly live: I am worthy of love.

– Karen Thrall

*also published on www.karenthrall.com

 

 

 

 

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Awesomeness in the World Uncategorized

Caring What Others Think

So often, we’re told not to listen to what others say about us – not to worry about what they think, pay no attention to their opinions. And while that’s good advice for some things, I think we miss out on some valuable intel. Set aside, for a moment, the notion of constructive criticism or looking for the gem of good feedback delivered in a mountain of shit. I’m not talking about those things (at the moment, anyway – I think we can get a lot out of feedback, even if it’s not delivered in the best way. But that’s another blog post from another day.).

What I’m talking about is what our friends and trusted advisers see in us. I wouldn’t have gotten into the type of consulting I do now if it hadn’t been for a friend who had a job and thought I could help her out. She described me as being good with teams and getting buy-in and consensus. These aren’t the primary ways I would have described myself, but she was right. I am good at those things, even if they don’t pop into my mind as the things I’m best at (they are now, thanks to her).

We know we’re usually our harshest critic, but why is it so hard to listen to those around us who have seen what we’re capable of? It’s easy to believe the bad things, but so much harder to believe we have talents we may not even know about or think of as strong skills. You value your friends’ judgment, so why not value it when it’s about you and your amazingness?

I was recently approached about a job opening and I believe I know the perfect person for it, so I connected the employer and the candidate. It’s not quite a job the candidate has done before, but there’s no question in my mind that she would knock it out of the park in this position. She was hesitant as we talked about it. As we talked through the skills and experience I thought she could bring to it, I think I was able to convince her, but it took some doing. From the outside, I don’t even see how that’s possible – this job was made for her. But the job title was making her uneasy. The job title was just the title. It didn’t get to the heart of her skills and passion, which were absolutely what the employer wants and needs. I’m happy to report they’re in discussions now, so we’ll see where it goes.

So the moral of the story – don’t listen to the haters, but listen to the people who have your back. They know your talents and abilities and want the best for you. And you have great taste in friends, so listen to them.