As I write this, I sit in the common area of my son’s music school, the School of Rock. There’s a video of various student performances playing, a private lesson or two going on in the rooms behind me, teens plucking away on their guitars while they hang out eating snacks and my son’s “band” doing their best to rock Seven Nation Army – cacophony! But amazing – how many of you are brave enough to get in front of an audience – even a small one – and do something that you’re not 100% sure that you’re terrific at? And you’re only seven, or eleven or fourteen? It’s pretty impressive, isn’t it? I’m inspired to think about how we can all be rockstars at work:
Try. As we get older, we sometimes forget to try something new – it’s too embarrassing to take a crack at a presentation or the creation of a program description without being sure that we’ll succeed. You know what? It’s still okay to try. What’s the worst that can happen? You’ll still have your day job!
Take a back seat. This is a strange one if I’m telling you how to be a rockstar, but letting other people shine is what makes a really good band. By allowing your own talents to support someone else’s makes everyone better – just as Jon Bon Jovi would be nothing without Richie Sambora or Steven Tyler just odd looking without Joe Perry, your CSE or boss is nothing without your kicka** talents and efforts at budgeting, marketing or meeting planning. Own your place in the band.
Rock your solo. When it actually becomes time for you to take your solo, go for it – Angus Young it on the floor, freak out like Flea, channel Neal Pert – and give it your all. Don’t phone it in, really make it count: prepare, practice and crush it.
Practice. Despite various mythologies and seven year old fantasies, no real rockstar ever made it by just picking up a guitar and starting to play – it takes years of practice, hours of repetitive exercises and the like. If you’re new to the game, respect your elders – they’ve been doing scales and chord work for a long time…you can learn something from them. And you who have been at it a while – doing the road tours and setting up your own gigs – don’t forget what it’s like to have a fire in your belly; give them some space to try (see numbers 1 and 2).
Have fun. Some of us have Very Important Jobs. Some have less cachet. But we all have people depending on us to perform some duty and we’ll all do better if we’re having fun while we’re doing it. You know those bands that totally gel? The ones who have been together forever? It’s mostly because they’re having fun. You should too – the band will be stronger for it!
Frustration is an indicator that what is going on in your life or at work is simply not “good enough.” It’s the opportunity to re-think and re-invent how you do what you do, why you do what you do, how you think, how you perceive and how you will move forward.
A phrase I say often in coaching is, “What are you going to do about it?”
Frustration is an indicator that something indeed needs to be done. Whether it’s a conversation, a plan of action, a new goal or a different perspective, something needs to be done.
Frustration = Opportunity.
Frustration = Something more and something better.
Frustration = Change, adjustment
Frustration = A sign that it’s time to reinvent!
Note the word “reinvent.” Not all change is dramatic or drastic. Not all change is cut and dry. And not all change requires you to choose between options. Often, change is as simple as a reinvention of your life.
For example, a New Year’s Resolution is not about dramatic change; it’s usually associated with incremental change; an adjustment to how we live or view our lives.
In the business world, frustration is good news! It is a barometer on how a company moves forward. When frustration hits, stop! Evaluate. Assess. Analyze. Examine. Explore. Get feedback. Research. Find out more information. In other words, do something about it!
Create a think tank or have a group of friends over and begin to address the area of frustration you and/or your organization is experiencing.
We are to move through frustration, not settle for it.
Earlier this week, I arrived home after almost one month away from home.* I’ve lived overseas before and I’m not afraid of a road trip or extended vacation, but this time, coming home was even sweeter than it usually is. I’ve been thinking all day about what the difference is and I’ve come up with this:
Routine. As an adult with a family, routine is the thing that makes it all work (relatively) smoothly – without routine, things are a lot more difficult! I loved the variety of family cultures we experienced on our trip, but I missed mine. At work, routine is the thing that can help keep the train from going off the track – if you have a routine, getting thrown that last minute project won’t generate as much angst.
Familiar responses. While I know all the folks we stayed with, there were still times I was unsure of the best way to approach a subject or answer a question about politics or other delicate topics. It’s nice to be at home where I can speak my mind and not worry about whether or not my husband is going to have an adverse reaction to some statement I make. At work, it’s nice to know who your go-to co-workers are, that you have to give the marketing team chocolate if you want something done faster, that the facilities folks love your jokes or that a burger and beer can move your IT project to the top of the list!
