Tag: Personal Development

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Inside My Head Karen

Wrestling and Restless?

Karen RestlessnessOver the last 18 months I could sense the tides turning – shifting. I knew I was about to take a new path. Yet, at the same time, I had no idea I was going to take a new path. What a paradox.

I was both wrestling and restless.

I was wrestling with who I was becoming and what was changing inside me; being stretched and uncomfortable. Significant growth opportunities were knocking at my door on a regular basis. In retrospect, I was learning how to think differently, how to strategize more effectively and communicate more clearly. I was learning how to go deeper, and choose more intently the principle of curiosity and wonder. I was awakened to see more brilliantly the everyday world surrounding me. I guess things felt heightened inside me. But that sounds so flighty. It wasn’t flighty. It was hard. It was causing me to wrestle with who I was becoming. It created a yearning and a longing in me for something. What was it? Why wouldn’t it leave me alone? What was unsettling me? There was no need to be unsettled.

This internal wrestling match created a restlessness.

I was becoming restless with my purpose in life, the location I was living, and my contribution within the business world.

I read a book in November: 30 Lessons For Living by Karl Pillemer, PHD. It provoked me. It stirred me and profoundly impacted me. It was the beginning of the tides turning. I called my friend, “I miss my coaching business. I wish I could focus only on people and leaders. That’s where my heart is. That is my purpose. That is what I long to do.” Her immediate response was, “Yes, yes, yes! Finally! Yes, Karen! Everything in me is shouting yes!”

The restlessness intensified. Unbeknownst to me, my heart knew what was going on but my mind had not caught up yet.

Until March 7, 2015.

I was having a phone conversation with another close friend. He said, “Follow your heart, Karen. It’s always done well for you.” I hung up the phone and knew immediately what that meant. Five days later I went for a long walk on the Vancouver seawall with John Fluevog (my boss, owner, designer, CEO, president, colleague, mentor, comrade… and through these last 7 years, is now also my friend.) and I shared with him what was happening within me. I told him I needed to embark on this journey. I needed to give my notice and move to San Diego. I wanted to pursue my coaching career again. I wanted to try and see if I can do it. I told him that I have a barometer I measure decisions on: When I’m 96 years old, if I don’t do this, will I regret it? Yes, I would look back with regret.

John gets it. He knows what it’s like to chase after a dream. It was actually John who was the first to say to me in 2008, “What do you want, Karen? You have to know what you want. You know what you don’t want. But you have to know what you want. What do you want…”

7 years later, here I am.

The wrestling match has silenced. The restlessness is over. I write this article, sipping my Earl Grey tea, enjoying the blue skies…of San Diego.

I took the leap. I walked off my map. I am here. I am beginning a new chapter.

Thank you, restlessness. Thank you, wrestling match. You are kind to me.

– Karen Thrall

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Inside My Head Karen

Are You Defensive?

Karen DefenseHave you ever been defensive? Oh boy, I have. It’s my least favorite Karen. The aftermath of my reactiveness depletes me and I get very disappointed with myself. My listening skills are non-existent and I forget to remain curious. When I listen well and I ask questions, it’s guaranteed I won’t be defensive in the least. I don’t like me when I react. I don’t like me when my emotions are stirred up because of a conversation that isn’t going the way I had hoped.

Why do we choose to react defensively rather than respond positively? (Especially when we sincerely want to respond positively!)

Being defensive is a form of anxiety. The New Oxford American Dictionary defines anxiety as a “feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about something with an uncertain outcome.”

Let’s look at a few proposed behaviors that are associated with defensiveness.

You know you’re defensive if:

  1. You forcefully argue and debate an opinion.
  2. You need to prove your perspective is right.
  3. You’re dismissing the other person’s views.
  4. You “shush” or raise your finger/hand to enforce the person to stop talking.
  5. You think you have greater knowledge on the matter.
  6. You feel the need to stick up for yourself.
  7. You use heightened energy levels to drive your point.
  8. You’re projecting strong negative emotions.
  9. You justify your stance with “yeah, but”.

If you can identify with any of these responses, you’re experiencing anxiety. Being defensive weakens our self-confidence.

What is the single most important ingredient that will keep you from being defensive? Confidence in who you are. When we engage in conversations with confidence, our guard comes down and we don’t need to prove ourselves. We appreciate stimulating conversations, because we know they will either make us stronger or change us.