Showering is better at home. Actually, there were some places that had much nicer showers, and some that did not. It wasn’t the actual shower, but it was nice to be able to take it whenever I want without worrying about interfering with someone else’s routine or using up the hot water or not having access to all my lotions and potions. At work, it’s nice to have your own space where you know where everything is and you know how everything works – even with a wonky computer or printer, you know how to make it work like the Fonz, and that makes you a hero.
My stuff. Oh, I brought plenty with me (too much, my husband would say) and I didn’t really miss anything I left home, but when I got back, I was just happy to see my stuff. My son spent several hours getting reacquainted with his stuff, checking out books, baseball equipment, rocks and Pokemon cards. He is delighted to just see his stuff again. At work, your “stuff” are all your projects – papers you have written, documents you’ve created, clients you’ve helped – it’s nice to reminisce a little bit and get reacquainted with your past accomplishments. They’ve helped you get where you are; they may also inspire a fresh perspective or creative idea.
Sleeping is important. I had some VERY comfortable sleeping arrangements on this trip, but I was awoken more than I am at home. My son was often in another room with other kids and in the middle of the night, he’d get freaked out or have a little asthma attack or just miss me, so he’d come to visit. Vacationing and working at the same time is hard to do, but doing it with interrupted sleep was extra tough. There were many nights when I was going to come back to hang out with the adults after bedtime but I usually ended up falling asleep. At work, it is important to get rest – don’t be a martyr! If you’re tired from being the first one in and the last one out, you’re probably not doing your best work. Be kind to yourself – take a break, get some good sleep, live your life. It’ll all be there tomorrow after you’ve gotten some quality shut-eye.
*Thanks to all my family and friends (who are like family) who hosted me and Joey – we loved seeing you and spending time together…it was a terrific experience for both of us. You’re welcome here any time!
I was having lunch with a friend recently and she was telling me about a new coach she was using – for her dating life. I admit, this was the first time I’d heard of a dating coach, but the more I think about it, the more I love the concept. I fully believe in career coaching and personal training, and that doesn’t even get into the other areas of expertise I need in my life. I find value in doctors, attorneys, plumbers, landscapers, movers, designers…why would a dating coach be any different? We can all learn something from someone who has devoted their life to a specialty that’s different than ours.
I had a boss in my past who used to say “do the thing that only you can do,” and it’s a piece of advice that’s stuck with me. While I would like to think I’m well-rounded, I can’t possibly be good at everything. Or even most things. Realistically, I can discover and select a few things and do them exceptionally well and leave the rest to other folks. It relates back to the concept of spending 10,000 hours on something before we can be considered an expert at it. We can’t possibly spend 10,000 on very many things, so it only makes sense to look to the people who have spent 10,000 hours in an area where we need help.
Even if we don’t have 10,000 hours logged yet, we can still be on the lookout for the things that only we can do. At work, there may be a meeting that only I can lead. That means someone else can wrap up the report. Maybe only I can sort through and organize my closet, but maybe someone else can make the donation run afterwards. And perhaps I’m the only one who can be that shoulder to cry on and we’ll let someone else take care of dinner tonight.
A friend of mine recently shared a LinkedIn post with me, “Competition can copy everything but not your culture.” While there are definitely some good reminders about creating and strengthening your culture in here, both of us were intrigued by one specific suggestion:
Keep disrupting your own organisation structure. An interesting exercise which we do is assume all of us got fired one day, and someone with no emotion of the past was re-building our team based on where we are today. It is amazing how many insights come out of this exercise, and while no one actually gets fired, many of the organisation’s priorities evolve in a refreshing way.
What a fascinating idea. If we could detach ourselves from the knowledge of how things came to be, would we make the same decisions? So often we get attached to structure and roles because that’s just how things are. We end up with workarounds or solutions that are almost right because we’re too focused on keeping things the way they are because that’s the way we do things.
While I think we might lose a lot if we regularly fired everyone and started from scratch, the idea itself of staring over can be very freeing. Not only can organizations get stale, but we can get stale. Does there continue to be a need for the service or product we provide in the way we provide it? What needs might we anticipate now that we couldn’t have dreamed up five or ten years ago? Is there a way I could better be utilizing my skills? How has our organization grown since we last evaluated? How have I grown? What could I share that maybe I couldn’t have a few years ago? What if our organizational politics didn’t exist?
Whether it’s your work structure or the way you’ve structured your personal life, what would you do if you were starting from the beginning?
Although there are many methods, I want to touch on three practical and effective ways to invite a peaceful environment into your life before your day begins.
With these three steps, you will start your day peacefully and keep that need to hurry to a minimal.
Be aware of how you wake up. Stay clear of the need to rush-out-of-bed. Why do you need to rush out of bed? Don’t do that. Get out of bed slowly, which confirms a relaxed state. Enjoy the feeling of waking up slowly.
Be aware of how fast you walk. From the moment you wake up to the moment you arrive at work, or getting your kids to school, slow down your pace. Walk slower and let all and any of your movements be at a slower pace.
Be aware of your breathing and the speed of your voice. In your mornings, keep track of when you’re holding your breath while thinking or doing something; and talk slowly and quietly. Imagine speaking in an art gallery or watching a sunset.
Guaranteed, these three simple tips will create a bigger space in your morning for peace.
For the past few days, I’ve been in Detroit attending the ASAE Annual Meeting. The meeting itself is a great gathering of association executives from all over the country and a wonderful chance to see some faces I’ve missed. But this year was different for me in that I spoke at an educational session called Ignite. Ignite sessions are a number of speakers grouped together talking about entirely unrelated topics, but all using the same format. Each speaker gets 5 minutes and 20 PowerPoint slides that advance automatically every 15 seconds. It’s a fascinating format. I’ve attended a number of these sessions over the years and it’s a great opportunity to get a glimpse into people’s lives. The sessions are typically personal in nature and tell some sort of story – lessons learned, inspiration and even some incredibly moving personal stories about love and loss.
I’ve been presenting for a long time and I can say with all certainly that this is the hardest type of presentation to give. Five minutes flies by and the timing of the slides requires a ton of practice. There’s very little room for error, though thankfully, the audience (typically at least 300 people at this meeting) is supportive, encouraging and forgiving. It was a unique experience and I’m honored to have been a part of it. My co-presenters this year talked about a wide variety of topics and some of my favorites included lessons learned after beating cancer, coming from Poland to rural Missouri as a high school exchange student and the power of music. I chose to honor John Fluevog and talk about what I learned while selling shoes at his extraordinary company and I wanted to share a bit with you (be kind…I only had 5 minutes!).
Do what you expect, not what others expect. Making a career move from association management into retail management seemed like a crazy idea to most people. But in talking with the folks at Fluevog, we all agreed it was just a crazy enough idea to work. And while I got a lot of funny looks and reactions from some professional contacts, it never occurred to me to not pursue it.
Be yourself. This is a big one and John himself talks about the importance of authenticity all the time. When you’re comfortable and being yourself, others will be comfortable and be themselves around you. This is the sweet spot where the magic happens.
Build your team. One of the most memorable things John ever said to me was that the DC store was my store and the team there needed to be my team and work with me. This was coming from the founder of this company, and I was pretty sure it was his store. His permission was a huge vote of confidence and changed the way I thought about managing people. John thought enough of me and trusted me to build a team he’d be proud of. And I’m happy to say I think we accomplished that. Some of my favorite people are in my life now because we were on that team together.
Celebrate and have fun. We get caught up in the day to day and we often forget this part. My team genuinely enjoyed each other and were always rooting for one another both at work and outside of work. We celebrated store accomplishments, birthdays, graduations, and important life milestones. Celebrating and enjoying each other is critical for any team’s success.
And while not a quote from John himself, I think this Amy Poehler quote sums up what resonated most with me – do work you are proud of with your talented friends. Thanks for letting me share some of my story here. 🙂
It is a scary moment when you open a door and enter a room where all you see is darkness, and you know you have to maneuver through its corridors without a glimpse of light.
Which is scarier, not seeing or the unknown?
“You must do the things you think you cannot do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
We like the comfort of seeing. We do what we do amidst light.