Being defensive is another way of saying “I won’t let you hurt me.” How would we respond if we entered every conversation with the mindset of, “You cannot hurt me. You can only contribute to my growth and by disagreeing with me you are helping expand my intellect.”

– Karen Thrall

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Career Libby

Whitespace

I just returned from an all-expenses-paid, not work-related three days in Palm Springs, CA at a resort that involved lots of swimming, drinking and eating. (Go ahead, hate me…it was awesome! And, yes, my friend Ellen is the best, and no, you can’t have her.) Though to be fair, I suppose it wasn’t all play, I did have to attend two hours-worth of general session wisdom. One of which was Juliet Funt (daughter of Alan Funt, founder of TV’s Candid Camera) – she was awesome: smart, funny and poignant.

The theme of her talk was “whitespace” – figuring out ways to turn off the hub and the bub of daily, connected life and find time to reconnect with your own brain. She has data about how this increases productivity and makes us feel saner – it’s kind of a “duh” thing, but it’s also really difficult to do. I found her message really inspiring and am already thinking of ways to reinstall whitespace wherever I can: not checking work emails on the weekend or after ten pm on weekdays (I do have a wacky schedule), turning my phone off while spending QT with my son and husband, spending time just thinking about a work problem instead of jumping in to solving it. These are little ways to regain focus and make the time I am working more effective and efficient. I haven’t really implemented them yet, but am hopeful it may also give me a boost of renewed energy…who doesn’t need that? What do you do to reclaim whitespace in your world? Have you noticed any changes?

– Libby Bingham

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Awesomeness in the World

Delightfully Unexpected

Over the weekend, my husband pointed out an article in the Washington Post, “How Kathmandu’s ‘kung fu nuns’ sprang into action after the quake.” It’s a quick read, and absolutely worth the time. These Buddhist nuns have been studying kung fu for about four years, not with the intent of fighting, but applying their learnings in ways that you wouldn’t expect.

“The nuns began learning kung fu from a Vietnamese teacher in defiance of accepted gender codes in the Buddhist monastic system. But over time, they have harnessed the ancient Chinese martial art for meditation, community work, edgy campaigns against toxic waste, and for women’s empowerment and walkathons against the prevalence of plastic products in everyday life.”

Most recently, they’ve used their physical and mental strength to help those affected by the horrific earthquake in Nepal. It’s easy to feel disconnected to something going on across the world and think there’s nothing we can do to help, but these nuns are a reminder that we can all have an impact in our own, and sometimes unexpected, way. And sometimes it’s a simple as that.

For more on how to help those affected in Nepal, visit the Better Business Bureau’s website for accredited organizations collecting donations.

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Inside My Head

Judgy McJudgerson

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how we judge other people – their actions, their words, their intentions. Lots of us like to say we don’t judge (me included!), but it’s simply not possible – and that’s okay. Our judgment helps us make sense of the world, sift through information and enable us to make decisions. It’s a powerful tool that can keep us out of trouble. But like most powerful tools, it can also get us into the very trouble we were hoping to avoid. When we rely solely on our own judgment and don’t allow for any addition context or points of view, we wander into dangerous territory. But it’s hard to see that danger coming, since we believe our judgment is the right judgment.

Judgment is the lens through which we view the world. Shaped by our experiences, our values, and our desires, it’s continually evolving. But what doesn’t seem to change is that we’re confident that our lens – our judgment – is just right. It’s a finely calibrated machine, superior to all others. We’re confident that we have the right balance of when to let things slide and when to hold people accountable. We know when to fight for something and when to let it go. We see the need for transparency but know what to keep closely guarded. We understand when to keep things moving despite discontent and when it’s worth the delay for some additional conversation. We know which boundaries to push and when the status quo is acceptable. Simply put, our judgment is the best judgment.

But no one else on earth has the exact same lens we have, which can make understanding another’s point of view tricky. No one else has our same experiences, values and desires, so no one else will judge things in the exact same way we do. We may come to the same conclusion, but what gets us there will be different every time. Even if we both sit in the same meeting and hear the same information, we’re processing it through what we’ve heard before and what it means to us, and making assumptions about what it means to those around us. All those things lead us to hear the same words differently and make different judgments about them. And that’s just the way it is.

What we can do is try and remind ourselves that there might be room on the spectrum for others, and sometimes, it may be worth a shift in one direction or the other to try and see things through someone else’s lens. Allowing our own lens to shift as we learn more about other world views is a skill we can all develop more fully. Acknowledging that different lenses exist and our own judgment may not always be the best judgment opens the door to a richer, more diverse and fuller view of the world. Of course, it’s easier in some circumstances that others, but like anything, practice will help. Practicing our openness to the judgment of others will only help strengthen and fine-tune our own. Where are your opportunities to see through a different lens?

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Ashley Inside My Head

Dropping the Ball

Today’s the day where I publicly admit to dropping the ball on things that I’ve committed to and truly care about. It’s often too easy to tell friends and family that you’ll do something for them and not follow through. I’m guilty of that lately. There are people that depend on me, and believe in me, and I’m guilty of letting them down.

Whew. I feel better.

It’s not easy to admit that, despite the efforts of those holding me accountable, I’m feeling lack-luster about my performance. Even though I’m terrible at saying “no,” when I commit to something, it’s usually because my heart is in it – full force. Often I feel like I rationalize failure to follow through internally with thoughts like “they’re not paying my salary so it’s cool, right?” (Please tell me you’ve had similar evil thoughts…)

I think it feels worse when the amazing people around you are keeping their word. “How do they do it?! They must be superhuman.” I’ve decided that I admire the incredible ability my friends and family have to keep their word, and that it’s an example I try to model my own behavior around – hence the disappointment I’m feeling in myself.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “With the new day comes new strengths and new thoughts.” I’m taking the days ahead to refresh and reboot so I can keep the ball rolling. I have some emotional strength to build and some new perspectives to consider. Hopefully the people I care about most will notice!

– Ashley Respecki

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Inside My Head Karen

What Do You Want?

KarenWantThe question I have for you is: What do you want?

I’ve observed that it’s easier for us to list what we don’t want. But can we truly list what we want? Can we speak it forth? Can we proclaim without apology?

Do you think it’s selfish to “want?”

A dear friend of mine once said to me, “Stop being a martyr. It doesn’t look good on you.”

What does that mean?

At that time in my life, I chose to act in a state of apology for who I was, suppressed what I longed for, dismissed what I dreamed of, tempered what I desired, forbade what I wanted, etc. I let my insecurity keep me hidden. After all, to want is selfish, right?

Wrong. Selfish means a lack of consideration for others and being only concerned with your own profit. To want is a desire and a wish.

It’s up to you if you want to step into your wants selfishly or with desire. Both will get results; although the outcomes will be different.

Do you know what happens when you know what you want?

You activate motion. Whether small or great, motion is motion. A caterpillar or a cheetah. Both are moving forward. Don’t underestimate the power of movement.

I want to get from A to Z.

How will you do that?

I will start at A until I reach B; then I will go to C. Thought-filled timeliness. Or I will start at A and will leap to Z. Passionate timeliness.

Both are valuable. Both are moving you forward.

Pause and take inventory of what you want in:

  1. Love
  2. Family
  3. Friendship
  4. Purpose
  5. Career
  6. Finances
  7. Rest
  8. Joy
  9. Hobbies
  10. Quality of Life

Currently, do your desired wants have active motion?

If not, what are you going to do about it? What small or large steps can you take to activate your wants?

Stay in motion.

– Karen Thrall

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Inside My Head Karen

Do I Trust You?

Karen TrustHave you ever not trusted someone? Have you had your trust broken?

Forgiveness and trust are two different journeys.

Forgiveness is necessary for your health and wellbeing. If you don’t forgive, it can jade your heart or fester bitterness. The sooner you can forgive someone, the sooner the burden of life lightens. We need to live in a lightened place. The heavier the burdens we carry, the weightier our world becomes.

I think where people get confused is in the area of trust; not forgiveness. To say I forgive you is admitting we are all flawed and we all err on imperfection. It’s normal to disappoint or hurt someone. It’s normal to get upset with one another. It’s normal to say, “Forgive me” or “I forgive you.” It’s part of life. We are disillusioned if we presuppose we can ride the wave of life without ever hurting someone or being hurt.

What about trust? That’s a different topic.

I can forgive you, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I will trust you.

When John Fluevog offered me a Director position I accepted wholeheartedly – elatedly! I also told him not to trust me. He gave me that “what did you just say?” look. I added, “I want to earn your trust, John.” It took me 18 months to earn John’s trust. (It was one of my most favorite emails to receive, with these words: “I trust you.”)

Earning someone’s trust is important to me. And someone earning my trust is equally important.