I see, therefore, I know.
I see, therefore, I can.
I see, therefore, I will.
But what if you can’t see?
I don’t see, therefore, I don’t know.
I don’t see, therefore, I can’t.
I don’t see, therefore, I won’t.
What if you have to proceed even though you can’t see or can only see dimly?
I cannot see, then I will learn.
I cannot see, then I will trust.
I cannot see, yet I will endeavor.
Sometimes we have to make decisions on what we can’t see and on the unknown. When these moments enter our lives, (and believe me they will enter your life) we need to change our posture from illuminated decision making to unknown decision making. No human is void of the unknown. Each individual story will have at least one chapter where they cannot see ahead.
There are no absolutes in the unknown.
Think about entering a dark room and trying to get to the other side. With careful steps and hands extended, we cautiously and nervously proceed. Some will enter the room and will turn right back around; the unknown is too frightening and they will opt out. Those that choose to attempt this challenge can only do it one way: one step at a time and with a tremendous amount of trust. And as each step moves you forward, you learn. Learning comes from what you just did, not what you are about to do.
Learn from your previous steps, trust the forward steps and choose to endeavor.
One thing I have learned over the years is this: character is more important than reputation. I’m not the only one who holds this stance. I think those who know what it’s like to endure hardship relate to me.
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” – Helen Keller
Our reputation is based on what people think of us. Did you know we only have 3-5 seconds to make a first impression? Does it have to do with our character or reputation? It has to do solely with our reputation. How we treat an individual will determine their opinion of us. How we conduct ourselves publicly will influence the onlookers’ view of who we are.
When I went through my divorce in 2010, I immediately began to feel shame for having a failed marriage. Will people think I’m not good with relationships? Will people think I don’t place a high value on commitment? Will people think I quit? Will people think I did something wrong? Have I disqualified myself from continuing to coach people in their business or personal lives? These are big topics, and these questions are fueled by how my reputation may have been affected.
Reputation is viewing someone’s environment with partial knowledge. As humans, we are presented with an immediate story and therefore make a quick assessment. This is normal human behavior, and will remain this way today and in the future to come. This assessment is based on what we see and how we perceive the situation. The majority of humans want to think the best of others. We want to give individuals the benefit of the doubt. We ward off negative opinions and potential judgments, and we try very hard to not perceive wrongly. That takes conscious effort.
When time is on our side, we have the opportunity to establish stronger bonds with people and, in so doing, we learn more about the individual because we have the privilege of walking alongside their journey with them. This is when reputation morphs into character.
Going back to my divorce as an example, I had a small circle of friends where I found my refuge. It was a circle of eight people. I closed out the world and “disappeared” into my family, my eight friends, my therapist Dr. Kirk Austin, and my work. I was overwhelmed with pain and, well, I was a broken person. One of my closest friends, Tanya Cassidy, said: “you’re like a fragile bird.” My mom and dad were huge supporters and I found great comfort in their encouragement and love. My sister would listen to me process through countless hours of sorrow. Dr. Kirk Austin was an incredible gift to me as he helped me unpack, first, my behaviors and dysfunctions; and then he helped rebuild my true identity. These pillars were my oasis, my haven and my voice of hope. My career was my place of escape. I immersed myself in work I love that had nothing to do with my hardship. I wanted to keep giving; it was a place where I knew I could grow and regain my strength and confidence. My colleagues saw my shortcomings, my anxieties and my tears. My management team was the ones I’d celebrate with, build business with, experience success, and where I could listen and support their work.
My children walked through the deepest valleys with me, and I went through profound grief knowing they were victims of the tearing apart of a traditional family unit. This, by far, was the biggest pain I had to overcome. There is nothing that will ever separate my children from my love. And although we had to work through a painful process, we are stronger for it; we are closer for it; and our love is deeper for it. Healing is a beautiful gift. And it enriched our relationship.
When you experience the pangs of a negative reputation, you will get over it. Don’t fear. It is fleeting. People are kind enough to forget. People are kind enough to give you a second chance. Don’t despair. We all have a story in our lives that we’re reluctant to share, in fear that it will affect our reputation. No need to be reluctant. It is the very story that you wish to bury that will be a tremendous gift to others. When we overcome an event in our lives, we instantly become a carrier of hope.
What people see on the surface is fleeting. It is not raw reality; it is the perception of reality. Observing someone momentarily can only produce one result: a reputation.
It’s in the journey we walk with people where we engage with the richness of one’s character. (Allow me to be poetic for a moment, please). In the depth of your soul, in the warmth of your heart, in the contemplations of your mind is where character abides. With each story, we can choose how it will influence who we’re becoming. This life is a continual journey of becoming. Who we are becoming can only grow in powerful ways when we engage our character.
Abraham Lincoln once said, “Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.”
What does Abraham Lincoln mean by ‘character’?
Using three different English dictionaries, character is defined as (1) “the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual.” (Oxford) (2) “the complex of mental and ethical traits marking a person.” (Merriam Webster) (3) “the quality of being determined and able to deal with difficult situations.” (Cambridge)
I have a new phrase I try to say often: this is my story.
This is my story is my commitment to invest in my character no matter what curve ball is thrown my way. When I choose to allow each chapter of my life to be a new opportunity for growth, I am only left with one outcome: a richer character. This conviction creates immeasurable hope inside me. It tells me “all will be well.”
If I want to grow in the area of trust, then today is the perfect day to grow this character trait of trust. If I want to grow in the area of kindness, then today is the perfect day to grow this character trait of kindness. Character is choosing moral, ethical and mental outcomes regardless of the circumstances.
Today will either be an effortless day or a challenging day. Either way, my character has an opportunity to delve deeper. Every day matters.
In reading 30 Lessons For Living by Karl Pillemer, the people highlighted in this book, in my opinion, exude tremendous character and wisdom that comes from experience. They have journeyed life, and as they reflect back, they see how it helped develop their character.
For character to truly be enriched, it requires events where we have the privilege to grow and learn. Regardless of the circumstances, your character is ready and available to be enriched.
Reputation is fleeting. Character is long lasting. Always choose character first and foremost. Good repute will follow.
Last week, I was asked to present an idea about moving a beloved face-to-face (f2f) program to an online format. I was actually quite nervous about it, but my boss assured me that it was a casual situation and I only needed to talk for five minutes. Here’s what I learned:
It is a fantastic opportunity to be able to present my idea to decision makers before spending a lot of time on a written proposal. That isn’t to say I didn’t do a lot of homework beforehand but since it was verbal, I didn’t worry about typos!
Five minutes is not enough time! It is important NOT to rush through your pitch. If people are going to be green or red lighting your project, you need to present them with all the relevant information for them to make that decision. For me – taking an existing program and radically changing it – it was important to give them some history, an idea of my level of involvement and expertise, and an understanding that I’d thought through the majority of angles and considerations. While this took more time upfront, it allowed them to focus on the whole picture rather than the details that can make things sticky moving forward.
No matter how well you know the subject matter, smart people can add value. Even not-so-smart people have their contributions to make! By talking through an idea out loud and with the necessity of answering questions right then and there, you can be assured (or not) of the soundness of what you’re trying to do, and make it even better.
The small stuff does matter…at least in an implementation phase. Being aware of what other stakeholders are concerned about (How will this affect me?) up front, leads to more diplomatic approaches when sharing information. Indeed, they can be presented as opportunities and can get people excited about change, even if it encroaches upon their comfort zone.
Be open-minded. It’s hard to distance yourself from a project that you’ve worked long and hard on, and when people offer criticism or question the value, it can be hurtful – if you let it. But if you approach it from the viewpoint of thinking through all the angles before investing time and money, you are less likely to personalize it and more likely to be successful. Assume people want to help you, not impede you!
I am not a fan of process when it comes to innovation (too many rules!), but having an arrangement where open, honest and constructive questions and feedback can be shared at a very early stage, can lead to much sounder outcomes. If you make the pitch the right way, you may find yourself with a lot more support than you ever thought possible.
Frustration is an indicator that what is going on in your life or at work is simply not “good enough.” It’s the opportunity to re-think and re-invent how you do what you do, why you do what you do, how you think, how you perceive and how you will move forward.
GOOD FOR THE SOUL 