I won’t easily say I trust you. I will say I like you. I will offer up all kinds of accolades. But I will not say “I trust you” unless I really mean it. I measure it in my heart.

  • Do I trust this person is for me?
  • Do I trust this person is honest with me?
  • Do I trust this person is capable of ________?
  • Do I trust this person will do what they say?

Once I know how much I trust the individual, I can engage in the relationship accordingly.

I’m not saying it’s full distrust, but it might be a lack of trust in a specific area. If I trust you 25%, that’s important information for me to know beforehand. If I trust you 100%, then I will pour every ounce of my heart and soul into this personal or business relationship.

It is up to the person to earn my trust, if they so choose. And it’s up to me to grant them my trust, at whatever level that may be. Trust is the opportunity to strength a relationship. Without trust, the foundation weakens.

Sometimes interactions, conversations, or incidences hurt us. Ask yourself, “Does my hurt stem from a lack of trust or from the inability to forgive?” I guarantee you, the majority of time it will be a lack of trust.

– Karen Thrall

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Book Reports

Thanks for the Feedback

I’ve been a little behind on my reading, though not on my collecting of books to read (yes, I still read actual paper books – not sure if I’ll ever be able to give them up). The pile seems to be growing bigger and bigger, thanks to recommendations, interesting articles and finding new favorite authors. Based on a great recommendation, I’m currently reading Thanks for the Feedback, by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen. I’m about a third of the way through, so I’m sure there will be more gems to come, but the very premise of the book is one of the more fascinating ideas. Often with feedback, the focus is on the person giving the feedback, but Stone and Heen suggest that we’ve been approaching this wrong – the focus needs to be on the receiver of the feedback. In fact, the subtitle of their book suggests it from the start: “The science and art of receiving feedback well, even when it is off base, unfair, poorly delivered, and, frankly, you’re not in the mood.”

I love this for a couple reasons. Sure, we could all be better at giving feedback. We can improve on our word choice, have better timing and think more about where the other person may be coming from. And we should do those things. Focusing on the receiver of feedback doesn’t let us off the hook for giving feedback in positive and constructive ways. However, what resonates most with me about this approach is the fact that how I receive the feedback is something I have a say in. I can’t control much about how feedback is given to me – it comes when it comes and how it comes. But how I react to it, interpret it and absorb it is entirely up to me. And I do see how I can be better at that. What a powerful perspective. No longer am I totally at the mercy of the person offering me the feedback – I now have a say in how the conversation goes and what I choose to do with the feedback. And I’m getting tools to do it more effectively.

The book goes on to talk about what triggers us into shutting out feedback or not really hearing what’s being said, and I can’t wait to read the rest and learn more about the strategies and suggestions offered. In the meantime, I’ll be on the lookout for feedback and ready to welcome it, hopefully feeling more prepared to sift through it and embrace what resonates with me.

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Career Karen

It Took Six Months to Resolve a Conflict

Karen fightSeveral years ago, I experienced a business conflict. This conflict lasted 6 months. I had made a business decision that created this disruption with a colleague.

We were both willing to engage in dialogue and resolve our differences. We had met over coffee a few times over those six months – per my request. However, the conversations never brought resolve. We had opposing views and differing opinions; and we could not find that common ground.   We still worked well together, but there was strain in our relationship. There was an unspoken undercurrent.

On-going conflict for six months is not any fun. It’s disruptive and has a negative impact on camaraderie and rapport.   I don’t like it (does anyone?).

I was determined to resolve!

We went for coffee…again. I asked him to recount his perspective…again .

He shared his views – which was not how I recollected it. But that didn’t matter anymore. All that mattered to me was his interpretation. I no longer tried to explain myself. I sat and listened; and repeated what I was hearing him say. As I listened, I continued to look for the positive intention in what he was trying to convey to me. It wasn’t about being right or wrong anymore. It wasn’t about defending my stance.   It was about respecting his views and valuing his opinions. And in turn, he listened to mine and reciprocated respect.

We resolved.

Interesting what took place next: He thanked me for my tenacity and my patience with the time it took to resolve our differences.

Something clicked in us that day. That very conflict strengthed us. Our loyalty to one another was sealed. And we stepped into a higher level of trust.

What did I learn? If we are willing to engage in dialogue, conflict will only strengthen us. If we are patient – it will resolve. There is nothing to fear. It is not a personal attack when someone disagrees with you. It is a strengthening of forces. Stay in it.

– Karen Thrall